Miscommunication

[MusicNerd]

Not sure what to label this, but I’m dealing with some awkwardness with a friend and IDK how to handle it.

Long story short, a while ago she told me about a situation where she said she wasn’t sure whether or not someone did something that was actually non-consensual, but that she felt upset by it since it reminded her of something she experienced with an ex.

From the way she initially described her situation, it seemed like there was a misunderstanding between her and this partner, so I asked if she talked with this person about this kind of activity before/maybe there was a miscommunication. But then as she gave more info about the situation, it totally changed what I thought and I was like, “Oh yikes, this is different from what I first thought”; and she admitted that her therapist says she makes excuses for people when they do crappy things (which, in hindsight, it seems that’s what happened when she was initially telling me about this person).

So then a couple weeks later, she told me I invalidated her feelings by saying something like “it’s okay if they crossed your boundaries if they were a long-term partner”, which I would never ever say, but at the same time I didn’t want to invalidate her feelings; So I basically said that that’s not what I was saying, but that I’m sorry if anything I said ever came off that way and that I’ll be more mindful in the future.

But really, now I’m just like… IDK what to even do, since I very much am not a trauma counselor, and I don’t want to invalidate my friend’s feelings (especially as a trauma survivor myself), but I also know I would not say or think anything like the above quote, and I also don’t want to potentially hurt my friend again going forward. IDK, I’m just not sure what to do.

[Sam W]

Hi MusicNerd,

I think you've already done one of the big steps, which is clarifying what you mean and apologizing to her for how it came across. When you two had that second conversation where you apologized, how did she react? Do you feel like you two came to some kind of resolution, or like things are still awkward or tense between you because of this?

[MusicNerd]

Hey Sam,

Thanks for responding! Tbh it seems like she wasn’t totally convinced of what I was saying in our second conversation, so I think there could be some awkwardness there.

[Latha]

Hi there, MusicNerd!

Oof, this is a delicate situation. Since things still feel awkward, how do you feel about having another conversation with her- you can ask her if she's uncomfortable, and reassure her that you did not mean to hurt her.