Do your parents know WHEN you are masturbating?

[Kk3620]

Notice I didn't ask IF they know you are doing it.

I don't remember how I discovered masturbation. My earliest memories would be when I was three, laying down on my tummy in my bedroom, humping my hands with a blanket covering me. If someone walked into my room, I would quickly stop. I also liked to "pat" my vulva during bath time if nobody was watching me.

I always felt that I was doing something bad, and felt guilty for it. My biggest fear as a child was that someone would walk in on me and notice what I was doing. Nevertheless, I went to my room several times a day to secretly hump, touch, and play with my vulva.

A few months ago, I needed a bunch of pictures of when I was younger for a school project. A lot of these pictures were archived on my mom's computer. While I was browsing it, I discovered all her archived emails over the years, sorted in folders, based on who wrote them or who she was replying to. I knew I shouldn't read her private emails but I was curious. I saw a folder of saved emails she wrote to a parenting magazine editor. Oh my, she wrote about me anonymously from time to time about my behaviors and how she handled them. But one of them mortified me.

It was dated when I was six years old. She wrote the editor saying that each day after school I would sneak off to my room to masturbate, and that on non-school days I might do this up to five times in one day, and that the behavior started when I was only fourteen months old.

I can't remember being fourteen months old, but the rest of what she wrote I remembered. But I always thought I was doing this in secret. Now it mortifies me that it wasn't a secret. How was it not? Was I that obvious? And now I have trouble masturbating because, each time I want to do it when I am alone, I think my mom knows what I am doing.

How can I get past this? I know it's notmal now, I don't have the childhood guilt that I had while growing up, but I still don't like the cloud hanging over my head that suggests that my parents know this much about me.

[KierC]

Hey there Kk3620, and welcome to the boards

Ah, I can totally understand how it would feel very surprising and exposing to discover those emails. You were very young doing something in private that is very normal at any age, but I hear you how seeing your mom talk about your masturbating in that way was quite the shock. I’m sorry to hear that it’s been making you feel worried about masturbating at home now too.

I’m glad you know that masturbation is completely normal — it totally is, even when you’re at a young age. It also sounds like your mom might have asked those questions in email so she could understand that, too. I hear you, though, that it can still be a bit uncomfortable to think about your parents knowing that you masturbate and when. I was also in a similar situation, (My mom also knew that I masturbated at a similarly young age as well), and while nowadays I try to find humor in it, and nowadays it’s actually one of the many, many things my mom and I know about eachother through the years and it contributes to our closeness, but I do remember feeling how you feel now. Something that helped me was to remember that what I’m doing *is* normal, I can do it whenever I want, and it makes me feel better. Too, it helped me to remind myself that I can do things to make my room safe and private, like closing my door, making sure my parents are either doing something else or I have a good reason to go somewhere private, and use pillows/blankets to minimize noise. There’s also some great tips in this article we have here and here for doing that. At the end of the day, though, I might also view this as a normal bodily thing, like your parents knowing when you go to the bathroom or go to sleep. How does that sound to you?

With all this in mind, do you feel like you have enough privacy at home or time go to your room?

[Kk3620]

Yes, I have privacy in my room so it isn't something I worry about. It's just, when I was younger, how did my mom know what I was doing in private? It's like my room has a hidden camera in it although I am sure that is not true. Was she just guessing and pretty certain why I liked to sneak off to my room a lot?

I think my mom wrote that email because she may have been concerned that I was masturbating too much at that age, not that she thought it was bad, just worried about me doing it several times a day.

I used to feel guilt about it as a child. Reading between the lines, my guess is that maybe I used to masturbate in public, and maybe it was a struggle at first for my family to get me to understand that it's only for in private? And maybe as a just a toddler age even I misunderstood and thought it was bad? But this is all hypothetical, because I can't remember anything from before having already established a routine of masturbating by myself in my bed or in the bath.

KierC, you said you used to feel the same way as me once. How old were you? How did your mom know you were masturbating? How did she react? You said you have a close relationship and you have talked about this with her. Maybe I would feel better if I had a talk with my mom also. We talk lots, but we have never discussed masturbation. I don't even know how to bring it up.

