A bit of a rambly brain dump

[APersonIGuess]

Hi

I just want to say in advance that this will probably end up being a bit of a long post, and there probably won't even be an actual question in here or much to respond to at all, but I just felt like writing my thoughts down and if anyone relates to any part of it I'd love to have a discussion so I hope that's OK. I'm kind of exploring my thoughts and seeing how concrete they are by writing them down and seeing if they feel right instead of just floating around in my head lol.

Also I guess this could technically be in the Sexuality category because I'm gonna mention that too but I couldn't decide. And I've just started looking into this kind of stuff so sorry in advance if I offend anyone or use the wrong term, it's not my intent at all.

Oh and can I say that I love that "All of Scarleteen is made by people, not AI. NO AI TRAINING" is in the footer but at the same time hate that it's necessary

Anyways, finally... I guess I can start by saying I'm AMAB and have always found women attractive, but I've never really felt that strong a desire to actually have sex? (which I just found could still fall under asexuality, because I was just under the assumption that if you masturbated or fantasized you aren't asexual, but it turns out it's more-or-less just defined as "you don't want to have sex"). Even still, I would say I definitely am into the idea of having sex at least, it sounds fun and all that, even if it's kind of hard for me to imagine myself in the perfect/right scenario for it to happen? But I would do it and enjoy it if such a scenario presented itself.

One part of me that's maybe a little clearer is the aromantic side of that coin, because I feel pretty strongly - or actually I guess it isn't a strong dislike but more of a strong "don't care" sort of opinion in terms of having a romantic relationship? I kind of find that even in regular friendships they kind of seem like a bonus? on top of my own life? if that makes any sense. Saying that, I think I'm definitely underestimating the impact if I didn't have any friends, and it kind of sounds harsh which I don't mean at all, having friends is great, but if I, for example, don't see one of them for an extended period of time, it's fine... and when we meet up again it basically feels like there was no gap at all (other than like catching up on stuff that happened) and I don't really feel a negative emotion in that time.

Tangent aside since I've now talked about friendships more than romantic relationships, part of the difference I think is that, to me, romantic relationships seem like they're a whole thing, something that's way more complex and maybe at times annoying or a hassle, and so I just don't feel interested in that, the same way one might not be interested in, idk, changing jobs to something that's slightly worse but better pay (if this analogy lines up at all). And maybe I've just learned that from different media, again the idea seems kind of good, but I just realized I'm still imagining something like an even closer friendship, and then when I frame it that way it seems weird to say "well of course we'd also have sex since we'd be attracted to each other". Like what even is attraction? It's more than a friendship, and it's more than just thinking they're hot right?

Sorry if this makes absolutely no sense up to this point, I feel like it's only going to get more confusing as I keep writing unfortunately because I don't really know anything either. I guess it turns out this part isn't that clear either.

Even when women I'm literally friends with and who I think are attractive ask me out on dates, I get a weird feeling where I sort of feel nothing but I think it would be nice to feel something...? Like even the friends feeling almost goes away once it goes to the next level, even though I don't feel any negative / direct imposition towards them asking me that, and I'm excited to go. Maybe it's just nerves of wanting to make a good impression?

I can remember when I was in elementary school one specific moment sitting in class where I thought something like "ok, what girl in this class seems nice, oh her maybe, ok I guess we could get married" and obviously I had no idea what I was talking about, that's just not how that works. But thinking about this now, it's kind of crazy that I can remember having that thought from so long ago, especially given that I've never given these sorts of topics much/any thought before. Even now when I was researching asexuality/aromanticism, I found out that there's a whole bunch of sub-definitions (and I know they can be very helpful for lots of people, defining things and making talking about this stuff easier, so I don't mean anything bad by this) but my reaction was that I was a little overwhelmed by all the different terms, and didn't really know or even really care about which one best fit me. Like it's still just gonna be me, whatever this is. And I guess that's a bit hypocritical now that I'm making a post about it and all that, but yeah.

Woww I've really written so much and it's just half of what I planned to post about, because I haven't even gotten to the topic of gender yet.

