Confused about the ethics of reading real sex stories

[Asking Queries]

Hi everyone,

I’m confused: I like reading sex/sexual stories, but they are sometimes based off of or direct accounts of actual sex. I feel unsure about the ethics of this, specifically for the partner(s) who didn’t explicitly consent to the story being posted. I’m kinda scared of posting here and being judged for this.

In terms of direct harm to relationships, I don’t really see any, but something feels wrong. I think that it feels strange to have consent from one of the people, but not everyone, especially for such an intimate thing. I also feel unsure given that it’s also possible that the story is being misrepresented, and that there wasn’t consent at all (ie, it was sexual assault).
I feel trapped, because I really want to (not to say that I have to) enjoy sexual media, and reading stories feels like the least unethical way to do so, but I want it to be genuinely good, not just less bad.

I hope this makes sense, I wanted to post quickly before my anxiety entirely got to me.

- AQ

[Jacob]

Maybe some of this depends on context and/or the specifics, but I think it's usually not a consent issue, but with some caveats?

If there is identifying information in there, not cool.
If it's a sly attack on an ex-partner, because, say, you know they read your blog or whatever, also not cool.

Even with that I'd say the only thing that can be conveyed is the writer's memories or their creative response to those memories. If you're doing it right, we should assume that there's rather little of the other person "in there".

If the piece professes to be "the whole truth" I think that makes me a little uneasy, as then the reader doesn't get to attribute anything in the story to creative license or embelishment, which I think abdicates some responsibility on the author's part... like the least they can do is take some responsibility for the unilateral role their own hand has played in shaping the story of a thing they think they remember.

I don't feel like it's fair to say that consent of all the people involved in an even private event is necessary for a person to speak on, or describe their own lived experiences of that event.

If however, the liberty to speak on your own experiences, is being used in some sort of power play with an ex, or do something underhanded, I don't think that's ok. But that's only something the writer can know they're doing, as readers of any kind of media which may have been produced with any kind of ethics, we can only really know what information is actually available, and try and respond to any "off" feelings related to that piece/author.

Maybe when the vibes feel "off" there is something up with that particular piece. There are also other reasons why it might feel strange, or like something isn't right. Knowing part of a story is true but not having the whole picture can be disconcerting in itself. Likewise a piece of writing about sexual adventures can, in some cases, come across as really braggy, which can be of-putting too, and if somebody's attitudes come through in the piece, it may be that they have something predatory about them. Nothing you can necessarily outright point at as wrong, but offputting none-the-less.

So maybe there are some stylistic elements of these kinds of stories, or a sense of who the author is, that aren't sitting well with you either?