Is it ok to have sex with older people?

[justherenow]

Hi, it's very late here so forgive me if there are spelling mistakes or things don't make sense. I'm 22 years old and I want more sexual experience. I decided to make an online profile and the main group of people who have any interest in me are over 10 years older than I am. I will admit, I have a bit of a fetish for older folk and I will say that the people I've spoken to are very respectful of my boundaries and are kind. I also wanna say that things are strictly casual and I'm not willing to pursue anything serious.

However, I know age gaps are a common issue and I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I feel like I'm being gross. I can't tell my siblings because they'll shame me for even giving them the time of day and I don't have many friends. I just want some reassurance and if it's really okay for me to do anything.

[Latha]

Hello Justherenow, welcome to the boards! Don’t worry, your post makes sense.

I’m sorry you feel like you can’t talk to anyone about this! I know the discussions around this subject can be a bit fraught. Let me assure you, it is okay to have sex with people who are older than you. You are not being gross or doing anything wrong. What you are doing is exploring a consensual relationship. It’s true that age gaps can sometimes come with a power dynamic that is unhealthy, but that doesn’t mean all age-disparate relationships are negative.

(It wasn’t wrong for you to use the word, but I want to note that a fetish technically refers to an object that someone needs in order to feel sexual arousal. Having a fetish isn’t bad, but I would think of your situation more as an interest or preference.)

[Heather]

I do want to add something here for you, justherenow.

If we can't talk to ANYONE about our dating relationships, that can get in the way of our safety and well-being. I'm also always a little concerned when younger queer people's only queer community are older people they're dating, because it can just make it awfully easy to feel like you have to be sexual with people to have community and to just get isolated in these relationships. We all need sounding boards for our intimate relationships for a whole bunch of important reasons.

Since it sounds like you're using apps to date, have you considered also using them to try and find more queer community and some new friends, maybe the kind of friends you would feel comfortable talking honestly to about our dating life?