Struggle to orgasm with partner

[Spider_Queen]

Me and my girlfriend have been dating for about a month now, and it's going great, though we have had some issues while being sexually intimate with one another. I am mtf trans, no hormones as of yet, and I've been really struggling to reach orgasm, which has somewhat thrown me for a loop, as I think most of the time people talk about how easy it is for people with penises to reach orgasm, and so I've sort of struggled with knowing what to do. My girlfriend has been really enjoying sex, and I have too, I think it's pretty fun and I definitely like being there for her, but for some reason I just haven't been able to orgasm myself. I don't know what exactly the issue is, to be entirely honest, but it's been making her upset, which in turn makes me quite upset. I have found it really hard to relax and get into it in the same way that I do with masturbation, and the sensation is obviously quite different. We've done a lot of different things, including mutual masturbation, and in general I find it harder to reach orgasm. I am fine with the way things are, but my girlfriend wants a change, and I want to provide that for her.

The main issue right now, I feel, is that I don't know where the problem is. Sometimes, I feel great, and I feel like I am going to reach orgasm, and other times, I don't, with very little difference in what we are doing. My girlfriend is worried that it is potentially death grip syndrome, and I worry that it is as well, but it's something I am not entirely sure how to address if it is. I worry it could be attraction or arousal since I can reach orgasm when I'm on my own watching porn, but I am definitely attracted to her, and I am often the one to initiate intercourse. I feel like there is a strong chance it is nerves, or something to do with trying too hard, as I have experienced similar struggles when I am trying hard to finish masturbating for whatever reason, but I don't know if I feel nervous during sex so much as I feel distracted. Whenever we first begin doing anything, I am usually pretty excited and I feel good, but after a while I stop feeling very much and I lose a lot of the initial arousal I had.

We have tried different types of sex, and I do my best to relax, and let everything happen naturally, but I'm really not sure what to do in this situation, as I want to keep having sex with her, and I do want to reach orgasm eventually, for her sake and also for my own reasons.

[Sam W]

Hi Spider_Queen,

There are a few different things that it sounds like could be at play here. You mention you think nerves or trying too hard (in other words, putting pressure on yourself) could be playing a role, and I agree. When we're nervous, whether that's about our "performance," the test we have tomorrow, or something else entirely, that tends to really throw the brakes on our arousal.

You mention that you tend to start out pretty excited and aroused and then lose that and stop feeling very much as sex continues. Have you noticed any patterns or similarities in what causes that shift?

It does also sound like at least part of the pressure here is coming from your girlfriend and her desire for you to orgasm during sex. Have you two talked about that at all, including why it's so important to her? I ask because feeling like we have to orgasm, whether for ourselves or for our partner (or both) is a great way to make it harder for us to orgasm.