It hurts when I try to finger myself

[Isnou_coco]

Hey, I really hope a professional maybe can see this and give me advices. I turned 15 not long ago and, I’ve been masturbating for years now. The thing is that, I just use a pillow/plushie most of the time. I’ve been t trying to finger myself since maybe last year ? I don’t remember. The issue is that, when i try to finger myself I always feel sort of grossed out ? Like not in a literal way but I’m really sorry of embarrassed, I have no idea how to explain it. I always try to stimulate myself by stroking my clit but I feel nothing special, just my finger touching it. And when I try to insert a finger, it feels rough and swollen and I can’t go deep at all. It hurts and sort of burns. I don’t know how to explain that feeling but I don’t like it. Can anyone tell me what I’m doing wrong please ?

[HannahP]

Hi Isnou_coco! Welcome to our boards!

The first thing I want to say is that you're not doing anything wrong. In fact, it's very common for people to masturbate the way you describe (by rubbing against something soft) and never insert their fingers or anything else inside them at all! Different people have different preferences, but in general, many people with vulvas find that stimulating the outside is more pleasurable that inserting things inside. And plenty of people prefer the more gentle and diffuse feeling of rubbing against something than being touched directly.

I'd like you to read this article, which might help reframe this as just helpful information to have about how your body works, rather than something "wrong": Ask not what your body can do for you, but what you can do for your body!

I hope you'll see that the best way for you to masturbate is whatever way feels good for you and there's no need to do anything that doesn't feel good. But if you're curious about inserting your fingers or touching your clitoris with your fingers, there are some things you could experiment with to see if they feel better! Would you like to talk about that or would you prefer to stick with what you already know you like?

[Isnou_coco]

Well I really would like to try because I am afraid that once I get a partner we won’t be able to have any sexual relations because of that and I’m scared I might be to tight or something like that

[Jacob]

Hi Isnou,

When it comes to having a partner it can be most helpful to discuss anything you do sexually before it happens. Nothing about sex should be painful, and we'd want a future partner to stop straight away if something was painful, and experiment with you around what feels good.

Starting with what already feels good is probably the best advice for experimenting alone or with someone else, and that includes what feels good emotionally. I'd say if your main motivator is fear or anxiety around a future interaction that is going to make it difficult to enjoy yourself, and is likely to make your body tense up too, whereas putting your pleasure first is going to make it a lot easier to learn more about your body.

Is that future-partner-fear your main reason, or are you thinking about your own pleasure too? And if you needed to, do you think you'd be able to talk to a partner about what does and doesn't feel good for you? Or is that something you think you could work towards.

[Isnou_coco]

I think that the "future-partner-fear" is my main reason i guess ? Because whenever i really seek pleasure, i just grind against a pillow/plush and i dont thunk much of t even tho i do feel gross when i am done. The only reason i try to finger is because im scared i might be too tight for penetration someday.

[Heather]

So, that's just not how any of this works, exactly.

What having experience with any kind of sex does doesn't change our bodies, it changes -- if and when it does -- things like how comfortable we feel with something, and what we know about what feels good and doesn't to us in a really general way. No one is setting themselves up for failure by not doing a sexual activity now that they might want later, especially if the only reason they are trying to do something sexually is for some abstract future person instead of for themselves because it feels good now. Do you get what I mean?

In fact, if what you are doing hurts and you keep doing it, what you can actually do is develop- an association between that kind of activity and experiencing pain which CAN actually set you up for failure because it makes it much more likely that that will be painful for you. So, if you're not experimenting with this for yourself, because it feels good, but because you think you have to for some person in the future you haven't even met, my best advice is that you stop doing this and instead only do what you want and like for yourself, now, that feels good. <3