But right now, after all this time, I feel some throbbing and pulsing down there and the urge to masturbate is so strong, but as soon as I start doing it, I suddenly feel like my privacy is an allusion, and that the world knows what I am up to and then I stop.

[Latha]

Hi Kk3620!

Somehow, I think it is a bit unlikely that your mother knows exactly when you are masturbating, especially these days. The email you described is from when you were quite young, which makes sense — small children need a lot of attention, and parents tend to be very attentive to changes in their children's behavior. Since this started at 14 months, your mother might have noticed a pattern. But now you are older, and you don't need that much attention, so she probably doesn't think about it. Too, teaching you that masturbation is meant to be private may not have been that much of a struggle, especially in context — think of all the other things we have to teach children about.

If you're sometimes struck with a sense that your privacy is an illusion, it might help to try some of the changes that Kier suggested — they could help reinforce a sense of safety.

it helped me to remind myself that I can do things to make my room safe and private, like closing my door, making sure my parents are either doing something else or I have a good reason to go somewhere private, and use pillows/blankets to minimize noise. There’s also some great tips in this article we have here and here for doing that.

I'll let Kier know about your questions!

[KierC]

Hi again!

KierC, you said you used to feel the same way as me once. How old were you? How did your mom know you were masturbating? How did she react? You said you have a close relationship and you have talked about this with her. Maybe I would feel better if I had a talk with my mom also. We talk lots, but we have never discussed masturbation. I don't even know how to bring it up.

I’d be happy to talk a bit about my experience if it helps. I had quite the journey with this. I started masturbating before I knew “what it was,” and I think that’s not an uncommon experience for very young children! My first memory of it was when I was 2 years old, but I think I started earlier too. I’m laughing as I remember this, but because I had no idea what this was, there were many instances of me being “caught” and having to talk about it with my mom. My mom found out a few times from walking in on me when she was tucking me into bed as a child, and other times because I would do it during daycare naptime and the daycare attendants told my mom. I remember the daycare attendants getting mad at me, but I do remember my mom was never mad, she was very gentle and understanding. I remember my mom talking to me when I was very young after I had been caught a bit that “scratching myself” (that’s what she called it) is a good and normal thing but something that is private and should be done in private. I didn’t feel weird about it because scratching an itch sounded really normal to me, and I was an extremely obedient child so I just started doing it in private.

But honestly, when I found out what it was called and like the crappy “societal” messages surrounding female masturbation, I did feel embarrassed from the ages of like 8-17 ish, mostly because I just felt awkward about masturbation in general and felt too “seen.” Feeling too seen was a common thread of my and many others’ teenage years, but it does go away. <3 When I went to college and became a sex educator who talks to other people about masturbation, the whole shame surrounding masturbation fell apart for me, and now this whole thing makes me smile in hindsight that my mom wasn’t judgmental of me.

So, I am hopeful for you that one day you’re going to smile at all of this, and hopefully it can be a source of closeness for you and your mom too. It sounds like she was worried about the frequency of it, but in my opinion if she didn’t talk to you about it or get mad after she sent those emails and heard back, it’s likely she was told that it’s very normal to masturbate often, and took it to heart!

I think talking to her might be a good idea if you feel ready to do so, and if you have some idea of what you might want to know from her. You could start by opening up about the emails if you feel safe doing so, or you could say you have questions about your body! Do you have an idea of what you’d want to say to her, if you could say whatever you really meant?

I totally agree with Latha too, and what they said also echoes my experience! When I got older, like physically more independent (around teen age), I found that my mom actually didn’t know when I was masturbating anymore. She definitely knew when I would masturbate when I was younger because 1) I had no clue what it was I was doing and wouldn’t hide it, and 2) she had to know where I was and what I was doing when I was a baby and a young kid so she could take care of me and make sure I didn’t set fires or fall off things or whatever babies do. But as a teenager, I found that there were way more times to slip off and go to my room, like if my parents went out to dinner, or if they were asleep or in a meeting or something, I would slip off to my room. So, I am also hopeful that you may have at least a bit more privacy now than you had before, but if you have privacy concerns we can definitely talk about them to manage them. How does hearing all that make you feel?

