Can’t Orgasm

[catadora_m]

First, I wanted to say that I’m sorry for creating a brand new topic when I know masturbation is something that’s discussed a lot on this message board, but I figured it’d just be easier. I’ve been masturbating for about a year now, and my boyfriend and I have started fingering within the past 4 ish months. Regardless of whether I use my hands or my electric toothbrush, focus on the clit or inside, whether it’s me or my boyfriend, I just can’t orgasm. I definitely know that orgasming isn’t the “end goal”, and that you can still experience pleasure without it, but I’d just like to actually feel good. Sometimes, I’ll start to feel like it’s really getting there, and things will feel strong but the moment it stops for even a second, all of that goes away. At the same time, sometimes I feel like I need to stop because it’s about to be a lot, but that “lot” is what I want to feel. Even if I have a nice time, I still never feel complete. Essentially, I just wanted to ask if there was anything I was doing wrong or anything I could do differently? I’m not really sure where to go from here.

[Nadine E.]

Hi catadora_m,

I get that this feels frustrating, but you aren’t doing anything wrong. It can take time for a person to fully explore their body and arousal, and to get to a point of orgasm.

When you do masturbate, do you feel relaxed and comfortable? Do you feel like you can take your time, or are you feeling rushed for any reason? Are you in an environment that feels comfortable?

There are also definitely different ways you can masturbate, and you’ve shared a few you’ve been doing already. Are you usually feeling aroused when you masturbate (or are sexual with your boyfriend)? And of the different things you’ve tried so far, have you noticed what’s been most pleasurable for you (body parts, ways of touching, etc.)?

[catadora_m]

I guess I do actually often feel rushed when masturbating, mostly because it’s kind of difficult to find a time that works. As for arousal, sometimes I find it difficult to get really aroused until it just starts. It’s possible that it’s related to anti-depressants I take, but I’m not sure. My experiences still aren’t bad at all, but I definitely see what you mean about how this could create some stress.

[Heather]

How do you feel about trying to find yourself some real time and space for the next time you masturbate and seeing how much that makes a difference?

Too, if you can try to just focus and stay focused on feeling good, rather than on orgasm or otherwise "getting somewhere," that often makes a big difference in both people's experiences of pleasure, but also tends to make orgasm more likely. But to get to orgasm, people do generally have to be feeling really good in whatever sexual activities they are doing first, and sometimes for a while, and feeling excited. On top of that, there's also a piece where we need to let go -- where we have to let go of fears about things feeling like " a lot," for example, or about what might happen if we just go with pleasure -- for orgasm to happen. So, it might help to think a little about what's behind that for you, whether it's about something like a worry of being walked in on or about something else?