Fleshlight, feeling like i need one but im too scared?

[Borzoi42]

Hi im Oscar, im a guy and im 17. Lately ive been thinking about fleshlights and stuff like that. Ive tried sex toys in the past but they were more butt stuff. and i really didnt enjoy it at all and it only left me feeling worse about my sexual health. But now months later my mind is again thinking about sex toys and now im just super confused cause i want one but i worry that i will put too much emotional weight on it and suffer because of it. and i know its normal for people to use sex toys but i always feel back and forth about it. I dont know maybe i have to just buy one and not put any emotional weight on it, like im just buying something normal.
Any advice would be useful from people that use and own sex toys, thanks.

[Heather]

Hey there, Oscar.

You know, I wonder if it might help you out to think of sex toys as tools, much like you think of things like flatware, walking shoes, or a screwdriver as tools. All sex toys ultimately are are tools or aids that help us do something we enjoy.

Alternately, you can also think of them like you might think of sports equipment, or supplies for a hobby or craft. Sex is an activity much like those, and sex toys can be things we either need (like knitting needles if we knit, or a soccer ball of we play soccer) or want (like really great yarn for knitting or a cool jersey for soccer) as part of doing that activity.

Might that help you change how you think about them and lighten any emotional load you're putting on them?

[Borzoi42]

Yeah that helps to think of them as tools, it’s just hard for me to feel differently about it because of how sex isn’t really talked about with me, but I’m gonna reframe it like that cause it does help. I sometimes think that the reason I want a fleshlight is to kind of own my sexuality cause I have had past trauma that probably is the reason I’m a bit shameful of sex.

[Heather]

I'm really sorry to hear about sexual trauma in your history, and I agree that masturbation and sex toys can absolutely be one good way of working to reclaim your sexuality for yourself. <3

[Borzoi42]

Thank you, I really appreciate your help. I always get a bit overwhelmed whenever I think about buying a sex toy, it fills my thoughts all the time cause I think it’ll change my life when it won’t, just aid me in a way.

[lilikoi]

Hi Borzoi42,

It's easy to think that one gadget or one quick trick is all you need to change your life. That's such a common expectation these days but the truth is that change is incremental and you are more likely to look back on your life in 5 years or 10 years and only notice a meaningful difference then.

I love to hear that you're being gentle with yourself while you overcome your trauma and explore your desires. Being intentional and listening to your body in the moment is a great pathway to finding the things that will have a big impact on you! Toys, tools, and emotional strategies are all personal investments. What works for one person won't be the right thing for another.

[Borzoi42]

That’s very true it will take a long while for me to be completely freed of sexual shame, I just have a lot of worries of being “behind with sex” and I don’t wanna be a virgin for the next 10 years.

[lilikoi]

Where do you feel like that worry comes from?

[Borzoi42]

A lot of my friends have had sex and I nearly had a relationship one time but her dad said no. I’ve always had a weird relationship with sex and porn, I was using it a lot a few years ago and it was unhealthy, and now I kinda feel like I want something different and if I can’t have sex I wanna try sex toys. But its quite sad to be honest cause I’m really just craving connection, like the other week I was so desperate I was looking for a hookup to try and see if I could have sex finally.

[lilikoi]

It's hard to crave connection without an outlet for your feelings! That being said, I want to reassure you that there are so many young adults who are in the same boat as you. And, the truth is, if you are looking for a sexual experience that is safe and nurturing, (which is usually the case for users of our site -- and worth it if you ask me) it's important not to rush into sex just to be able to say that you have done it.

Based on what you've shared so far, I'd love to recommend a few articles from our archives. They articulate some responses better than I can. Have a look see and let us know if they strike a chord or bring up any other thoughts you want to dive deeper into!

• Undoing Sexual Shame: includes a 5 step process that might be easiest to digest

• Impurity Culture: Surviving Virginity: this addresses shame related to virginity specifically

• Will I be the only virgin in my circle of friends and family forever?: all good if this one is harder to relate to but just wanted to reinforce that this is a common discussion point for many people

• Is THAT All There Is?: funny, frank, and reassuring about virginity

Since you mentioned you are working on your relationship to porn, here are some articles that might be interesting!

• An Interview With Jiz Lee: interview with a performer about ethical consumption of porn

• Making Sense of Sexual Media: simple information to help understand porn

Like I said, read all of them or just 1 but let us know how it lands for you related to "being behind".

[Borzoi42]

Thank you for those links I read them and they’ve helped with the mental side of things. I read the article about how to use strokers aswell for more knowledge, and it was useful but after I always feel quite nervous, like I’m doing something bad that my parents would shame me for, even though I’ve actually found some sex toys in my siblings room by accident. And another thing, but whenever I’m looking at buying a fleshlight/pocket pussy I seem to gravitate to ones that are more elaborate, like they’re not just a vagina opening but a whole bottom half of a torso with a bum hole and a vagina more similar to a sex doll. I worry I’m getting to “into it” and it’s not ok for me.

[Latha]

Hi there, Borzoi42! I'm glad the links that lilikoi suggested were helpful. <3

I'm sorry to hear that the idea of your parents' judgement is weighing on you. If I may ask, have your parents or other people shamed you about sex before? What do you know about how your parents think about sex?

