Wanting to date, but not feeling like I should post-breakup?

[forest_wave]

A couple months ago, I ended a relationship that was just under a year long. I'm at peace with that, but I don't feel like I've done the self-reflection, self-growth, etc that I feel like I need to do to start dating again. The thought of another relationship (long-term, anyway) is intimidating right now. Even so, I feel a bit of a pull to go on dates--I want to meet new people, I got back on a couple apps (even though I have a love-hate relationship with them), I'd like to be having sex (my ex-partner was on the ace spectrum and we didn't have sex). It's confusing, and I don't know how to handle what I'd like to be doing vs what I think I should be doing.

A little more specifically, there's a girl I work with that I'm crushing on hard lately. Like I said, there's everything about not feeling like I'm ready to date, and I wouldn't want to date someone I work with (I'm trying to leave this job, but still). And yet. She's kind, she's funny, she's supportive. I like being around her, and I like making her laugh. She's insanely cute. It's been hard not to think about her lately.

So, I guess I have two questions: more immediately, how should I handle my work crush, but more fundamentally, how can I manage the two divergent thoughts I have in my head about dating right now?

[Latha]

Hi there, forest_wave

If you want, you can talk to us about your concerns regarding long-term relationships- we may be able to offer some advice.

Something I've noticed is that your divergent thoughts are not necessarily mutually exclusive. You can date and meet new people even if you are not looking for a long-term relationship. And you can have sex outside of an exclusive, long-term relationship. Dipping your toes in like this may help you work through some of the concerns that you have, but you would need to feel comfortable with casual sex and relationships. How does this sound?

Since you wouldn't want to date someone you work with, you could just postpone the question of whether you should pursue a relationship with this girl. You can focus on your friendship for now, and see if your connection remains after you leave this job. This might also give you some time to reflect on your feelings about dating.

[forest_wave]

Hi Latha,

Thanks for your thoughts. To start with the second point since it's quicker, yes, I guess I just need to remind myself to defer that question for now about my coworker, and see what happens if/when I leave my job.

Re. long-term relationships, I guess I have a few concerns: 1) I felt like I wasn't a super great communicator in the relationship I just got out of, and I want to work through that; 2) I don't necessarily feel like I have enough of a defined social life, personal healthy routines, etc, and I want to work on/establish those things; 3) long-term feels intense right now! I feel like I'm trying to figure out a lot of things as far as myself, and throwing a relationship in there that would be long-term seems intimidating. I also don't have much dating experience, so I'd kind of like to meet new people and figure out what I want in a partner/relationship instead of committing to one person (unless I meet someone great, of course!). So I think yes, I'd feel comfortable with casual dating. I've never really dated casually, seen more than one person at a time, so I guess I wouldn't exactly know how to navigate it at first, but I'm open to it.

When you say "casual sex," are you referring to hookups, friends with benefits, etc, or just any sex outside a long-term relationship? In either case, I do feel comfortable with the idea of casual sex, but again, never really done it before. I also have a lot of anxiety around trying to find partners (re. casual sex, but also really just with dating in general). I don't feel confident in my ability to flirt or make a strong first impression (part of this is self-esteem and body image issues, but I digress), I'd feel super anxious about bringing up the topic of casual sex, I really don't love the apps (I know they can work, but I don't have much luck on them, and I do prefer the idea of meeting someone organically). And as a cishet guy, I DEFINITELY want to be mindful of not acting like a PUA, guy who's prowling, etc, and I'd want to approach casual sex/dating very respectfully.

Whew, that was a lot. Short answer, yes, open to casual dating/sex, but a lot of questions and anxieties around it.

[Sam W]

Hi forest_wave,

Those are all really good questions! One helpful starting place for the ones about casual sex in particular is this article of ours, which goes over the different ways a casual, sexual relationship can look and the things to keep in mind when navigating one: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/relatio ... casual-sex . I'm also a fan of Dr. Nerdlove for folks looking for advice on how to navigate things like casual sex or casual dating, in part because he's really good about breaking down how to do those things in a way that's respectful rather than creepy. https://www.doctornerdlove.com/

I think that putting your energy into building up your social life more generally and working on routines that help you look after your health and wellbeing is a sound way to go. Not only are those positive things to cultivate in general, they can give you a more solid foundation from which to date--casually or more seriously--when you decide you want to do that.

You mention that communication is something you feel you need to work on before getting into a long-term relationship again, and as you noted communication skills are also super important when navigating casual relationships. Are there particular parts of communicating you struggle with, or that you noticed caused issues in your previous relationship?

[forest_wave]

Hi Sam,

Thank you for these resources! As far as communicating, a few things come to mind off the bat: 1) advocating for myself, especially in a difficult conversation or when I'm worried the other person will be upset; 2) being clear and direct about what I want and voicing my opinions, instead of always going with the flow; 3) navigating difficult conversations without shutting down or becoming avoidant. These are things I struggle with generally, and I think they come from anxious-avoidant tendencies and being a bit of a people pleaser, but I definitely noticed those trends causing problems in my last relationship. (I guess I'll mention I'm in the process of switching therapists, because I don't feel like my current one has been helpful in interrogating these trends and figuring out how to counter them.) I want to fix those things generally speaking, but definitely in the context of dating. I feel like my communication issues led me to unintentionally hurt my ex-partner, and I'm afraid of doing that to another person again.

[Sam W]

Got it, thank you for those details! The good news is, those are all parts of communication that can be learned and practiced. We have a few different articles that I think can act as starting places for learning them, and give you some tips on how to practice them in smaller ways so that the first time you try using those communication skills isn't something big.
How to Clash with Love: Some Conflict Resolution Basics
Be Your Own Superhero
Be a Blabbermouth: The whys, what's, and hows of talking about sex with a partner (while this is written about sexual communication, a lot of the advice is applicable to other situations as well.

[forest_wave]

Thank you, Sam!!

[Sam W]

You're very welcome!