uncertainty & making a move

Questions and discussions about relationships: girlfriends, boyfriends, lovers, partners, friends, family or other intimate relationships in your lives.
Lyle Lanley
not a newbie
Posts: 70
Joined: Thu Mar 11, 2021 8:19 am
Age: 17
Pronouns: any
Sexual identity: genderqueer bisexual butch
Location: italy

uncertainty & making a move

Unread post by Lyle Lanley »

hi scarleteam, here's the sitch. i have crushes on two people at once.

one is this girl who i met a few weeks ago (i'll call her F) and we instantly "clicked" in a way? i managed to cuddle with her while watching a movie, we held hands and she did the thumb rub thing, i've kissed her forehead very awkwardly with her consent. the few times we hung out, i checked her pupils and they were very dilated. but a mutual friend of ours told me that F just bonds quickly and is very affectionate with everyone, so i don't know. she has also talked to me about her past relationships and mentioned this one girl who moved too fast and rushed her into kissing and having sex, so now i'm also scared that i may come across as this to her if i flirted more.

same goes with this guy from another city (let's call him M). although we haven't talked in over a year, we follow each other on social media. when i met him, i was still in a long-distance relationship i've recently gotten out of, and so i repressed my feelings for M. but our mothers are friends, so we've heard about each other from our mothers. M has told his mother that i'm the smartest [girl] he knows (i plan on coming out to him and/or explaining how i feel about my gender). and the time we met and talked we also "instantly clicked", we talked all evening long and he smiled and complimented me. we'll meet again next week as i'll go visit his city.
but this whole thing makes me scared that he's already been dating or at least is interested in someone from where he is.

so, i'm now uncertain about acting up on any of these feelings, on what to do first, etc.
with F, the issue is mostly me and misinterpreting potential signals or lack thereof, i don't feel there's any problem with what she thinks of me outside of a potential friendzone.
with M, it's another thing. i don't know if it'd be okay if one of these days i send him a DM on instagram like "hey, do you know that i'll be in (his city) in the next few days?"
with both i'm scared of making a move and them rejecting me. what should i do?
CaitlinEve
scarleteen staff/volunteer
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Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2024 2:54 pm
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Location: Illinois

Re: uncertainty & making a move

Unread post by CaitlinEve »

Hey Lyle!

That definitely sounds like a dilemma! At the end of the day, what you choose to do is up to you, but let's see if I can at least help you with your uncertainty!

Regarding F, the only person who can say she has a crush on you is her; however, it does sound like she has some hesitation to move too quickly, which could be what is crossing some wires between the two of you in terms of communication and affection. In her mind, she could think she is being the most obvious person ever about having a crush or not having a crush! Keep this, and her history, in mind if you pursue her. Go at her pace and communicate!

As for M, it sounds like you haven't talked in a while. Considering you are visiting his city in the next few days, I encourage you to open up the lines of communication again and see if you can organize a meet-up in person! It's possible that you don't click anymore, or he is in a relationship or pursuing one with someone else, which would definitely impact your choice.

It sounds like the idea of being 'rejected' or turned down is stressful and daunting to you. Do you feel like you handle rejection well, or do you think you struggle with the concept/reality? Don't feel like you have to rush into things; you said you've recently gotten out of a long-distance relationship. I encourage you to try to give yourself time to process that and what getting into another, whether it's long-distance or in-person, would mean for you!
Lyle Lanley
not a newbie
Posts: 70
Joined: Thu Mar 11, 2021 8:19 am
Age: 17
Pronouns: any
Sexual identity: genderqueer bisexual butch
Location: italy

Re: uncertainty & making a move

Unread post by Lyle Lanley »

so, with M, things went horribly wrong. he had a clashing political opinion with me which i just couldn't forgive, and he's horribly egocentric and pretentious. also, he says that he thinks dating as a teenager is a waste of time and he prefers to focus on serious things. i don't know whether to feel relieved or heartbroken. i feel most of the former now. it's a bummer though, when i used to have a crush on him the world seemed so beautiful for once.

now i'll just have to try my luck with F.
Latha
scarleteen staff/volunteer
Posts: 487
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Primary language: English
Pronouns: she/her
Sexual identity: Queer
Location: India

Re: uncertainty & making a move

Unread post by Latha »

Hi Lyle Lanley,

Yikes, I'm sorry it went badly with M! Just because dating isn't right for him, doesn't mean it isn't right for everyone. I can see how this would be a bummer, but maybe this knowledge is for the best- now you can look elsewhere. On that note, good luck with F!

You're right that having a crush can make us see the world in a more positive light. If you want, you could try to cultivate this mindset on your own. I think it is possible to make a habit of looking for beauty in the world.
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