Person I was dating told me she recently realized that she’s straight

[Asking Queries]

Content/trigger warning: None, although this is sad and involves a (my) sapphic/lesbian breakup.



Hi everyone, sad news:

The person I was dating came out to me as straight recently, so we’re no longer dating. I’m feeling pretty numb, but also really sad. We’re planning on staying friends, which I’m hoping will happen.
This feels especially strange since they explicitly aren’t attracted to me because I’m a girl — it’s like a weird sort of (very painful) gender affirmation and asking myself what-if questions: “what if I was a guy?” “What if I was bi-gender?” “Would this be different?”.
I wouldn’t really consider this a failure, since I feel like we both did our best (I think I heard that idea in a Scarleteen article), but I’m definitely sad about it, and I was really looking forwards to where the dating went over the summer.

I guess I’m just looking for some emotional support about this.

[CaitlinEve]

Hey AQ,

I'm sorry to hear that. Breakups, for lack of a better word or explanation, can really suck! Make sure you're taking care of yourself during this time; eat some comfort food, watch your favorite movie, cozy up with a soft blanket, and let yourself feel your feelings. Although I know it's easy to ask what-if questions, make sure that you're not torturing yourself with them either. Just because weren't a good fit romantically doesn't mean that you can't be a good fit platonically.

I'm glad that you are planning on staying friends; just make sure that you pay attention to how you feel, because sometimes people need a little time before they can be solely friendly with a former romantic partner and that's totally okay! It's a big adjustment and your feelings are valid! As Heather wrote in their book, S.E.X.; "With a little time, patience, and communication, someone who doesn't work out as a lover or partner can become one of our most cherished close friends.".

Of course, as always, feel free to come back if you need more support.

[Asking Queries]

Hi CaitlinEve,

Thanks for these thoughts. I’m definitely having some difficulty feeling my feelings, although I suspect that that will gradually reduce and I’ll start to feel them more. I definitely think that we are a good fit platonically (we were good friends prior to starting dating), I just hope that this breakup doesn’t hurt our friendship too much.

I appreciate this advice, especially since I’m in a situation where I still have romantic feelings and they don’t — the continuous of my romantic feelings even when people aren’t interested in me is something that I’ve noticed numerous times, so I expect my romantic feelings to continue in this case. I feel like this could be awkward between me and them, so some thoughts on dealing with it would be good. (I’ve brought this up to them and discussed what we’re comfortable with physical intimacy wise, but I’m wondering if people have other ideas.) I definitely hope that they work as a friend, they’re a really cool and considerate person.

Thanks,
- AQ

[CaitlinEve]

AQ,

My fingers are crossed for you! I'm sure they don't expect you to have immediately lost all feeling for them (that would be unreasonable!), so I would imagine they know it's going to take a bit to feel alright and 'normal' again. Cut yourself the same slack in not pushing yourself to do things you aren't comfortable with. For example, if going out to eat with them would feel too much like a romantic date maybe choose a different activity or postpone. I suppose I would say to know your limitations and comfort zone, but I'm sure you will discover things about yourself through this as well.

Being friends isn't on a deadline, either. If things feel awkward between you, that doesn't mean it's not destined to work out platonically; it may just mean that you need to take a moment or approach it from a different angle. Discussing physical intimacy with them was a fantastic idea; do you feel like talking with them about your worries (re: awkwardness) would be helpful?

[Asking Queries]

Hi CaitlinEve,

I appreciate the finger crossing . Thanks for saying this (them not expecting feelings to disappear immediately and cutting myself slack), the date things we’ve done haven’t felt particularly stereotypically romantic (which is something which I had noticed before and was planning on suggesting more “romantic” ideas), so that might not be a significant problem.

I’ve already brought up to them that it might feel awkward for some time, although we should probably discuss that more as things go on — I’m not sure there’s a ton I can really (usefully) do, although I definitely want to do stuff because I feel like I’m responding to a loss of an important part of our relationship.

Thanks,
- AQ