Confused About Insensitivity (long and detailed)

[saph]

I'm AFAB, a virgin, and recently tried some exploration for the first time with my first boyfriend. But I'm kind of confused about several things.

At the start he tried stimulating several erogenous zones with his hands and they all gave a "neutral" feeling (not good or bad, just sensations that I felt) but I really liked it and wanted him to keep doing them so I don't know if this was "emotional arousal" (if that's even a thing in this context), or if I was being physically aroused and just didn't know it. Without touching it, my vulva didn't really feel any wetter but I wasn't sure.

The only thing that seemed to get an actual reaction from me was when he flicked my clit really hard and fast, and while it felt good (made me let out a lot of sounds and judging from the...squelchy sounds I was physically aroused), it felt good but in such an intense and pointed way that I kinda wished it was...a more gentler pleasure? But when he tried slowing down/lighter touching it just went back to a neutral feeling. He also said that doing it that fast usually overstimulates people.

It also didn't really feel like I was building up to something like an orgasm, but there were times where I had him stop flicking for a few seconds then start again. Finally I felt like we could take a longer break and was "satisfied," but I still don't think I really had an orgasm (or maybe I did and just didn't know it). Then, my body wasn't necessarily craving any more sensation, but I still wanted to do more, hence it just being a break. So again, I don't know if that's "emotional arousal" or what.

Another day we tried again and after I was well-lubricated from the flicking he tried inserting a finger, and again it gave a neutral feeling. We didn't do it for long at all, because I had to leave soon, but he tried a very small amount of thrusting and curling at different spots and it just felt weird at the most. I could kind of feel a positive sensation at my clit but it was ridiculously faint. I looked at a diagram later and apparently that positive feeling was at my A-spot rather than G-spot which didn't make any sense to me sense the G-spot is where the clit is, yet his curling there felt neutral.

My bf seemed to take this all in stride and suggested I might just be insensitive and take a really long time to get off like him.

I masturbate but it's probably not very efficient because I've always been too scared to try new things with it. I basically only grind the heel of my hand against my clothed clit really hard and that gives the same sensation where it's good and gets to a point where I'm satisfied and don't want to do it anymore, but I wouldn't describe the sensation as "building up" or an orgasm. I also masturbate kinda spontaneously and it's not preceded by arousal, emotional or physical (started doing it as a really young kid).

I actually kind of masturbate pretty often and because of the pressure I wonder if I somehow made myself insensitive? For a very long time in my teen years I also thought I was asexual, so I don't know if that's another possibility.

[Latha]

Hi Saph, welcome to the boards!

So, it sounds like you've been having some trouble understanding arousal and feeling pleasure during sex. I'm glad you've asked about this! Don't worry, these kinds of issues are actually pretty common. It might take some discussion and trial and error, but we should be able to find some ways to help you feel more pleasure. To start, I'll cover some simpler answers, and then I have a few questions:

• I think it is unlikely that your masturbation style could have caused any significant/long-term insensitivity. The friction from masturbation can make things feel less sensitive in the moment, but that goes away on its own if you give it time.

• I would think of emotional arousal as the feeling of wanting/being interested in sex, and feeling emotionally good about sex when it is happening. I think this matches your experiences, so we can assume that you are emotionally aroused. The fact that you have a sense of what you do enjoy is good news, and it will help with the rest of this process.

• Everyone's body is different — just because some people experience pleasure from G spot stimulation doesn't mean that you are strange if you don't.

• On this note, while it is okay to want to learn about your body and experience more pleasure during sex, I wouldn't think of how your body responds now as wrong or bad in any way.

When people describe struggling to feel pleasure during partnered sex, it is often helpful to start with that feels good during masturbation. But you've mentioned that you've felt scared to try new things when you masturbate. Would you feel comfortable talking about this fear? Also, what are you thoughts on exploring fantasies or sexual media? They can be a great way to develop arousal.

If you feel up to it, would you go through this article on the sexual response cycle? I think it is a good framework to keep in mind for this discussion. It also contains a discussion on what orgasms can feel like (tl;dr: they don't have to feel especially strong, but they do usually feel like a release after a build up of tension.)

[saph]

[quote=Latha post_id=75992 time=1735304105 user_id=11746]
Hi Saph, welcome to the boards!

