Exaggerating Experiences

[catadora_m]

So I’ve been what I consider assaulted 3 times in my life. 2 of them were very “stereotypical,” i.e. someone grabbed my breasts, pushed his penis against me, etc. The third one is a little different though. I was quite young, and playing some game where there were avatars with different skins and whatever. At one point, some other player locked me in a “room” in his house and told me to change my skin to a naked one. I think I made it very clear that I was a minor, but he still kept telling me to strip and “get on the bed.” I couldn’t really get out, because whenever I logged back in I was still locked in the same room in the “house” that he had control over. I think this one affected me more than the other experiences I’ve had, maybe because it was the first or because I was young. The problem is, whenever I talk to my therapist or other people about this, I exaggerate. I essentially just say that a man online tried to get me to take my clothes off even though he knew I was a minor. I’m worried if I say what actually happened, it’ll make the whole situation just seem like a stupid thing that happened and I’ll be overreacting. Regardless, I’m still lying about what happened, and I feel absolutely terrible and don’t know what to do.

[Heather]

I’m so sorry that you feel this way just from trying to give words to your experience so you can heal.

How do you feel about using more general terms to describe what happened overall, like saying that an adult sexually harassed you within a video game? You can then add details if you want, or add that the way they harassed you really traumatized you.

I do hope you can let yourself off the hook here. I don’t see what you’re describing as lying, I see you trying to describe the experience you had and its effect on you as best you can. I also can certainly understand how traumatic this was for you. It sounds very traumatizing. (I’m also a survivor of sexual assault as well as harassment if it helps to know someone like me is saying this.)

[catadora_m]

Thank you for this, it does actually help a lot. I think you’re right that it’s ok to say someone sexually harassed me in a video game. I guess I was thinking of them all as “assaults,” and that’s where I felt uncomfortable because this wasn’t physical and I don’t want to pretend like it is. Honestly I’m really grateful that I’ve only ever been met with support when talking about this, but I think if I change my terminology that might help with some lingering guilt.

[Heather]

You're welcome.

I do want to say that I think one thing happening here is that the experience you had is such a modern one that abuse and assault terminology hasn't caught up to it yet.

By all means, when someone is in a very immersive game, I can absolutely see experiencing what happened to you as very much like an in-person physical assault. I can see how the social and emotional aspects probably feel nearly identical, and that really, the main difference between this and an in-person assault is that there were no actual physical risks and no risks to your life, things we can feel and experience with in-person assault. However, because you also have had in-person assault history, when this happened I am sure that post-trauma was in play, too. Again, we don't have legal or psychological terms for this yet that I know of.

I say all of this to let you know that I also think that however you need to explain it to anyone in order to express your experience of this is absolutely fine. I was suggesting alternatives to help you try and find something that felt better to you, not because I thought the way you explained this was dishonest (I don't). <3