I guess I can get into that if it's not way too much to read already. So I started thinking about this when I came across an article on here (that I can't find anymore) about someone who was saying they basically think about having a penis when they masturbate, and I was like woah I do the opposite, imagining having a vulva, and (maybe TMI) masturbating in ways "typically associated with women" (at least to me) like with a vibrator or the shower head (and I just found out about muffing where you can like have something to penetrate? which sounds really cool for some reason but also you can get a hernia if you do it wrong so idk). That article made me think like oh ok, it's a normal thing I guess, whatever, but then I started thinking more about it, and I sort of remembered some more things that are maybe connected like that.

This seems really weird and embarassing so don't ask me why I did this, I have no idea, maybe that's why I remember it somehow, because it was also a very very long time ago, I used to put toilet paper in my underwear and pretend I was on my period. Like bruh what. And when I used to play choose-your-own-adventure games I would always pick a female character. And I know everyone can do this regardless of gender but painting my nails sounds like a cool way to express myself (express what? idk, and I don't typically really feel much of a need to do that, like I just wear whatever clothes don't make me think "yeah that looks horrible") but also because at first glance it might initially come across as feminine? Or also like seeing female role models in the media and just subtly/unconsciously paying more attention than I pay to blog articles about male role models, although now that I think about it maybe there's just less of that in the media? Or maybe that's how little I pay attention to it.

I've also a lot of the time disliked the feeling of "post-nut clarity" because you just have no further interest in your genitals or body at all, like there's a huge crash and it's like OK done, quick gotta put it all away now, get back to what you were doing before. And I don't know how much of that is societal or actually biological, there's obviously a lot of things that go on in your body, but I came across a Reddit thread where women were saying they could notice a huge difference between their "male orgasms" and their "female orgasms" once they started hormones, things like how it feels way more intense through their whole body, how it's so good to feel so feminine in this way, and how they don't get post nut clarity anymore. And I was just like wowed reading that, since maybe it's also because now it aligns with your perception of your own gender, and like that sounds so much better and you don't have to permanently miss out on that experience.

But on the other hand like I look male and I'm totally just, fine, with that, I guess even more than fine, I like how I look in the mirror, but it's also just not really a big part of my identity at all either, it's just how you happen to exist. So I don't have any negative feelings about any of it, and I also don't think I have an interest in having typical feminine body features either, it's such a huge change and would be scary, and like I said it's not a big part of my identity. Although the male chest muscles have always reminded me of breasts... It's kind of hard to explain what I feel which is maybe why I never really give it much thought except for now, just because it confuses the heck out of me? Or maybe I actually just don't really care that much and am over-amplifying a few small things. I think if if I didn't care about it it would be fine like I haven't thought about it until now. Like I said before I mean whatever it's still gonna just be me whether I spend any time thinking about it or not.

But wow this turned out to be extremely long, and I thought the sexuality part would maybe have more relevance or add context to the gender part but I guess it isn't really connected. But this is some stuff that's been for some reason on my mind recently. If anyone reads all the way through, thanks <3 This was a whole essay fr and almost kept it in the drafts but we ball.

[Becky]

Hi there, APersonIGuess! Welcome to the boards!

I cannot lie, I'm a little out of it today and I am having a bit of trouble following your train of thought here. But I am excited to help anyway I can!

Can you maybe break down what sort of support you are looking for from us in the form of some more direct questions?

It sounds like maybe you are expressing interest in playing with your gender expression? I think you mentioned a curiosity about painting your nails and identifying with female characters and role models. Would you like some resources on that?

It also sounds like maybe you aren't sure how to label your sexuality and are trying to figure that out.

Do I have those things correct?

Let me know how I can help!

-- Becky

[darkingbog]

hey person, i like what we're talking about here. mind if i respond? i'll split my answers into two categories, one about sexuality and one about gender

SEXUALITY:
i feel really similar. although i have spent some time with a partner that some people may consider sex, i find myself towing the line interpreting my own feelings and wondering if i fall on the asexuality spectrum. you're not alone. i think sometimes things just don't really line up to where we want to be having sex, like you described. i'm in a position right now where i'm really interested in sex and kind of wish i could explore that part of me with someone in person, yet my criteria is pretty specific and i wouldn't really wanna have casual sex with just anyone.

