Hope it's okay to chime in, I was just reading and this is such an interesting question. I'm going to have to think about it for myself over the next few days! As a cis woman (well, really when I think about it for any length of time I feel utterly agender, but I am not bothered by being called she ...

Hi Caitlyn!! Words cannot thank you enough for your incredibly thorough and thoughtful reply!!!! I write super long posts and always love it when other people do too, haha. Thank you so so much for all of your time and energy here. I really appreciate it. That's a really good point that hopefully pe...

I'll add that since getting COVID I've been having a bit of a flare of the urinary symptoms and doing some more research (including reading some articles here!), and realizing I really relate to most of the listed symptoms around interstitial cystitis. I have a super slow crawl of a flow rate, frequ...

Apologies for disappearing for a couple days- turns out I have COVID and that's been a lot to deal with, haha. Siân- it's so good to hear from you!! Thank you so much for your insight and for being willing to share your own experiences. You have a lot of great advice. I've been taking some warm bath...

When I was reflecting on this post, I found a blog post by a neurologist that had some things I really resonated with in it: https://mskneurology.com/chronic-muscle-clencher-woe-to-you/ While it's just a blog post and not a formal medical article and I don't know that I am for-certain on board with ...

Hi Heather and Mo, it's so nice to hear from both of you again!! Heather, I read the article you linked by Caitlyn Tivy when I was writing this post and I really appreciated it. Obviously you cannot speak for her time, energy, and availability, but it would really mean a lot to me if you asked her i...

Hello friends! It's been a while since I've been here. A lot has changed for the better in my life, but I'm back here for advice wondering whether anyone has any accessible/online/free resources for working with a non-relaxing/hypertonic/etc pelvic floor. As is apparently the usual for me, this post...

Hi Sofi! Thanks for jumping in! That is really reassuring to read, thank you. I agree, I do think with time and practice and reflection I could absolutely keep working on making partnered sex a more authentically physically pleasurable thing for me, but that is dependent on having a partner who is w...

Forgot to answer the last part- I do generally feel like he listens and takes feedback into account, but it's still hard as I'm sort of casting around for ideas of things to try and things that might feel good, and we try them a little and it doesn't really change much. I still think it is really fu...

Good question about the non-engagement. I was hoping to experiment more with less traditionally-viewed-as-sex sorts of touch (like massaging my back or something, or the sensate focus stuff) to see what happens and whether that drift off is something directly tied to (or made worse in) genitals/sens...

Thank you Sam, I agree. Boredom would certainly be one word to describe it- it definitely feels like a constant struggle to stay alert and pay attention and I was reflecting on that recently guessing that probably isn't how sex usually is for a lot of people. I know that should be an indicator for m...

Just a tiny timely update. Last night we were going to hang out for an hour or two in the evening. He went to a meeting for some student startup he isn't a part of and it didn't end up happening. I texted him to say that the way things are now isn't sustainable, was honest about the fact that the on...

Thank you, Emily. It felt really good and validating to read that, that feeling like this isn't an okay thing to resign to long-term, that things need to change. As to asking during sex: I have certainly tried a few times, and I know I could do a lot better with doing this more. A few things get in ...

Hello friends! It's been a while. I hope you are all doing well. I was wondering whether you might have some advice for me about a constant hurt I don't want to have anymore. To be brief, through my close relationship with my partner of 1.5 years, I've become increasingly aware of various feelings o...

I entirely agree. I guess I need to get better at trusting myself and what I do and don't want on a certain level (like, this really isn't working for me right now and I so badly want to stop thinking about it every single day) instead of looking for validation about it thank you.

Thanks Sam! That worksheet was a cool read! And yeah, I hadn't really framed these as intrusive thoughts before or questioned them much (especially the layer of "I'm having these thoughts because I am this kind of person"), so I think those realizations are the biggest step here, and from ...

It's weird that I never really framed these thoughts as intrusive thoughts before. I'm realizing it's because I was too ashamed to talk about them or think about them too much, because there's a thick layer of metacognition slathered over the images that goes something like: "You're thinking ab...

Hi Sam!

I haven't! I haven't really taken a ton of time to focus on intrusive thoughts yet, but that could be really helpful. Any suggestions?

Hey Heather! Thanks for circling back. I certainly don't remember anything I'd call sexual trauma. There's a handful of different (unrelated) things that have made me consider therapy over the years, but my parents have always been invalidating and unsupportive about mental health, and therapy isn't...

Here's a quick question. I've never really felt able to fantasize (sexually, but I also haven't daydreamed anything at all since I was little; it just doesn't happen for me, and I can't think of anything that would feel good to think about). What I can do, however, is either intentionally or uninten...

You're absolutely right, thank you! That's a really great and helpful framework and I'll have to give it a lot more thought (and share it with my boyfriend!) <3 (My piano growing up was the most awful Cassio digital keyboard that lacked a couple octaves and would sporadically turn off. I tried a rea...

Hi Heather!! Thanks! That's really helpful. There was a similar sentiment in the last chapter of Ace that I really liked: as asexuality and/or the choice not to have sex not as some gaping hole, or am experience all about being without something, but an opportunity to fill that space with other thin...

Hi Sam! Thank you! You're totally right- things like cuddling are incredibly physically pleasurable. Writing my previous post I'd meant not caring so much about whether I'm experiencing strictly "sexual" physical pleasure, but it's definitely true that I really enjoy comforting and loving ...

(That picture of our sexual relationship for a few weeks is over-simplified: he did try giving orally to me, four times in those three weeks, although two of those ended in a few seconds because I was feeling too uncomfortable and spaced out. I was giving orally around 5-6x a week. I knew it's no go...

Hey Val. That's a really important (and complicated) question, thank you. If I were single right now, would I be desiring sex in any manner? No. I've been trying to cultivate "think about sex and how fun it could be" desire in the context of my relationship, but it's just not something tha...