Vaginal penetration

[Osumilite]

(I don’t know if this is more suited for bodies or sex and sexuality so please forgive me if I’m in the wrong place lol)

I’m very interested in the idea of vaginal sex (receiving) but I’m quite fearful that I may not physically enjoy it. I’ve not properly explored myself down there since I’m not mentally in the place to do so, but I know that some people feel nothing down there.. so in the situation that Its not physically pleasurable for me and I feel nothing from my G-spot or other parts inside my vagina, is there anything I could do to still fulfill my desire of vaginal sex or is it something I just have to accept cant happen? Arguably my biggest desire is vaginal penetration so I’d feel pretty destroyed if that’s something I couldn’t find any way to enjoy.

[Sam W]

Hi Osumilite,

This is a totally fine place to put this!

So, my first suggestion around this is to not get too far ahead of yourself. While it's true that people's genitals have varying levels of sensitivity, and that vaginal sex alone isn't, for lots of people, the source of intense pleasure it's made out to be, it's a big jump from there to assuming you will never be able to have pleasurable vaginal sex.

Too, it sounds like you haven't been in a place where masturbation feels comfortable for you, which means that you have pretty limited information on how your body responds to different kinds of sexual stimulation, and it's a pretty big leap from there to "oh no what if I can never experience pleasure from vaginal sex" you know?

It's also worth thinking about the fact that a big part of how we experience pleasure has to do with our brains and emotions. So if vaginal sex is something you're really excited to try with a partner, or something that you find arousing to think about, that in and of itself could make it more pleasurable. That being said, it's worth reflecting on why you'd feel destroyed if you couldn't find some way to enjoy vaginal intercourse; is that because it just sounds so good to you and you'd hate to be disappointed? That it feels like it's unique in how close it brings you to your partner? Something else entirely?

[Osumilite]

Thanks for your input! What you're saying makes a lot of sense.

I'd feel destroyed because to me it feels like an experience that feels extremely close and sensual in a way that other forms of sex just don't offer. I'm aware that people make it out to be a lot more then it generally is, so it's not that I feel like I'm missing out on insane pleasure. To me it's just the most intimate form of sex, so I'd feel really hurt if I gained no physical pleasure from it.

[Latha]

Hi there, Osumilite

It is totally okay to be very interested in a certain kind of sex, to really look forward to it. Vaginal sex seems like it will be a very intimate, sensual experience for you, so that is a great reason to try it. Many people like it for those reasons.

But you are more than your ability to enjoy vaginal sex, so if you can't enjoy it (and that is a big if), it shouldn't destroy you. You can still find other ways to experience that intimacy that you associate with this specific act.

I want to quote something that Heather said in this new advice column (I do recommend reading the rest of it!):

"When our bodies just won't do or keep doing certain things, it's often because they just can't do or keep doing those things, or can't without risking injury...

That doesn't mean that you can't still explore and experience pleasure when that happens, though. It just means you need to listen to your body and try to answer it by meeting its needs, rather than trying to push it to do things it's resisting that you might want without making any changes or accommodations. If the sexual ideas or pre-written scripts we have for our bodies don't work with how our bodies actually are, we can't usually change our bodies to suit them (and I'd posit that we usually shouldn't try to, either). What we can change are those ideas, those scripts, or our approaches. We can choose to think about and do things differently that both accommodate our bodies and the pleasure we're seeking."

Vaginal sex has a great reputation as a way to close to a partner, but it isn't the only way to achieve that. You can edit your scripts a little to include new ways of feeling intimate- ones that won't just be second-best to vaginal sex.

Anyway, it may be useful to reconsider what we're looking for when we talk about pleasure in this context. As you know, vaginal sex doesn't cause the same kind of pleasure that stimulating the clitoris does. It can still provide pleasure in other ways though: it can cause a nice sense of fullness, pleasing a partner can feel good in its own right, and certain positions are more likely to stimulate the external or internal parts of the clitoris. Does this make sense?

[Osumilite]

Mhm, that makes sense. Thank you for your help, and I read through the link you sent - it was also very informative.
I’ll keep these things in mind!