Scared I'm not going to pleasure my partner

[rainysky]

So a friend and I recently agreed to try having sex again after a while. The last time we tried it was terrible and underwhelming. I'm scared it's going to be like that again despite having taken measures to change how we will do it (this time we'll put safety mechanisms into practice so that I'm not scared of doing something he doesn't like). I'm not sure how to handle this. I really want to do this and I'm super excited but the idea of it being so underwhelming again is scary to me. Any tips?

[KierC]

Hey there Rainsky,

I’m sorry to hear that having sex with him was a bad experience. Can you say a little more about what felt so terrible and underwhelming about it?

It sounds like you are worried about doing something he doesn’t like. You know, sex is more of an exploration, not much a skill that you Must Do Correctly. It’s okay to try something with your partner’s consent, and then stop if they tell you it doesn’t feel good. It doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong; after all, how would anyone know what kind of touches feel good unless they do a little trial-and-error first? Trying something new, noticing that it doesn’t feel good, and making the necessary changes is something that healthy partners do. On top of that, it sounds like you’re considering the consent of the situation, and are putting safety measures in place to ensure you’re both consenting and having a good time.

I have tips (in the form of articles)! These are related to some questions and related topics in your post, and if you go through them and have more questions or ideas, feel free to let us know.

1. Navigating Consent: This article has some tips on safety measures you can put in place!
2. Sex Goddess Blues: Building Confidence, Busting Perfectionism: This is a really helpful article for times when you’re worried about being a bad partner or doing something that ends up not feeling amazing.
3. Be A Blabbermouth! The Whys, Whats, and How’s of Talking About Sex With A Partner

How does all that sound?

[rainysky]

What felt so terrible and underwhelming is that it was just ne asking what he wanted. He disliked that and got annoyed, so I just cintinued doing what I felt like for a short amount of time. It was quick and boring.

I know sex isn't something you must do correctly, but I am just scared that during the exploration I will mess something up.

Thanks for the articles, they look very promising.

[Latha]

Hi Rainysky,

I'm going to be honest, getting annoyed doesn't seem like the best response on the part of your friend. Patience and the ability to communicate your needs are two very important skills in life. If he had preferred to discuss what he was interested in trying before you started having sex, he should have told you. But he can't expect you to just know what he wants without communication.

If I may ask, do you feel like your friend took the time to understand what you wanted — was he interested in your pleasure? Also, what does 'messing up' mean to you — are you afraid that you will hurt your friend? If you mess up, what do you think will happen?