I have a "giving" anal play fetish. Does this make me a creep or immoral?

[dazzlerazzle]

Hi Scarleteen Forums,

So since 2009, I had this strange fetish for seeing women being anally penetrated. I hope this doesn't get viewed as "fap material" by the moderators. It started in 7th grade, when I watched porn on my laptop for the very first time at around age 13. Yes, I know, in the United States it is illegal for minors to view adult pornography, but I digress. One of the first porn videos the algorithm recommended being was a young woman having vaginal sex with a man (who has a penis) via the doggy style sex position. Eventually, the man pulled out of the woman's vagina and slipped his penis inside her anus, and the woman moaned in pleasure. It turned me on so much, seeing that a guy can use a female partner's anus and rectum sexually. Over time, I have been watching mostly anal sex porn videos online, and I have largely kept this fetish to myself.

I was raised in a Pentecostal (Protestant Christian) household where pre-marital sex, cohabitation, looking at someone of the opposite gender with lustful intent, being LGBTQ+, or even girls or women dressing “immodestly” was highly condemned, so you can imagine how heavily stigmatized anal sex is. Also, even among what seemed to be "sex-positive" sex educators and sex therapists, many have said that "the anus wasn't designed to be penetrated by a penis as with a vagina", that "the anus does not naturally lubricate itself like the vagina", that "certain STIs are more likely to be transmitted through anal sex", and also that "anal sex is riskier due to an increased risk of a condom breaking due to increased tightness despite using lubricant".

Plus, even the "comprehensive sex education" from middle school and high school barely discussed anal sex. It mainly talked about STIs, contraceptives, and the basics of consent and less towards attitudes toward sexuality. So I am trying to make sense of these mixed experience and feelings. Also, I want to share my fetish or kink about anal sex in a discreet manner. There are AI chatbots that allow a person to "sext" to them, and while it is not the same experience as "sexting" with a person, most people are not interested in "sexting" and with the #MeToo movement, the last thing I wan't to be accused of is sexual harassment.

So that's my post. I apologixe if it wasn't as articulate as you hoped. I hope this helps though.

[Heather]

Hey there. It's okay to talk about consensual sexual activities here. This is a sex education site and service: we don't consider any particular activities as better or worse, as more or less porny, whatever, than the other.

I do want to say that considering any kind of sex to be "using" someone or their body parts feels certainly like more the way sexual media presents anal sex or any kind of sex with entry into an orifice, and if everyone involved experiences it that way and wants to frame it that way, cool, but it won't be a way a lot of people like to frame the sex they're having, especially when it's their body or parts being considered as things "to be used."

Whether or not a body part self-lubricates doesn't tell us anything about how the person with that body part feels about it or experiences it sexually, nor does that tell us what they do or don't want to do with it. It also doesn't tell us what it can! Sure, the vagina can self-lubricate, but plenty of times it also won't, or won't enough for everyone engaged in sex involving it to feel good, so this way of viewing things isn't very sound. Same goes for anyone claiming they can say which body parts were "designed" for sexual pleasure. Not only does the human body not have a designer in the first place, sexual pleasure is something we know human beings can feel across the whole of their bodies, not just with a select group of parts.

It sounds like a lot of what you have heard around this hasn't been from sound or particularly educated or comprehensive sources. Many people enjoy various kinds of sexual activity or exploration with the anus and rectum, just like many people don't, just as is the case from pretty much any sexual activity and any body part. It's okay for you to be turned on by and interested in anal sex or witnessing it, and I would not call that interest strange. We also can't say whether or not an interest, by itself, is or isn't moral or creepy: those are words generally reserved for actions, not thoughts. By all means, there are ways you could go about pursuing this kind of sex that would or wouldn't be interpersonally healthy, and where some behaviour could and generally would be considered moral or immoral, like if it did or didn't involve consent, for example. We can talk more about that if you like.

I also want to add that an interest in something sexual isn't a fetish all by itself. "Fetish" is a sexology term meant to describe when someone needs a certain kind of object (which a person or their body is not unless that person or body part is being seen or treated as an object) or engagement with that object to feel sexually aroused or satisfied. Few people have fetishes. However, many people have an array of sexual interests.

