my mom found out my vibrator.

[PomPom]

sooo, i’m 16(f), and i’ve never masturbated before. the problem is, i can’t get truly turned on, even though i know my kinks!! i always have a lot of thoughts going on in my head, also i’m insecure about my body, and i’m afraid that my parents gonna come in on me doing it, i don’t have a door lock. but i really wanted to try masturbate, because i know that can ease stress and it’s just good?
and so i’ve bought a vibrator, vacuum vibrator. i unpacked it, put it to charge, and my mom came in. i covered it, be she got nosy, so i told her that’s it’s a vibratior. her reaction was negative, she asked if it’s THAT on what she gave me money, if i’m not a virgin anymore (I AM a virgin) and then she was like “i don’t know it’s just, i feel unwell and gross about it, you’re only 16”
i’m sad now, the worst is - i don’t even want to use it now, so i just spent my money on nothing. this situation happed before, when i got myself a erotical tarot card. but her reaction was more intense. i don’t understand why, if that’s how she reacts, she’s still keeping being nosy when you can pretend like you didn’t see anything. i don’t know what to do, i thought i’ll have a good time, but now my mood is ruined. i just need to vent probably.

[Sam W]

Hi PomPom,

Ooof, a parent finding something related to your sex life, whether that's solo or partnered, can make for some rough conversations. It's why a lot of people will go out of their way to hide evidence of their sex lives from parents, sometimes to the point where that causes other problems. But also, at 16 it's totally reasonable for you to want, and to try to have, some privacy.

Does it feel worth it to you to try and have a more involved conversation with your mom about all this? I ask because it sounds like she's jumping to conclusions (such as that someone having a sex toy means they're sexual active with a partner) and like there might be some big feelings in the mix. But that conversation would also give you the chance to ask for a bit more privacy than it sounds like you've been getting.

[PomPom]

i’ll try to, when i’ll have time. but there’s another question to ask, maybe i can do something to ease my mind when i wanna have some alone time? because sometimes i have a lot of non related thoughts when i wanna relax. mostly they are about the way i look, “what would that person think about me?”, or how to keep quiet, and a lot of others, what should i do?

[Sam W]

Okay! If you end up wanting help figuring out how to have the conversation, that's absolutely something we can talk about.

So, it sounds like you have two general categories of distracting thought during masturbation. One is practical concerns, like how to keep quiet or otherwise maintain some degree of privacy. We actually have a few pieces that might help with that, meaning you can worry about it a bit less!
Deep Cover: Tips for Managing Anxiety or Privacy Worries When Masturbating at Home
How can I masturbate without my parents knowing?

The other category of thought sounds like you're getting stuck on what you would look like to an outside observer, and that's kind of taking you out of the moment. Do I have that right?

[PomPom]

yeah, you do. sometimes i think that i’ll look silly, or unattractive. or that’s i should do some other things, some important things. or something like that.

[Sam W]

With the worries about how you look during masturbation, here's a question that might be helpful: why does it matter? I don't mean that in a snotty way, I mean that in the sense of, unless we invite someone to watch, masturbation is something that happens without an audience.

As far as the feeling that you "should" be doing other things instead of masturbating, it can help to think of it in a few different ways. One is that we, on a given day, do plenty of unimportant things, either because they're fun, or because they need doing. But also, I'd argue that taking time to connect with your body and do something that feels good IS an important thing.

[PomPom]

hmm, these sounds good to me, i’ll think about it. but i want to make it clear, i think about the way i look, because probably i’ll look like this during actual sex, and then this will be matter.
and also, please can you give some advice on how to talk about it with my mom? now she acts like nothing happened, but probably one talk shouldn’t hurt

[Sam W]

In that case, I'm actually going to ask the same question again: why does it matter what you look like when having sex with a partner? After all, if it's gotten to that point, the person definitely knows what you look like and, on top of that, is attracted to how you look.

Are there times your mom tends to be most receptive to having more serious talks? And have you had to have conversations about sensitive topics with her in the past? If so, how did those go?

[PomPom]

i don’t remember any talks like that. not at these topics at least. sometimes i tried to initiate them, a long time ago, but she brushed it off.

[AliahMaharaj]

Hey PomPom,

First off I wanna commend you for trying to figure out how to talk with your mom about what’s been on your mind, despite how she’s reacted so far. That’s a brave decision, and it shows that you want to be open and honest with her about your sexuality, which is a great frame of mind to go into a conversation with.

Sexuality is a topic lots of parents tend to brush off or ignore, usually because of their own discomfort with talking about it. That may be what led to your mom’s reactions, but she isn’t being fair to you by responding that way. It sounds like she’s caught up in assumptions she’s made (about you having sex with someone else), so explaining that those assumptions aren’t true could make her more likely to listen to you with an open mind.

Having a conversation like this with her may be intimidating for you (and maybe for your mom too), but being honest with her about feeling that way that may make it easier on both of you, because it can help diffuse some of the tension that may come up when you try to talk about anything sexuality-related. Doing that, and making it clear that being able to be honest with her is important to you, can help her realize how important it is for her to be someone you can go to for support when it comes to sexuality, and who you can feel comfortable speaking your mind to without fear of being judged.

How does all of that sound to you, and aside from that, have you considered how you feel about what Sam asked before, about how you look during sex?