YES, about the difference between romance and friendship! i feel you! it feels so blurry to me, like a romantic relationship is just an elevated friendship yet you're "supposed to" also feel this elevated thing? i hear what you're saying.

"I was a little overwhelmed by all the different terms, and didn't really know or even really care about which one best fit me. Like it's still just gonna be me, whatever this is."

this... this right here is something that i (would like to) think a lot of young people forget about as an option, or find themselves feeling it and then being confused. i like how you said "it's still gonna be me, whatever this is," it sounds like you know that a label won't turn you into anything new, y'know? it might help describe what you're feeling, but you also don't need to be anything other than what you are, know what i mean?

i also just wanted to share that i have a very similar memory from elementary school that i'm hoping i'm remembering right. after hearing people talk about crushes and realizing "oh, i should have one too," i chose the least-worst boy in my class to "have a crush on," even though he was a kid that kind of annoyed me? why did i do that haha.

it's really cool to learn about all the different ways people experience masturbation and fantasy. (i similarly had a "woah that's really cool" moment with muffing when i learned about it in a zine about fucking trans women. be safe if you ever try it! maybe do some research on how to avoid hernias?)

GENDER:
on nail polish: painting your nails can be a cool way to "express yourself." i feel you saying that you're not exactly sure that means, or what you're expressing. that's okay, i feel like that too. short painted nails make me feel more like myself, so that's why i do mine sometimes, especially when i'm feeling down or disconnected. i say try it! on the other hand, long nails aren't for me, they make it hard to do things i like to do and i'd be too worried about breaking them. one affirming thing for one person might feel incongruent to another person, so there's no way to know unless you try. plus, it can be fun to try something new. expressing yourself "more femininely" doesn't necessarily need to mean anything about how you view your gender: that's up to you.

when i starting reading the part where you talked about the "post-nut" feeling being frustrating and uncomfortable, i realized i feel the same way, the crash is overwhelming and it's kind of an embarrassing feeling when the arousal isn't prolonged anymore, is that what you're talking about?

sometimes, it's frustrating to hear how other people talk about orgasm because i subconsciously expect or pressure myself to feel what they're feeling. it's one thing if you feel satisfied or fulfilled masturbating but i'm learning that sometimes it's just something we do and don't feel much afterwards.

when things are hard to explain, we explain them less, therefore think about explaining them less, so our thoughts don't always make that much sense to ourselves or others. it's cool u could get some of this out.

fellow tangent-writer to another, i see you, yr heard! <3 i'm glad you're here and that you had a chance to explore some of your feelings regarding your gender and sexuality.

-darkingbog

[APersonIGuess]

Hi Becky and darkingbog, thanks so much for your responses! I'll reply separately but feel free to refer to any parts of my post.

Can you maybe break down what sort of support you are looking for from us in the form of some more direct questions?

I think I can hopefully do that and try and make it clearer, my train of thought was all over the place writing it, so that's definitely on me and not you. I'm sort of finding it hard to express even simple things but I can't really grasp the reason why, except that it feels like writers block (ironic after I just wrote a whole essay) in that I'm just sitting here staring at the page. I don't know why its so difficult now lol.

It sounds like maybe you are expressing interest in playing with your gender expression? I think you mentioned a curiosity about painting your nails and identifying with female characters and role models. Would you like some resources on that?

It also sounds like maybe you aren't sure how to label your sexuality and are trying to figure that out.

Yeah, that's pretty much the gist. I'm really not typically the type of person to express myself through clothing/appearance etc, (although I've technically been implicitly expressing myself as traditionally male just by default I guess) and maybe it's because it feels scary to make a change in real life, but it feels like the easy way out is just to ignore it and do nothing and it still feels like it would be fine to do that. But clearly I'm considering doing something, I don't even know to what degree I want to express that or anything, just that I've noticed and reflected on some things in my life that make me now go "waitttt a minute, is there something more to that". And I think about those and it's like wait there's kind of been a lot of those types of things, there was a few more too that I forgot. But if I keep thinking that way why haven't I realized that until now or done anything about it ever? But it's just all these subtle things, even thinking now I don't feel like doing anything huge / drastic.

