boyfriend has a crush on our friend

[froggymayhem]

hi all! so I’ve been with my partner a few years now, and we’ve been living together for the last year or so. it’s been a little bumpy (we’re both dealing with depression etc and are in therapy/taking medications for this, separately), but I could never doubt that we both genuinely love each other. I’ve noticed in the last week that he’s been keeping a little more distance than usual, and tried to think nothing of it, because sometimes we just need space and that’s alright. But I did a little snooping (I shouldn’t have, and I’m waiting for a chance to tell him to change passwords), turns out he has a crush on a friend of ours. They’ve known each other longer, but had some years of no contact just because of young teenage drama, all that. They hang out in online spaces with some of our other friends, and I suppose old feelings have resurfaced for him. He hasn’t acted on anything, hasn’t told them, and has actually reached out to another mutual friend of ours (who has always been supportive of our relationship), and though I haven’t seen the details, I can see the physical anxiety he’s harboring over this. I want to be here to support him, while also conserving our relationship, of course, because I love him more than anything. Crushes are pretty natural and normal, but it still stings a little bit to think about what he likes in this friend more than me, or if it really is just a harmless crush brought on by proximity because of such an active little friend group. I don’t know, I don’t want to excessively worry about something that hasn’t happened - and I KNOW he wouldn’t cheat. But it still doesn’t feel good, of course. I’ve been wanting us to go to couples therapy regardless, for depression etc, so now seems like the time to bring it up and go for it, maybe. Just a lot of feelings

[Willa]

Hi Froggymayhem,

I am not sure of the boundaries of your relationship but from your post it seems like you understand that looking through your partners personal belongings like their phone is a violation of trust and a generally not ok thing to do. As you said in your message crushes are natural and normal, and now it is really your responsibility to process that information you learned without your boyfriend's consent rather than to put the onus of responsibility on him to reassure you or regulate your emotions. What source or worry or anxiety lead to snooping rather than communication with your partner?

Did you ask about his changes in behavior initially? The best course is most often being honest with your partner about when these occurrences spike our anxiety responses and opening communication before our anxiety makes us act in irrational ways- especially in an instance such as this when you both seem to be feeling anxious and upset. Does that all make sense?