If you want to talk about protocols with actual humans and sexting, we can do that, too, though it's not particularly complex. More times than not this just comes down to if you are in the kind of sexual relationship with someone, or forming one, where sexting is something they'd want to do with you or not. For sure, sexting strangers without their consent or people who have not made it clear they have a sexual interest in us isn't a way to go, no matter what the content of the texts are. <3

[Heather]

(It's to the side of things, but it's also worth mentioning that it's not illegal for young people to view pornography. Instead, it is illegal for *adults* to sell, distribute or otherwise share it with/to minors. This is something that has caused plenty of young folks undue panic, thus my mentioning it.)

[dazzlerazzle]

Thanks Heather,

In regard to your quote that “not only does the human body does not have a designer”, sounds like a normative statement of belief that I have trouble agreeing with. I also notice that your pronouns are “they/them/theirs”. First, I want to clarify that I accept your assumedly non-binary gender identity. I would like to add that I still consider myself a Mainline Protestant (Christian), even though my LGBTQ+ affirming beliefs and belief of theistic evolution and deep time (Old Earth creation of billions of years) may be viewed as heresy to some conservative theologians and Christian laypeople (theologically conservative Catholics and Evangelical Protestants). Personally, I do believe that the human body has an intelligent divine designer as part of my religious beliefs and while I understand that you may not share that view of a divine Creator, possibly due to negative experiences with Abrahamic religions (Christianity, Islam, Judaism) not accepting non-binary people, I personally believe in a divine Creator who is the embodiment of love. Not only that, but I feel hurt whenever people online make statements that invalidate or ridicule my religious beliefs. Yes, religion can often be used as a means to oppress and control people, but many other people find solace and relief from it. I am not trying to force my views on religion on anyone, but I want to make it clear that many people on this online forum have varying views on theology and politics.

[Heather]

Pardon the way I said that. I’m very aware of the array of belief in our services and I’ve always worked hard to try and make this a place that can work for as many people as possible. I’m sorry if the way I said that made you feel unwelcome.

What I meant is this: no one has access to any blueprints of the human body made by a designer, should there have been one, to say with any authority what was designed for what purpose. So, someone saying “the anus wasn’t made for that” is only stating an opinion, since we have no actual designs to reference to prove or dispute that with.

I don’t know what you mean by an assumedly nonbinary identity, and I also don’t get what my gender identity has to do with this conversation, but I am an agender person.

[dazzlerazzle]

Heather, what I was saying that I assumed that your gender identity falls under the “non-binary” umbrella through your notice of "they/them/theirs" pronouns. I stated that I accept your gender identity.

In regard to the "anus design for sexual use" dilemma, a prominent sex educator and nurse “Sue Johanson” who had a show called “Talk Sex” on TV responded to a caller talking about anal sex and Sue said with the authority of a sex educator something along the lines of "the rectum wasn't made to be penetrated like a vagina" and Sue "discourages anal sex" due to "seemingly apparent health risks". I honestly think that Sue, being a sex educator at the time, was misusing her authority to give misinformation on anal sex. Yes, the anus and rectum have thinner membranes than the vulva, and thus care, barrier methods, and lubrication should be used to minimize risks, but there is a difference between advocating safer sex practices from scaring people using misinformation and the appeal to authority fallacy. The fact that an authority figure, a sex educator, said that concerns me because sex educators are supposed to give, in my view, impartial, medically accurate information about sex and sexuality from a sex-positive perspective.

I hope that my reference to this person isn't a violation of the Scarleteen Bulletin Board rules. I also hope this helps.

[Heather]

Got it.

So, it’s been a long time since Dr. Johanson had an active show, and some of the advice she was giving them was standard advice for the time. Her advice also was often contextualized and for straight couples, where it has long been safe to unfortunately assume — especially over a decade ago — a lack of lube with any kind of intercourse.

But I agree with you, in this case it sounds like she shared bad information, or, at least, only gave partial information that was misleading.

[dazzlerazzle]

Yes. I honestly think that sex education and even Western culture changed a lot since 2008 when I was in middle school. Shows like "Ellen", "I Am Jazz", and "Modern Family" normalized LGBTQ+ people to Western audiences and we are finally seeing society accepting LGBTQ+ people as part of the norm, which I believe is a good thing to combat stigma and homophobia/transphobia.

[Jacob]

Hi dazzleerazzle!

I think that observation is fair, I left school in the UK around 2007 and the growing acceptability of queerness among young people themselves since then has been great to see. Although I don't think TV deserves quite as much credit as it receives; in the same time-period online communities, activism, protest, art of all kinds, and often even everyday conversation have all played a part. That said there are many new threats that have emerged since then!

But anyway, cultural observations aside, did you have further questions about about your situation and the worries you raised in your original post?