First time

[Marsalin]

Me and my partner have been together for almost 4 month now and have known each other for almost two years and we seems interested in taking things to a sexual level, at least the last time we talked about it. We both want to do it some place where we know we have privacy and nobody suspects what we are doing which is a problem. Their parents don’t know that we are dating and wouldn’t be accepting of our relationship. My parents do know and are ok with us taking then next step, however one of them is bedridden and is always home because of it. Both of us also want to have our first time in a place that’s not new to us. There is also the issue that they are 17 and I’m 18. It’s within consent laws in Canada where we are but I still feel bad about it. Do you have any suggestions?

[CaitlinEve]

Hi Marsalin!

First, I'm glad to hear that you and your partner have been communicating clearly about your relationship and taking things to the next level! The situation you're in sounds really tough. I would recommend not doing it in your partner's house, because the potential to be caught by people who aren't accepting of your relationship could be dangerous. But I totally understand the awkwardness of having a sexual encounter in a house where one or both of your parents are. Do either of you have a car? Maybe you could find time and a safe, private space to park. Or, if you had the money and time, maybe you could look into checking into a motel or hotel for a few hours. You could also look into noise-canceling items if you were to want to try in your house. It definitely helps that your parents are okay with you taking the next step!

As for the age of consent, it's good that your ages are within consent law in Canada but it's also understandable that you feel bad and/or uncomfortable with being the older partner/a legal adult. That's not an uncommon feeling for the older partner to have, especially in that awkward time period before your partner is also of the age of majority. Have you spoken to your partner about your concerns and feelings regarding this?

[Marsalin]

Neither of us have a car and I suggest a motel but they are not comfortable with that. I might look into the noise cancelling stuff but it would still feel wrong to do it with other people in the house. Also both of us are planing to go to university in our city and both of us are staying at our parents place for likely the entire duration so that’s also not an option.

As for the age thing I’m glad to hear it’s normal. I just know about how often people get in trouble for doing stuff like that if they are a part of American communities especially because those laws seem to be the laws of the world sometimes. I will talk with them about it though. Looking like we won’t be able to do anything for years though unfortunately.

[CaitlinEve]

That's frustrating, I'm sorry to hear about all the hurdles you're having to deal with. Is there ever a time when your parent has an appointment that you could have the house to yourself? Or perhaps you could save up for a weekend trip somewhere; take a train or bus to a city and stay for a day or two, that way the trip isn't just about sex. Do you think that would make your partner more comfortable with the idea of a motel/hotel?

[Marsalin]

The trip might be an idea. We would have to wait till their 18 because of hotel laws though and that’s still a ways off but it’s an option. The appointment thing wouldn’t really work between school and them living over an hour away by bus. Thanks for the advice.

[Jacob]

It sounds like waiting might actually be the best bet for you at the moment, Marsalin!

I definitely wouldn't recommend pursuing the hotel thing any further - but it sounds like you've already made that decision and it sounds like waiting until they're 18 is very much on the table for you which is great to hear.

If you were really intent on this I would worry that, as their legal guardians, your partner's parents do have a lot of power over them, so there is a real risk here that, given you already believe they'd be disapproving, sneaking around too much could lead to escalations and things blowing up in some way or other.

From what you're saying, I'm hearing that although you guys are interested in doing more together sexually, the conditions just don't exist right now for you both to be comfortable with all that that may entail around your families, and how your lives are currently set up. That's okay! You can let both things be true, and sometimes a bit of patience in the face of realistic risks, especially when you know that the situation will soon be different, can be another way to show care.

[Marsalin]

Yeah. We want it to be a good experience for both of us and having that risk will make it not nearly as enjoyable. I was never even thinking about hotel stuff for before they where 18. It was brought up as an when we are able, not a as soon as possible think. We will wait till we are both ready, I just figured it would be good to get some advice

[HannahP]

Hi Marsalin! I think it's very wise to wait until you have a space that you'll feel fully comfortable in. But I know how frustrating it can be to have to wait due to external obstacles.

Maybe one way to approach this is to accept that some potential sexual activities are off the table for now and start a conversation with your partner about what kinds of sexual or intimate activities you would feel comfortable doing in the spaces you have available. You could think about what feelings you're hoping that being sexual together will give you and what alternative activities could give you similar feelings.

If you're interested in talking with your partner about this, I think these two articles could be helpful:
Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist has a big list of sexual activities, including a section on Non-Physical ones. This could also be a great tool for helping you and your partner figure out what your boundaries are for now — instead of "yes/no/maybe" you could have a "now/never/later" kind of conversation and talk about what things you want to do in the future when you have the space for it.

Intimacy: The Whys, Hows, How-Nots, and So-Nots is not about sex specifically, but it has a beautiful list of ways to share intimacy with a partner in both sexual/physical and nonsexual/nonphysical ways. If what you're really craving is to feel closer and more intimate with your partner through sex, maybe some other forms of intimacy can help you feel that way even while you're waiting.

[Marsalin]

Thanks. I did a quick read though and these could be vary helpful. I shared the resources with them.

[HannahP]

I'm so glad to hear it!