I did find the article again that I mentioned initially made me think about this as sort of the AMAB equivalent, and I realized I missed a lot of helpful stuff on gender in the second half when I first read it - I like "there’s a whole lot of space between “woman” and “man.”" so I'll definitely read the linked article there.

But I've gone all my life so far not thinking any deeper or really at all about these types of things. Like I don't know if it's just a sexual fantasy type thing or if I actually want to express myself that way? Or if I do and I'm actually not attracted to women, I just like imagining them because I want that type of experience for myself, so maybe they're connected? Although I feel like I agree with the 'mostly cis' perspective like whoever wrote in for that article - I guess being a guy is good, I don't really have strong positive or negative feelings about it other than "it's the default", so am I just overthinking it? Do cis people typically have a neutral experience or a positive experience when thinking about their gender? Do you have to identify strongly with your gender? Is that what gender non-conforming means or what's the difference between that and nonbinary? But also why do we care what your sex at birth has to do with idk anything - like you can just do whatever you want if you feel comfortable doing it. I also don't think I fully get the difference between gender identity and gender expression, are they not sort of linked?

Sorry now I've gone completely the other way with a whole bunch of questions.

But yeah, basically that's it. And like what does that mean if I identify with female characters? Because I'm just saying oh yeah being a guy it's fine, good even I guess, but clearly at least subconsciously I don't really connect with it? So sure, thanks, any additional resources you have on that would be helpful!

I hope this comes across as more understandable, thanks a lot for wanting to help

---

i like what we're talking about here. mind if i respond? i'll split my answers into two categories, one about sexuality and one about gender

Of course! Thanks for replying Getting to reply helps me think more about it than just thinking in my head.

i'm in a position right now where i'm really interested in sex and kind of wish i could explore that part of me with someone in person, yet my criteria is pretty specific and i wouldn't really wanna have casual sex with just anyone.

YES, about the difference between romance and friendship! i feel you! it feels so blurry to me, like a romantic relationship is just an elevated friendship yet you're "supposed to" also feel this elevated thing? i hear what you're saying.

That's interesting to hear your perspective, it makes me think that maybe I'm less interested in it than I think? I really wouldn't go looking for it, I don't know why though. I also realized I don't even know what my supposed criteria is, so maybe that's just an excuse since I feel like I'm supposed to be interested in it? Still, part of me says obviously it would be good, maybe I think I'd have to have an emotional connection, and maybe you just know when you feel it? But yeah I agree I just have some abstract feeling that clearly they're different but I couldn't describe what that actually is.

i also just wanted to share that i have a very similar memory from elementary school that i'm hoping i'm remembering right. after hearing people talk about crushes and realizing "oh, i should have one too," i chose the least-worst boy in my class to "have a crush on," even though he was a kid that kind of annoyed me? why did i do that haha.

Wow, so it's not just me with the should and like choosing it lol, when it's just a feeling you get (that I'm not sure if I've ever really experienced).

short painted nails make me feel more like myself, so that's why i do mine sometimes, especially when i'm feeling down or disconnected. i say try it!

Thanks, yeah I guess the only way for me to know how I feel about it is to try it I guess I'll see if it's just something that I think just looks cool for myself or if I actually like how it feels feminine... But I would expect to like buy a shirt that looks cool instead of wearing whatever first before painting my nails haha.

Yeah, like how its 100 to 0 so fast, and to me how mentally it feels sort of bad or at least doesn't feel fully aligned with how physically it feels good. And same, I think I'm always comparing it to how other people describe it, so when I see trans women saying HRT made them feel 100x better and they don't get that feeling anymore now that their body aligns with their gender identity, it makes me think like is that also the case for me? But then why don't I have stronger feelings about disliking my current body/gender and maybe I'm just comparing too hard or it's a feeling everyone gets, but it's hard not to compare

Can you say more on the last part of it being "just something we do and don't feel much afterwards"? Do you mean like mentally, sort of feeling disconnected to myself? Because if so I agree, it's kind of just like ok task completed now I don't care about it anymore.

