Guilty about kinks

[Wisteria]

I've been supressing my kinks since I was a kid. I was deep into it as a kid, and I was unable to stop thinking about it and doing stuff with it and it made me feel ashamed and embarrassed even though nobody knew about it. Now I'm almost a legal adult and still feel ashamed about it, but now I supress them so much that I never engage in any media with it and can't even look at the subject in a normal way, I'm completely avoident when it comes up and feel awful when I see it knowing I like it. I'm scared of myself and I really don't want to have these kinks. They're not even anything harmful I'm just sad and guilty about it since it's weird and I can't stop thinking about it. Every few months up until a year I engage in media with it heavily for a while and then I stop for another few months but I never get over the shame I have because I engaged in it. I feel so bad about myself and I know if anybody knew what I liked they'd make fun of me. I don't know what to do to feel less awful or to stop thinking about these kinks because I know I'll never find a partner who shares them especially given my sexuality.

[Jacob]

Hi Wisteria!

Maybe a useful way to start would be to question the usefulness of the word "kink" for you?

Contained in that word is an idea that these practices or interests, somehow stand apart or are different from the rest of "normal" sexuality - but that's not really true.

Anything that turns us on is part of our sexuality, and all sexuality is varied and complex without any real "normal"

So instead of thinking of these things as kinks or peculiarities which you have to accept into your sexuality, maybe you could think of them as already part of your sexuality, and so you you don't really need to accept them because they're already here - all you can do is understand or explore them (or not) as much as you want!

How would you feel about taking acceptance out of the equation altogether, and instead just exploring these aspects of your sexuality/fantasy/fiction which are already a part of you?

[Wisteria]

I want to but don't want to at the same time. I feel like if I explored it more in fiction then I wouldn't have moments where I engage in it heavily (in fiction as well) then feel guilty for a long time afterwards. I just feel so ashamed and disgusted by it that I can't let myself do that. I did it recently and now don't know what to do with myself because I feel so ashamed. I just don't know which is the right option, to engage in it and feel horrible or suppress it and feel horrible.

[Ro S]

Hey there Wisteria,

I'm sorry to hear that you're having overwhelming feelings of shame and are just feeling horrible.

I think that just like you said, openly exploring it (free of judgement) would probably decrease the times where you engage with this heavily for consecutive months and then feel tons of shame like you described in your first post.

You also mentioned that what you're feeling shameful of "isn't anything harmful" so I want to ask where you picked up the concept of it being out of the norm or disgusting? No one is born feeling shame, but we learn, through media & our environments, that certain things are acceptable and normal and others are bad and to be punished. I think in the process of allowing ourselves to explore our sexuality, it's important to question where the ideas of "normal" we picked up come from. You know?

[Wisteria]

I'm sorry for the late reply,

Just to clarify I engage in it for a few days then never again for a few months. I realized from your last posts that you're right and I should stop feeling so guilty about something harmless, I just don't know how to get rid of the disgust I feel towards it. It's something my friends commonly make fun of and it makes me feel awful. I know I shouldn't look to others for validation, especially when it comes to sexual matters, but that's how I am as a person. After your responses to me I actually tried to engage in it some and I enjoyed it but instantly blocked it out the next day and thought I was disgusting. I'm sorry if I'm going in circles, your words do help me and I'm trying to accept it I'm just not quite sure how to get to that point.

[CaitlinEve]

Wisteria,

I'm glad to hear that you had a chance to think about the responses you've received! It's really easy to tell someone not to look for others for validation, but the truth is that it's SUCH a common thing to do that it may feel impossible to not seek out that validation; and when you don't receive it, even if it's unintentional, it hurts! I think it's important to remember that this will be a process; nobody is expecting you to just magically embrace your sexuality overnight. What's important is that you are recognizing that you need help and that how you treat yourself and your sexuality isn't sustainable for your mental health.

[Wisteria]

Thank you very much for your responses, they helped a lot I hope that I can become comfortable with this even if others might think I'm weird. I might try to bring this up with my therapist, actually.

[HannahP]

Hi Wisteria! I think that's a great idea. I'd also like to suggest this article to you, if you haven't read it before: Am I normal? Who cares? It's not specifically about kinks, but I think it's a great read for anyone feeling bad at about being different from others when it comes to sex.

[Wisteria]

Thank you very much!