I am scared of having sex with my girlfriend but I really want to!

[unr3alun3arth]

Okay so, I am a cis girl and I recently got with my now girlfriend, who is also a cis girl. We've known each other for a few months and have made it official. And, well, naturally, as happens with any relationship, we want to have sex. The thing is, I am terrified! Don't get me wrong, I want to and I know I'm ready mentally/emotionally. But, I have only had sex with men. I have never done anything sexual with women, and my girlfriend has many times. So I'm scared of not being good. I mean, I probably won't be as things take practice, but still. She knows this and she tells me that there's no pressure at all, but I want to. Things have gotten heated repeatedly and when she tries to do anything below the belt, I stop her, out of fear. What do I do? I know everybody says to communicate, but what if that's not enough to make it a memorable experience? I also feel so lost because I am a person who *needs* to be told how to do things exactly, and as you might guess there's not much information about that. Help!

[Latha]

Hi there, Unr3alun3arth!

Oof, these types of anxieties can be such strange creatures. You know that you're ready, you have a partner that you care about, it doesn't seem like she is putting pressure on you, and you know that you can get better with practice. Yet, you're worried. You value your relationship and you want to make sure your girlfriend has a good experience with you. Honestly, all of that is understandable.

I'm sure you know this, but it isn't justified of you to expect yourself to know what your girlfriend would enjoy before you've had a chance to learn about it. For all her experience, your girlfriend has to deal with a learning curve too- she has to understand what you like, since no two people are the same.

You're right that everyone says to communicate- that's because it really is the most reliable and widely applicable advice that can be offered. If it would help, I think you could ask your girlfriend to give you directions, make suggestions, or indicate when you've done something that she likes. You could also spend some time talking about the kinds of stimulation you enjoy before you start doing anything physical.

Something else you could try is mutual masturbation- seeing what gives her pleasure might give you a better sense of how you might proceed. Or, since she has more experience having sex with women, you could ask her to take the lead to start. That might take the pressure off and give you time to become more comfortable.

You know, in any relationship, I think it is important for both people to have a good sense of humor- the ability to laugh together if things don't go as expected. So what if you fumble somehow? That doesn't necessarily mean that you've given your girlfriend a negative experience. You could look back on this fondly.

Here are two pieces of ours on this subject:
What Makes Someone Good in Bed?
Your Right to Be Lousy in Bed (After All, No One Has to Have Sex with You)

[Sam W]

Hi unr3alun3arth,

In addition to all the good points Latha made, I want to add that something that can help you feel less nervous is to remember that there's no one "correct" way to have sex with another woman, nor is there another way that's the most common or most expected (the same can be said of any gender, really). That's part of why the advice to communicate is so common, and so important; our partners needs, wants, and boundaries vary based on a bunch of different factors, and their gender can tell us little, if anything, about what those will be.