[Sofi]

Hi there! Jumping in as a queer cis person to answer some of your questions:

"Although I feel like I agree with the 'mostly cis' perspective like whoever wrote in for that article - I guess being a guy is good, I don't really have strong positive or negative feelings about it other than "it's the default", so am I just overthinking it?"
One could say you're overthinking it, which doesn't have to be necessarily a bad thing. It's good to think deeply about our gender, but sometimes there's a line where we're thinking a bit too much into it, and it's better to just experiment/explore, let things play out and go with what feels best, if that makes sense.

"Do cis people typically have a neutral experience or a positive experience when thinking about their gender?"
I've had both. I use she/they pronouns but not because I have any negative experiences with she or being a woman, it's just not something I'm particularly attached to and I don't really care much about pronouns for myself. That said, I also sometimes have days where I enjoy expressing my femininity more, but I also don't think that's attached to gender (men can explore and enjoy femininity and women can do the same with masculinity). So overall, I'd say my experience is mostly neutral.

"Do you have to identify strongly with your gender?"
Nope. There's really no "have to"s when it comes to gender, honestly.

"Is that what gender non-conforming means or what's the difference between that and nonbinary?"
Many folks are both nonbinary and gender non-conforming, but it doesn't quite mean the exact same thing. Gender noncomforming is usually moreso applied to the way people express their gender outside of the typical norms, whereas nonbinary is when someone doesn't identify with either man or woman as a gender. You can be gender noncomforming but a cis or trans man/woman, for example. There are other terms you could also explore like genderqueer or gender expansive.

"But also why do we care what your sex at birth has to do with idk anything - like you can just do whatever you want if you feel comfortable doing it. I also don't think I fully get the difference between gender identity and gender expression, are they not sort of linked?"
Some people care, some don't - ultimately, like you said, it doesn't really matter. Gender identity and gender expression can be linked, for example someone can be a woman as their gender and express that through things they feel match that gender, where it be clothing, makeup, etc. That's because gender identity is someone's internal sense of self when it comes to gender, and gender expression is more of an external presentation (which doesn't mean it has to be "public", just more of a physical thing). Does that make sense?

Here's two other articles from our site I think will be helpful in understanding all this:
Genderpalooza! A Sex & Gender Primer

Gender Identity: My Step by Step

[darkingbog]

hi again! glad to chime in.

gah, so many thoughts about all of these things! it might take me a couple days to process and respond more thoughtfully but in the meantime i'll try to expand on what you asked about.

i notice that orgasm is really hyped up, glamorized, and painted as this awesome ultimate thing that everyone will enjoy when the reality is it doesn't always go like that, right? i know that orgasm is really powerful for a lot of people, with a fantastic build-up and fantastic release and even fantastic feelings afterwards, but that isn't everyone's experience. i feel you on the "ok, that's done, moving on," kind of thing, for me there's also a little dissociation and groggy feeling afterwards. does that sound like you? sometimes our experiences just differ, but sometimes porn and other media also just show a very narrow perspective of orgasm. i know some people talk about "female orgasm" and "male orgasm," to describe orgasms that occur with different parts or hormones, but what i'm realizing is that these diverse experiences of orgasm occur no matter what you've got. there's always variation, and there's no universal way that people experience it, i think. does that explain it better?

[darkingbog]

when it's just a feeling you get (that I'm not sure if I've ever really experienced)

you're also not alone about wondering if you've ever experienced "the thing" that people feel when they have a crush on someone, i've even had a partner who i've loved and developed quite lovely feelings for and i am still not sure about this feeling.

buy a shirt that looks cool instead of wearing whatever first before painting my nails

i think buying a shirt you like that you might not have bought before sounds like a great thing to try!

mentally it feels sort of bad or at least doesn't feel fully aligned with how physically it feels good

i feel you about the mental-and-physical disconnect, i've never been able to describe it like that. based on what i've read here before, i wonder if it might have something to do with the brain's level of arousal before or during masturbation. we know that the brain is actually the most important organ that's used during sex, not our genitals, because it's responsible for sending signals and all that. so that's a possible factor.

when I see trans women saying HRT made them feel 100x better and they don't get that feeling anymore now that their body aligns with their gender identity, it makes me think like is that also the case for me?

i think it's common to wish that something was more pleasurable than it is, so i understand that it's hard not to compare and wonder if you might experience pleasure differently on HRT, even if you don't actually want to go on HRT.