Unsure/ scared of getting fingered or having sex.

[Artistic_doggo]

I'm ftm I'm 16 and have been trans since 3rd grade. I'm on testosterone and have like a really high sex drive and usually masturbate 4 times a day. I have a boyfriend I've been dating for almost 3 months now. He's cis but respects me a lot. My adoptive parents like him a lot and he's the guy I want to end up having a kid with, but at the same time I'm scared to be sexually touched, I don't know for sure, 2 years ago I was in a really bad relationship where my sexual boundaries weren't respected and my boyfriend has been through the same thing. I'm okay with pleasuring other people but when it comes to someone doing something towards me I get awkward and try to switch the topic, I want to be sexually active with my boyfriend, I want to have thoes experiences with him but I'm scared, but also excited. We've had phone sex and our safe word is Fanta but it's just awkward between us if it's in person.

[CaitlinEve]

Hi Artistic_doggo, welcome to Scarleteen!

Rest assured, the situation you're in is not uncommon. I want to start by saying that I'm glad you and your boyfriend have good communication regarding sex and boundaries, especially considering both of your pasts. That being said; awkward, though frustrating, isn't bad! Honestly, sex and intimacy will often be awkward until it just 'clicks'; it may take a few minutes for some or multiple experiences/sessions for others! Awkwardness doesn't mean you are doing it wrong or are incompatible; it just means some things may need to be tweaked.

I recommend checking out this article about the physical effects trauma can have, as well as this article (particularly the second half!) about getting comfortable with sexual intimacy.

Is there anything specific we can do for you to help; we can find more articles and resources for you or just be a place to lend a listening ear. Let us know!