I'm struggling with my sexuality

[fresariver]

Hello!! This is something that's bothered me for a few months now, however I do want to preface this by saying that I'll be talking about sexual assault, grooming, and abuse in this just in case anybody is uncomfortable with that! (Not in detail)

So, I, 16F, realized I liked girls when I was 12 going into 7th grade. I went from bisexual with a preference for guys, to a preference to girls, to lesbian in my 8th grade/Freshman year. I used this label up until the beginning-ish of my sophomore year when I met this guy in Chemistry class. I thought I had a crush on him, but after about two weeks it faded away and when I thought back on it, it was mostly sexual attraction rather than actual attraction *to* him. I went back to the lesbian label, and that's where I'm at now. However, I feel like I'm not actually lesbian because, after realizing that I had sexual attraction to that guy, I started fantasizing about men even more. Whenever I masturbated, I thought of a guy getting me off and I sometimes yearn, like, the comfort and protection of a man.

The thing is, I feel like this doesn't come out of an attraction for men, but from my lack of a father figure and past sexual trauma from when I was younger. I was assaulted when I was 5 years old, which, as I hit puberty, made me (sort of?) hypersexual. My father has also been in my life but more of a physically-present-but-absent type of thing. This has heavily impacted my relationship with men and it's also why it took me so long to connect with the lesbian label. Anytime a guy would be even the slightest bit nice to me, I'd feel all nice and warm inside but I never truly liked them. When I fantasize about men, though, it's always a fictional character or a faceless man. Additionally (I feel like this just keeps getting worse and worse haha), it's always in a DDLG type of fantasy where they take care of me and treat me- like the name states- like a little girl, which is where I think the father issues come in. If it's not DDLG it's in a non-con scene where the man is taking advantage of me. Even WORSE is that I often wish I was actively being groomed by another much older male figure. The idea of an older man just taking care of me, both sexually and emotionally, just makes me feel nice and warm inside. This has gone as far as me downloding apps and searching for older men to groom me online. I know this isn't healthy whatsoever but I seriously don't know how to stop feeling these feelings, and the worst part is I don't even feel ashamed or bad for having these feelings despite knowing how wrong they are.

Anyways, I'm sure you now understand why I'm struggling so much with my label/lesbian identity. I know that having a label isn't truly necessary and even identified as just queer for a while, but I feel like having a label would just help me so much more rather than being stuck in a "and i bisexual or am i lesbian" trance. I have no idea what I am because I truly have never liked a man. I guess I had little crushes on boys back in elementary school, but the way I like girls and the way I "liked" boys was COMPLETELY different. Whenever I like a girl it's a constant, soul sucking *yearning,* but when I was little and liked boys I only ever liked them when they paid attention to me. I guess liking guys attention is a better way to put it lol.

Anyways if you actually read this far and have any tips please help haha!! I'm already planning on getting a therapist when I leave for college (too scared to ask my parents+ they don't believe in that because of the Hispanic parent curse) Thank you and bye <3

[Latha]

Hi Fresariver, welcome to the boards!

I understand that this is a sensitive topic, and I'm glad you felt comfortable talking about it here.

I think there are many lesbians who would be able to relate to your experiences with boys. It can be hard to understand and distinguish between different kinds of attraction at the best of times, but there is also social messaging that teaches women that they should want and value sexual and romantic attention from men. For many people, the feeling of being wanted can be sexually interesting in its own right. This doesn't mean that you are not a lesbian.

Anytime a guy would be even the slightest bit nice to me, I'd feel all nice and warm inside but I never truly liked them.

I'm stating the obvious, but I think it is normal to feel nice when people are nice to you. Still, minds can attach special significance to uncommon things, and people can end up with friend groups where everyone is of the same gender. If you don't have any good friends who are guys, you might consider being intentional about making friends with them. This could help normalize male attention for your mind and help you distinguish between romantic and platonic interest.

and the worst part is I don't even feel ashamed or bad for having these feelings despite knowing how wrong they are.

Honestly, I think it is good that you don't feel ashamed for having these feelings. Shame often makes it harder to understand issues clearly and address them. You can want something, not be ashamed about wanting it, and still understand that pursuing it isn't the best course of action. Of course, it isn't wrong for you to be interested in DDLG or consensual nonconsent- you can have a healthy relationship that incorporates such elements. But practically speaking, it isn't very safe for you to be on these apps or websites. Would you be be interested in brainstorming a plan of action for when you feel the urge to do this?

Sometimes our identities are complicated. Things like trauma can intersect with or influence sexuality. Single words can't always capture all of that, and that is okay. You can choose a label because it is the best fit, or because it best represents the kinds of relationships that you want to have right now. I understand why you're struggling with your sexuality, but if being a lesbian feels good or right, then that is what you are.

How does this sound to you?

[fresariver]

Hi Latha, thank you so much for your reply!

I think you're right on the 'making more male friends' part. I only have about 2 guy friends that I talk to on a regular basis, but I will definitely try making more to try and normalize male friendships into my life.

About the apps and websites- I usually just go and watch my favorite show or just do something I enjoy to keep my mind off of it for a while. I really try my hardest to not do that type of stuff because I know it's not healthy or correct. Of course, if you think there's some other ways to go about this I'm more than happy to listen!

Again, thank you so much for helping me and giving me advice