i hate being a bottom so much

[secretlyawolf]

i'm just really afraid of perpetuating stereotypes about trans men. i don't want people to come away from encounters with me and keep thinking all trans guys are uwu soft boy bottoms. and i'm also afraid of not being seen as a man by my future partners. the reason for this stereotype is that people think we're just women with short hair and different pronouns. and i don't want to contribute to that. i don't want people to see me like that.

i've considered conditioning myself to be dominant. but whenever i think about scenarios where i'm in a dominant position, that i previously enjoyed on the opposite side of things, i feel at best very slightly into it, usually decently uncomfortable and not into it at all, and at worst it puts me on the verge of having a panic attack. it doesn't work, i can't make myself into a top. maybe i'm just not trying hard enough.

i don't know how to go about changing my nature. or if it's even worth the time. if i could, i'd wave my magic wand and not be like this anymore. i hate how i am and i hate feeling like i'll never be a real man because of it.

[Sam W]

Hi secretlyawolf,

Before I dig into the heart of the question, I want to separate out the concept of "bottoming" from the concept of "dominant." Bottoming is, at it's core, about the mechanics of sex, whereas dominance is about the dynamics of a sexual interaction. So, someone could enjoy being dominant while also being the partner who has a toy, penis, hand, etc put into their body. I'm not a huge fan of presenting being a top or bottom, or dominant or submissive, as being inherent, never changing parts of our sexuality, because that's one of those things where there's a binary that's erasing a lot of the variety that actually exists in human sexuality, and it's also something that tends to get muddied the more we're out being sexual with other people.

Regardless, if I'm hearing you right, your preference leans towards both being the "receptive" partner and taking on a more submissive role in a sexual situation, and that's making you feel crummy from a gender angle. I want to be crystal clear: liking one or bother of those things does not, in any way, invalidate your gender. Men can and do enjoy all possible roles, positions, etc during sex. It's just the common scripts, which are still so centered on cis and straight experiences, erase that.

More to the point, if a partner were to come away from being sexual with you and decide that because YOU liked those things, any other trans guy would, that's a them problem, not a you problem. They're choosing to assume everyone from a given group is exactly the same, which is one of those things we're taught not to do starting in kindergarten. And if they somehow carry that assumption to another trans partner, my guess is that partner is going to go "ugh, what is your problem" and not "this is the fault of the other trans guy you were with."

Too, if you're encountering people who say that trans guys HAVE to be dominant, the top, whatever else during sex or else they're contributing to people not seeing trans guys as real men, the people saying that are also wrong. They're demanding you do gender a certain way, just like the people who demanded you pretend you're a girl.

Does all that make sense?