I’m a cis female who fantasizes about dominating boys during sex, is this normal?

[Soph22]

I’m a cis female and I always fantasize about dominating boys during sex. However, I notice that most girls fantasize about being dominated, and so I feel like there’s something wrong with me. I used to have the desire to be penetrated and dominated, and I still do just out of curiosity but not as much as I fantasize about dominating someone else specifically a boy. I also noticed how this escalated as I became more and more insecure, and started searching for more and more male validation. Ever since becoming more insecure and relying more on male validation, I’ve stopped even thinking about my own pleasure, pleasuring myself, or someone else pleasuring me. Is this normal? Is my insecurities and desire for male validation part of the reason?

[Amanda B]

Hi Soph22,

I'd like to start by saying there's nothing wrong with the sexual feelings you're having. "Normal" is an interesting concept when it comes to sexuality. I think it's more important to focus on what you want and are excited about rather than what is considered "normal". That said, it sounds like you're experiencing some insecurities that have been causing you to seek male validation. Can you say more about your interest in dominating boys during sex? How do you think this is related to your pause on thinking about your own pleasure?

I'd also recommend checking out Building Sexual Confidence, Busting Per ... fectionism. This article is very helpful in working through insecurities. I particularly like this quote:

Most importantly, we are the ones in charge of our sexuality at the end of the day. You get the final say, since know yourself best of all. Feeling good about the person you know yourself to be is your right; the way you define that is your decision and yours alone. While getting a grasp on this will not be an overnight process, you can begin the work it will take to get there. Building confidence feels like an uphill battle at times to say the least, especially when we're talking about something as personal as sex and sexuality. Once you make yourself aware of some possible steps to get there, however, you have a pretty good place to start.

I hope this help!

[Soph22]

Thanks for replying iamamandab, I’m new to this website so this is my first post. I just feel like back when I believed I was worthy of romantic loves and believed I was at least average looking, I never wanted male validation. I like myself and was happy. Then I noticed, once my self image and concept of my own self worth started deteriorating, I started depending more and more on external validation specifically from guys. I think this in turn has caused me to adhere to what guys want, I’ve spent so much trying to understand what they want, and it’s made me want to change parts of myself. I feel like this includes me completely denying what I want and what pleasures me, and instead wanting to focus on pleasuring boys instead. I think I also just subconsciously want to see a guy obsess over me and submit to me, because I’ve never gotten that attention from my male peers that I see my friends get.

[Sam W]

Hi Soph22,

So, since you have another post specifically about these feelings of insecurity, I'm going to focus my answer here on some of the other parts of this. The first one is that I'm hearing you express a lot of "boys like X" or "girls like Y." While it's true that it's often presented that different genders prefer different sexual things, those presentations just don't reflect the reality of the situation. Human sexuality is so diverse and varied, and there are so many things besides gender that go into shaping a person's sexual preferences. That's why trying to conform to some idea of "what guys like" will always be a frustrating, ultimately pointless endeavor; because guys aren't a monolith, and what appeals to one may mean nothing to another.

Too, I do think it's important to be aware of your age in all of this. While it's totally common and okay to be curious about--or fantasize about--different sexual things at 13, for a lot of people their first sexual experiences are still a ways away. So sometimes it can help to put those worries about whether a sexual partner will like certain things aside, because you're trying to predict the behavior of someone who, in plenty of cases, you haven't even met yet. Does that make sense?

[Soph22]

Yes, and I understand what you’re saying. I keep telling myself I’m young and don’t need to worry about this stuff, but I’ve already been exposed to it and now these thoughts have come through. I have so much in my life to focus on and that makes me happy, and this is just bringing me so much anxiety and worry that I feel like I shouldn’t even be experiencing at this age. I just don’t know how to stop worrying about this

[Sam W]

It can be so frustrating when we want to set a worry aside and it just keeps coming back! Do you notice this is a pattern with things you worry about? Or is it only this worry about sex and dominance that's proving hard to get rid of?