So, it sounds like you've been having some trouble understanding arousal and feeling pleasure during sex. I'm glad you've asked about this! Don't worry, these kinds of issues are actually pretty common. It might take some discussion and trial and error, but we should be able to find some ways to help you feel more pleasure. To start, I'll cover some simpler answers, and then I have a few questions:
[list]I think it is unlikely that your masturbation style could have caused any significant/long-term insensitivity. The friction from masturbation can make things feel less sensitive in the moment, but that goes away on its own if you give it time. [/list]
[list]I would think of emotional arousal as the feeling of wanting/being interested in sex, and feeling emotionally good about sex when it is happening. I think this matches your experiences, so we can assume that you are emotionally aroused. The fact that you have a sense of what you do enjoy is good news, and it will help with the rest of this process. [/list]
[list]Everyone's body is different — just because some people experience pleasure from G spot stimulation doesn't mean that you are strange if you don't. [/list]
[list]On this note, while it is okay to want to learn about your body and experience more pleasure during sex, I wouldn't think of how your body responds now as wrong or bad in any way. [/list]

When people describe struggling to feel pleasure during partnered sex, it is often helpful to start with that feels good during masturbation. But you've mentioned that you've felt scared to try new things when you masturbate. Would you feel comfortable talking about this fear? Also, what are you thoughts on exploring fantasies or sexual media? They can be a great way to develop arousal.

If you feel up to it, would you go through [url=https://www.scarleteen.com/read/sex-sex ... sers-guide]this article[/url] on the sexual response cycle? I think it is a good framework to keep in mind for this discussion. It also contains a discussion on what orgasms can feel like (tl;dr: they don't have to feel especially strong, but they do usually feel like a release after a build up of tension.)
[/quote]

Well, by "scared" I meant more of a mild sense of shame. I was raised conservative christian so I always felt awkward exploring myself (also there's a lack of fool-proof privacy in my house).

However I have been trying to test things a little bit lately to try and understand what's going on, which also reminded me I could ask here. So far clit stimulation has still been the most consistent thing and I think the "pointed, intense" feel is just how pleasure feels to me.

I'm not completely sure but after analyzing more of my feelings I think there is a build up and release of tension too. My lower body also started really spasming once which as I understand is a sign of orgasm? I also had this weird feeling in which it felt like two nerves in each of my legs all the way to my toes were....I guess my electrified? Which is also a sensation I heard about that's related to orgasms.

In regards to sexual media, I have looked at short porn before but I don't think it really does anything to me? Like, when I do watch it (just pretty "vanilla" stuff) I think I do get somewhat physically aroused (wetness) but I never really feel like doing anything about it and when I try to anyway while watching, the media I'm watching doesn't really seem to enhance anything or make me emotionally aroused. I'd rather just finish watching the video or maybe I'm just bad at multitasking like that lmao.

[KierC]

Hey there Saph,

I hear you that you’ve felt a bit of shame around masturbation. I am glad you’re identifying the sources of the messages that make you feel uncomfortable with exploring, because that’s often the first step to overcoming sexual shame while exploring! You can read more about overcoming sexual shame here, if that’s something you’d like to do: Undoing Sexual Shame. It sounds like you have some concerns about privacy at home, too. This article is wonderful for that, and gives some really practical tips on managing privacy with noise reduction and stuff at home: Deep Cover: Tips For Managing Anxiety Or Privacy Concerns When Masturbating At Home.

It also sounds like, while exploring and reflecting on how you’ve felt masturbating, you’ve had some feelings that folks experience during orgasm, but I hear you that sometimes it feels neutral. It’s okay if the feeling is a bit underwhelming sometimes; not every orgasm feels the same, and sometimes it can feel less overwhelming, especially if other factors are involved like stress or privacy concerns. In the same way, if you can set up a pleasurable context and environment before starting exploration or any sexual activity, making sure you’re in a suitable headspace for pleasure, it may be easier to feel heightened sensation during masturbation. How does that sound to you?

It sounds like visual media may not be the most arousing. That’s okay! In thinking about what might help you feel a bit more pleasurable, it might help to consider what sensations or things bring you pleasure in a non-sexual way. Are there things you enjoy, that bring you pleasure, like sensations or activities that feel good to you, that might give you ideas of what to explore, or even what pleasure feels like in your body? This article on pleasure can help orient you, too, if it’s hard to think of something. I Feel Good: Pleasure and Fulfillment.