Siân, Thank you very much! Your response was rather timely in that I was able to find a lot of comfort in your words. In particular, I’ve been thinking about the idea that I’m feeling bad because that’s what anxiety does, rather than feeling bad because I did something bad. That perspective shift is...

Robin, Thank you for your sensible words. The good news is I did make an appointment, though I’ll have to wait until the 20th next month unless there are cancellations. So I’m hoping to do some work on my own in the meantime. Sometimes it feels impossible since it’s a barrage of fearful thoughts wit...

Jacob, Thank you for your thoughtful response. While I certainly don’t wish anxiety on anyone, it is strangely comforting to be able to reveal these thoughts to someone who may have similar struggles. That said, I am interested in your statement of “justification can come after the feeling”. Do you ...

Hello. I posted a few threads a couple of months ago (and received some incredibly supportive/helpful responses), illustrating the shame/guilt I was going through after having intercourse for the first time. This happened in September, and it is something that still bothers me even now (4+ months la...

I'm not sure what to do about the long-term besides maybe going to therapy again. These thoughts seem very stuck and I just can't seem to "unstick" them myself. In the short-term, I really try to relax or distract myself. Or take some time away from family because unfortunately being close...

I'd say you're right; I did not think of that. Sexuality, I feel, was always silently condemned in my family. That silence was searing and sent a very strong message, especially to someone like me who seems to internalize everything. I feel like, if I can be seen as "innocent" in the eyes ...

Again the guilt comes up and colors my perception of...well, everything. Even though it's been exactly 2 months since I decided to do that. I was trying to enjoy being with my family yesterday, and all I could think about was, "if only they knew what I did". I feel disgusting. I'm so scare...

You know, if it helps, Holly, I remember feeling that way when I was younger about having been sexually assaulted: it's a big reason I didn't tell anyone for years. But just like it's bullsh!t to suggest that sexual assault survivors are sullied or spoiled and that literally someone's genitals havi...

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. You raise many great points. That is helpful and kind of opens things up. I think when I'm stuck in shame and fear, my perspective gets constricted and it's hard to see or understand anything outside of my own feelings. I'm going to come back to this when I'm fee...

I guess this is coming up because I am still very much processing the fact that this person and I are classifying as "friends" now. But wow, those shame feelings really hit today. They are always present now (painfully), but some days they are simply worse than others. I feel so deeply tai...

Haha. Thank you. That is encouraging. Just have to keep going I guess.

I think this is so important to keep in mind. Having a positive relationship with myself is something I try to work on every day, personally. I hope lots of others are doing that as well. Sometimes I go overboard, but I like to read articles on self-help for anxiety, positive psychology, neuroplasti...

Wow, reading through these responses is proving strangely cathartic. I'm realizing I'm not the only one who pursued things with unrealistic expectations. I've been beating myself up a bit for it recently - but knowing others feel or have felt similar ways makes me feel less alone. I think my biggest...

Thank you, Heather, that means a lot to me. It's nice to see someone acknowledging it as a positive step forward. I really need to try to dwell on that a bit. I'm tripping myself up sometimes seeing these proceedings negatively. I understand what you mean with having time and space. That seems like ...

Hello, I finally had a long discussion with the person I've been "dating" the past 3 months. It was a strange time for me, being my first sexual experience and only second near-relationship experience. We came to the conclusion we're not on the same page. I decided I can't deal with the fe...

Robin,

Thank you so much! I'll take a look. I appreciate it!

Heather, It never occurred to me to think of it like that, but it's so true. It seems like women have to be sexual but never TOO sexual. And only in certain situations. I'm wondering if you could direct me to any articles or anything about these cultural messages. I'm particularly interested in if y...

Yes, I can understand that. I think my fear is such an automatic reaction, it's going to take some very conscious work on my end to deal with it. You know, after she offered her perspective and I spoke some more, we kind of went into talking about my current relationship with this person I'm seeing....

Hi, I wanted to check in and say I saw the therapist today. It was a good experience. She reframed the fact that I had sex as a learning experience, much like what was said here. I’m really trying to let that sink in. Anxiety and fearful thoughts are still overwhelming me, but I hope that one day I ...

The piece about shame in the "Sex Goddess Blues" really helped me. I re-read a lot of articles here, but often go back to that one. It makes me feel normal, human, and less alone.

Yes, what you wrote addresses what I wish him to know pretty succinctly. I am going to keep this in mind when we do talk about this again. I know I keep saying similar things, but thank you for taking the time to really consider all of this in such a thoughtful way. I imagine it must be wearing to b...

That seems like such a basic consideration but it's something I haven't really actively thought about. I think I and most people have ideas about qualities we'd like in a partner. But when it comes to actually choosing a partner, sometimes those ideas can become a bit blurry. I think when a situatio...

Oh, this is a good topic to think about. I find that before I am comfortable opening up to someone intimately, I like to see how they act around other people. Whether it's friends, family, or complete strangers. I'd like to verify whether they are simply putting on a bravado and being nice to me to ...

Hi Tomatopotato, I've been reading through your thread and I'm glad you came to a resolution. I just wanted to share that very recently - as in a couple months ago - I was in a similar situation. I met someone online, and we ended up meeting in person. This was a totally new thing for me. I was so s...

Hi Heather, Thanks for your reply. Once again your questions are very insightful and I truly appreciate your willingness to help. On a related note, I find the sensitive but non-judgmental quality of all of your writing really refreshing. Very glad to be here. When I read your questions centering on...