Problems with pleasure

[Ronny]

I've never been able to feel good by fingering myself, i feel nothing when I do it and I want it to feel good but I just feel nothing. I really only feel good if I am (this is embarrassing to type but) playing with my clit. Is it just a body thing or could I be doing something wrong?

[Heather]

Hi there, Ronny.

So, if by fingering, you mean inserting fingers into the vagina, then no, it's not surprising that this doesn't feel exciting to you. I am assuming when you say you feel nothing, you don't actually feel nothing, it just doesn't feel like you expect it to.

The thing is that anatomically, the vagina, all by itself, isn't particularly rich with sensory nerve endings, the nerve endings other, much more sensitive parts of the body -- like the external portions of your clitoris -- possess. Most of the sensation people feel in the vagina is actually more due to the parts of the clitoris inside the body than the vagina itself. And in order for that to feel like anything, it tends to require a lot of pressure and very specific targeting of some places inside the vagina, both of which are pretty difficult to do with only your own fingers. Things like toys designed for this use and a partner's hands (they can get better leverage) tend to feel more compelling to people for this reason.

There's no one right body part or set of body parts to have feel good, there's only the unique ways we all experience things in our unique bodies. But the idea the vagina is where all the action is at is based in very old and misinformed ideas about anatomy and probably a whole lot of wishful thinking on the part of some people with penises way back when (and sometimes still now) who are more interested in their partner's bodies for their own pleasure than what actually feels best for their partners.

For more on this, this article is a really good place to start: With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body.

Do you want to talk a little bit about why you feel worried about this?

[Ronny]

Thank you, I really appreciate this. I suppose the only thing I'm worried about is possibly hurting myself because I'm not sure what to do haha. Again I appreciate your reply

[Heather]

So, so long as you trim your nails and wash your hands first, if what you are doing feels good (or doesn't hurt), you really don't have to worry about hurting yourself.

What to do is really all just about exploring and experimenting to find out what it is that does and doesn't feel good to you.

For some more basics about this, this piece might come in handy: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/sex-sex ... sturbation