Also, is your fear of getting too into a sex toy related to your sense that your relationship with sex and pornography has been unhealthy in the past? (Would you like to talk about that?)

[Borzoi42]

My parents are quite sex positive, I never had “the talk” but my mum has said before that she isn’t against her kids having sex as long as they’re safe. No one has ever really shamed me about sex before but I don’t think I was told properly about how it’s completely normal to feel the things i do.

I did have a bad relationship with porn for a long time, I felt that I had an addiction and I would feel disgusted at the things I would see and feel aroused because of. I’ve always felt ashamed to a degree anytime I do a sexual act, like I’m not allowed to enjoy that thing, and now I want to buy a pocket pussy and i worry ill spend money on it and regret it after.

[Latha]

Oh, I'm glad to hear that your parents are positive about sex. We can tell you that it is completely normal to feel the things you do and that you have nothing to be ashamed of, but since your concern was about your parents' judgement, do you think it would help to hear that from them? It is okay to ask for reassurance--you wouldn't have to go into the details of what exactly you want for them to tell you that they would not shame you for it.

If it helps to hear it again, it is okay that you are interested in sex, and it is okay that you want a sex toy--even ones that are elaborate and realistic. You are allowed to enjoy sex. I think we have to accept, though, that if you make this purchase it will be experimental. You might like a fleshlight or you might not--you have to be okay with spending money just to see what it is like. Though you are buying a sex toy, this is functionally no different from any other choice: you might go to a movie theater to see a film before you know whether you will like it. If you don't, that doesn't mean you've done something wrong--it just means the movie wasn't for you. Does that make sense? Do you think that it would be possible for you to adopt this view?

[Borzoi42]

I think I’d find it a bit too awkward to ask for reassurance from my parents, because in the past we’ve had small chats here and there about the sex and puberty and she said my siblings were similar.

Reframing it like that is a good way to think about it, in truth I’ve spent soo much money on something I don’t even use but I enjoy the novelty of owning it because it’s one of my hobbies. So yeah I can buy a sex toy and use it, and hopefully I’ll be happy with it and enjoy using it when I can, but if I don’t I might be able to be happy knowing that it’s not for me or get some other sexual use out of it, whether it be just feeling and touching it, ya know?

[Anya]

Hey Borzoi42,

I think that sounds like a totally reasonable place to be, and a healthy mindset to try your best at applying.

Is there anything else you feel you want to talk about here?

[Borzoi42]

I’m not sure to be honest, I’m just mainly worried about the sex toy stuff. I don’t have much money right now, I might be getting a job really soon but that’ll take a few weeks to start. And hiding it, like where am I gonna hide a whole naked butt in my room lol

[Anya]

Those are fair concerns for sure. I think perhaps giving it some more time to think and save up could be beneficial? There's no universal timeline or rush to be comfortable and ready to use or own sex toys. I think you're on totally the right track with thinking through it like you are here.

[Borzoi42]

Yeah, I’ve definitely taken a more thought through approach to this I haven’t decided what one to get yet and yeah also need the money first.

[lilikoi]

Glad to hear that the articles were helpful! As far as hiding your sex toys goes, it might help to make that part of your decision criteria for your purchase. Find a private place you would keep it and then base the size of your toy on where it will stay in your room. That might mean saving the larger purchases for a time in your life when you have more space to yourself. Do you have a fair amount of privacy where you keep your things now or is that a challenge in your living situation?

I want to mention too that hiding something might trigger some feelings of shame. One way I have restructured those thoughts for myself is to remember that sexual privacy is a component of consent. Private sexual thoughts and toys are vulnerable particularly for anyone managing sexual trauma. You do not need to share these private moments or accessories with anyone you don't want to.

[Borzoi42]

I don’t have to worry about my parents going through things, but rarely my mum has looked through my room when she has thought about clearing some stuff out so it is a small concern. I have drawers under my bed and I keep condoms in one of them and there is a good amount of space there for a box or a larger toy like the butt. But I think right now I might save that one for later cause I found this fleshlight that is a realistic vagina in a beer can, and it’s about £30 so I might start there.

I do find that hiding something does feel like I would be ashamed to have anyone know about it, cause in the past when I had bought sex toys I didn’t have them delivered so I walked into town and went to pickup points. But now I don’t really feel like doing that, I could have it delivered as my family don’t open my packages, but I do worry they’ll ask wha I’ve bought, and if I say it’s private or personal they will get suspicious.

[Sofi]

Hi Borzoi42, hope it's okay if I jump in. I do agree with lilikoi about the shame aspect of hiding stuff like this, but also agree with her that you can change that for privacy instead of hiding. So rather than thinking "I'm hiding this delivery package from my parents", it's more of a "I have a right to privacy and this is a personal order so I don't need to show them what it is". It's not because it's bad or wrong to have a sex toy, but because you deserve privacy in general, and especially around intimacy. It sounds like your parents are open minded and accepting of this kind of thing, so I think they would understand if you get a private package and don't want to disclose or show them what's in it. Same goes for you asking your mom to let you clean your room so she doesn't go through your stuff and accidentally find anything private.

[Borzoi42]

I think labelling it that way is the best approach cause it is just privacy. I’m not actually in school currently so I have a lot of free time during the day so chances are they won’t even know I ordered something.

[Tara]

Glad we were able to discuss this more in chat today!