[Lydia0001]

I’ve been there. Growing up, I thought I was being super private too, but looking back, my parents probably caught on to way more than I realized. I didn’t stumble on emails or anything like that, but there were definitely a few moments where I was like, “Wait, how do they even know that?”

It used to bother me a lot, I felt like my privacy wasn’t as solid as I thought. But honestly, parents are just wired to notice stuff, especially if they’re worried about us. They’re not always the smoothest about it, though.

It’s great that you already know masturbation is normal—it is! If your mom wasn’t judging you, just kind of curious, that’s a good thing. If you’re comfortable, you could even talk to her about it. Sounds like you already have a good relationship, so it might clear the air.

[Kk3620]

Hey, I think I feel a bit better. You are all probably right. When I was younger, our rooms were for sleeping or getting changed, but if I am going to my room in the middle of family events for twenty minutes at a time before returning, what else would I have been doing, if you think about it? I mean our lives were right there, together in common areas of the house. But now, we all have our own things in our room. Music, stereos, and homework to do and stuff. Maybe my mom did not have to see me in my room to know what my regular routines were?

KeirC, thank goodness you had a great mom! When those day care staff could have given you guilt and shame, your mom had a healthier, gentle, more understanding heart! So, when you were these pre-school ages, 2,3, and 4, when did your mom first discuss with you about your "scratching", was it when she walked in on you to tuck you in at night and you were doing it? Or was it after she heard from daycare staff? I mean at home in your own room at bedtime would be an appropriate time and place, even though that is a common time for parents to walk in. But day care naptime, not appropriate. How long did it take for you to learn not to do it at daycare? Was it after being caught one time? Or did it take a lot of reminders? Did you ever feel awkward about it at that age? Did you ever quickly stop "scratching" if your mom walked in to tuck you in? Did you ever feel embarrassed? Or were you able to keep "scratching" even while visiting your mom in your room because you were both open and cool about it? How often did she catch you doing this? How old were you the last time she actually caught you?

If I talked to my mom, I think the information I would want to know, is her experience with it during her lifetime, her experiences and viewpoints, and then her thoughts, feelings, and what she experienced when I was fourteen months old and started masturbating. Where was I when I did it the first time? How did she handle it? How did she feel? And then I would share my memories, how the youngest I remember was three but already in my own established routine. And I would tell her how my biggest fear as a pre-schooler and elementary child was potentially "getting caught" while humping my hands underneath my blanket. I know she probably would feel bad if she found out that that was one of my fears, but I feel having all this is the open with each other would be good in a way.

But I don't think I want to bring up that I discovered her emails. Not sure what I want to do.

Last year, I saw a little girl grinding and digging her hands into her privates when she was seated in a shopping cart at target, and her mom was very frustrated with her, yet it looked so cute and innocent it looked funny to me but at the same time made me feel uncomfortable all at the same time. Maybe I could ask my mom if she has ever seen kids do that, and she might talk about me, maybe?

[Ainsley2025]

I sure hope they don't! Although now that I have a vibrator they may have heard something and I don't know they did. That's a disturbing thought

[KierC]

Hey Kk3620,

Yeah! I really suspect your mom may not know when you do it anymore, especially since you have your own routines and independence now.

Haha, I am also really glad my mom was understanding! So, my mom talked to me about it after the daycare staff saw me, and then as soon as she told me that it was a private thing, I stopped doing it at daycare. I was usually mortified to get in trouble about anything at all, so I stopped doing that immediately. But I mostly felt mortified about just being in trouble in general, until I was around teen age and I started to understand the social context of it, and I had a little cringe moment and felt a bit embarrassed until I got older. I would always stop when my mom walked in after she talked to me about the daycare thing, because she explained that it’s just for me to do alone. Then when I became a teenager and got more independence, I wouldn’t get caught or anything because I had a good idea of how to be private and had some more space for myself. Honestly, I don’t think I’ve been “caught” since then.

It sounds like you don’t want to bring up the emails, but that you might want to have more of an open conversation with her about sexual health and masturbation, and her experience with it. That sounds like a good idea! I think talking to her about what you saw last year is a great idea too, if you want to, because it’ll let you talk about it more generally at first and give your mom the opportunity to ask you questions too, and then you can talk about your experience if you want to.