porn addiction

[E.rara134]

(I hope I'm doing this right, sorry if this is the wrong category) I discovered ph around 9-10 years old, it was funny at the time because of what it was, and I was never aroused by it. Around 11 was the time when I attempted to masturbate to it. Being in middle school, my brain thought it was completely normal, I knew a lot of other kids watched porn and it would just be a phase that I grow out of when I got a consenting partner, yk. Turns out I was wrong (obviously) after the first time I successfully masturbated to porn(orgasmed) at 12, I quickly got addicted and didn't even realize it. Ever since then it's been crippling. Every day I would go onto ph. I couldn't stop. I tried to think about things that turned me on but nothing worked. Unless I'm actively watching, I can't even get aroused. I've had a girlfriend who I did things with, I was mildly turned on but I couldn't climax at all, even though it felt good. It's gotten worse for sure. I though reaching out to a friend would help me but it did nothing. I've gotten a tracking app to stay clean and after a month I deleted it. I feel disgusting but I literally can't get aroused unless its infront of me.

[char]

Hi E.rara134, welcome to the boards! And no, you're not doing this wrong; this is the right category.

First of all, I'd like to let you know that "addiction" isn't the framework that's typically used when discussing usage of and interaction with porn. We have an advice column discussing this in detail a few years ago, which is still relevant to this day - Are we addicted to sex?, and looking up "porn addiction" here on the boards can provide you more information about this from other volunteers.

That being said, it is possible for sexual behaviors to become compulsive; quoting Heather from another post, sexual compulsivity can look like "people doing sexual things, like looking at sexual media or having sex with partners, that they feel compelled to do, that they can't seem to stop themselves from doing, but that they don't always -- or sometimes even ever -- want to do, or want to do the way they are." Maybe this is something you are experiencing too.

Otherwise, what kind of help would you like from us about this?

[E.rara134]

But the thing I like watching sexual media, it obviously turns me on, and I almost crave watching it. At the same time I want to stop engaging in it because I can't masturbate without it. I currently have a partner and they do turn me on but not to the point where I can reach any kind of climax. Pornography has totally fried my brain and I just need help 'quitting'.

[maille]

Hey E.rara134!

Quick question- Do you feel like watching porn interrupts other parts of your daily life?

[E.rara134]

Yes, in a way. I think about it and look forward to doing it. I also watch it in moments when I should be doing something else like chores or work. I'm also afraid in the future it'll interrupt my relationship. As of now it's long distance but I don't plan for that to be permanent.

[Andy]

Hi there, E.rara134!

What I hear from your replies that it is not exactly watching porn that is the issue for you but rather watching it when you need to do something else and being worried you can’t orgasm without it. Do I have that right?

If so, I think keeping trying to stop watching it altogether would not only be really hard but also not really necessary and kind to yourself. A lot of, I even dare say most, people have some specific way of stimulation, physical/mental/visual that works the best for them. But that doesn’t mean they can’t experiment or enjoy other things, which can also lead to discovering something else that works great for you!

When you say you are worried how this would affect your relationship, could you describe more about what specifically are you worried about?

How can we best help you moving forward? Would you like to talk about strategies how to make watching porn something you enjoy and feel more in control of?

[E.rara134]

I'm worried my partner will ever be able to make me orgasm given the chance, and I can't reach orgasm when I think about her. I want to be able to reach orgasm without watching porn but I just can't. I want to quit porn completely, and quitting is hard because I'm often horny and I can't 'get off' without it.

[Latha]

Hi there, E.rara134

If you don't want to watch pornography--if it doesn't feel right for you and isn't in line with how you want to be sexual--you don't have to do it. There is nothing wrong with deciding to quit watching pornography. We're all for people choosing to be sexual in ways that are consistent with their values and make them feel good, so we'd love to advise on this in any way we can.

The thing is, when something makes you feel ashamed and feels good, as watching pornography does for you here, we've often found that just trying to make yourself quit doesn't work all too well. It is hard, and that is because the problem isn't your willpower--it is more complicated than that.

You've described the sense that your urge to watch pornography feels feels uncontrollable. That nothing else seems to turn you on, and that you can't seem to stop doing it everyday. As Char noted, this sounds a lot like what we think of as compulsive behavior with sex.

Something we know about compulsions is that they can be strengthened by negative emotions like shame and guilt. This is because trying not to think about something is actually very difficult, and because you can only feel bad about something for so long before you need relief--conveniently, masturbating with pornography is a straightforward way to feel good in the moment.

This cycle of feeling guilty and then 'giving in' takes up a lot of energy, even when it isn't obvious. That's why, as Andy discussed, we often try to suggest being kind to yourself, and to think of learning to be sexual in different ways as a process of discovery rather than one of restriction and self-control.

From what we have seen, when people want to change what makes them feel aroused or how they experience sex, the approach that works best is to treat your current method as neutral or good while exploring other methods. This exploration can't be motivated by the pressure to fix yourself--that just puts you in the cycle again. It has to come from a positive motivation, like open curiosity or excitement to find other ways in which you can feel pleasure.

To that end, it might help more to slowly practice relying more on your imagination and staying more present with yourself during masturbation rather than focusing on a screen. Use what turns you on right now as inspiration, and as a point of reference for discovering other activities that make you feel good.

If it is at all reassuring, I do want to say that other people have been in your position, and they've gone on to have fulfilling sexual relationships with their partners.

How does this sound to you? If you have questions about how you might go about this or other concerns, we'd be happy to help.

[E.rara134]

I think this is a good start for me, thank you so much!

[Latha]

I'm glad it helped--good luck!