Struggling with guilt after reading dubious/violent erotica

[koh123]

Hi, I’m new here, 19 years old and I’m really having difficulty with some stuff that happened a couple years ago.
I was going through a very difficult period of time and for whatever reason became more interested in explicit (illustrated/written) material, possibly to distract myself. I accidentally stumbled upon a very scary, violent gangr*pe themed work and felt extremely uncomfortable/upset with the content but simultaneously attracted to it. I ended up consuming (and yes, occasionally mastubating) more written/drawn fiction with themes of nonconsent and feeling extremely guilty about it. I ended up nearly suicidal because I feared that it made me a terrible person, and because in real life I’m incredibly opposed to any kind of violation of consent. I mostly stopped reading anything like that a while ago because I felt so uncomfortable, but the negative feelings didn’t go away.

I’ve read studies and articles on sexual fantasy, and while I now understand this is relatively common to find attractive in some way, I can’t help but feel disgusted by myself and worried that something might be wrong with me. I worry that other people might think that as well, I’ve seen people who say anyone who’s interested in this stuff is disgusting. I feel so terrible that I did this in the first place, and every time I’m reminded of how horrible this stuff is irl I feel guilty, especially towards real victims. I worry that if I stop feeling guilty it’ll prove somehow that I really am terrible. Sometimes I even fear that I’ve doomed myself to being miserable forever.

I’ve had issues around interest in stuff like this for a long time, and a lot of sexual shame. I don’t know how to work past this and sometimes feel like I don’t even deserve to. is there anything I can do to feel less horrible about this? I feel scared all the time and don't know what to do.

[Sam W]

Hi koh123,

I'm sorry that engaging with these fantasies or sexual media has left you feeling this way, and that you're struggling to feel okay, or at least neutral, about the fact you consumed it.

I think that a helpful question to start with is: when you read those things talking about how plenty of people have fantasies about or enjoy sexual media of things they find abhorrent in real life, was there something specific that made you feel like you were the exception to that? Or like your desire or enjoyment was uniquely bad?

Another thing that might help when thinking about all this is to remember that you haven't actually done anything to hurt another person. To the degree that we can make any judgments about ourselves being "good" or "bad" people, we do that based on our actions, not on our fantasies. I hear you talking in a way that suggests you think this is something you might need to atone for in some way, but in reality it really isn't. Do you kind of see what I'm saying there?

[koh123]

Thank you for the reply.
I often feel like I need to be in some way “more” moral than others- I don’t fully know why, although my family has a history of OCD and mental illness in general that may be part of it. I tend to feel extra guilty for things even if I wouldn’t care if another person did them- it’s very hard for me to treat myself the same way I would another person. I also worry that perhaps for example I read things that were “worse” than others, or thought about it differently- not necessarily with a real basis, it’s just a fear I have I suppose.

I do see what you’re saying. In some ways, I think I treat thoughts and feelings, or even simply reading something, the same as taking a concrete action. It’s another thing that is definitely hard for me to separate.
thanks again for replying, it’s really encouraging to hear from others on this :)

[Sam W]

I'm glad my reply was helpful!

If you know you have a family history of OCD and you suspect you may be showing some signs of it, have you been able to check in with a mental healthcare provider, either to get a diagnosis or just to have some support around those feelings of guilt and worry?

[koh123]

I have told my healthcare providers about my family history/my own symptoms, although I haven’t pursued an official diagnosis yet. I might try to in the future, but for now I’m not worrying about it. Eventually I’d like to get a diagnosis and see a trained therapist, but for now I’m just focusing on learning some self help strategies.

[KierC]

Hi there Koh123,

I’m glad to hear that you’ve checked in with your healthcare providers about your family history and current symptoms — they would be a good place to start if and when you do want to seek mental healthcare. Too, we can help you start the process of finding a mental healthcare provider if you’re unsure about what that would look like.

I’d also like to send this resource your way for self-care and self-help: this is a collated list of several resources for anxiety and mental health that to some extent keep self-help in mind. https://www.scarleteen.com/read/feeling ... -resources

To start, the resource called “Basic self-help strategies” contains information on how to soothe yourself right now, which might help in those moments when you’re feeling more anxiety or shame.

How does all of that sound?

[koh123]

That sounds like a good idea. I was in therapy for a while but struggled with the idea of bringing any of this up- I wasn’t really ready to talk about it. I think soon I might try to find a therapist I can talk to about these issues.
thank you for the resources! I’ll make sure to look at them.

[KierC]

I’m glad I could help!

Finding a therapist who you can talk to about these things sounds like a good step forward — I hear you that it can be hard to bring up things we feel shame or anxiety about, and sometimes it takes the right person or the right specialty… even the right time. Too, if it helps, there are networks and resources for finding a therapist who might specialize in or be able to help you with issues that are pertinent to you.

We have a resource on some of the intricacies of finding a therapist who could be a good fit, for whenever you feel ready: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/feeling ... ut-therapy