How to stop feeling anxiety during sex?

[KierC]

Hi Brian,

One layer of clothing is enough, so that’s definitely enough layers! Indirect contact with pre-ejaculate does not pose a risk to pregnancy, and even if the pre-ejaculate were to get your or her underwear wet, it is still indirect contact that does not pose a risk to pregnancy.

[Jacob]

Hey Brian,

I hope you're OK!

I just want to add onto this thread that pregnancy anxiety and reassurance-seeking very often come as a package and are a sort of self-perpetuating combo. It sounds like you and your partner have a pretty in-depth understanding now of how pregnancy comes about, especially how pregnancy is likely to occur and yet you are both still seeking out new edge-cases that might somehow prove (I'm inferring here) that you were wrong all along, and that somehow you never should have trusted your own or each-others knowledge, or ability to face issues as they arise. I really feel for you here, as that's a really painful thing to go through.

Something I think is really important to do in situations like this is to give yourself permission to start tending to the feeling of anxiety. Holding back from seeking reassurance when you really want it, can be an act of homage to yourself, a bit like saying "Hey me, I trust you", and that self-trust can grow over time. Then when an impossible way of getting pregnant slips into your mind, you can more easily listen to your own judgement which says that it is indeed impossible.

How does that sound? I'd also say it's something your partner would need to be working on too, given that your anxieties are so much intertwined at the moment.

[Brian]

I’m crying while reading this. College is starting, relationship arguments are becoming more frequent and my overthinking continues to skyrocket.

I’ll..try to believe myself. And tell myself that I truly am okay. Everything seems so scary and out to get me. I feel like one mistake I’ll make my life is ruined and I’ll be stuck forever. It’s all just so scary.

I feel like I failed my gf. Taking emergency contraceptives months back to just ease our fears, then seeing her in pain due to symptoms made me feel like I failed her. I hate how she gets hurt. I feel awful in general.

[Jacob]

Aw, I am so sorry, this sounds like it has been really painful!

It sounds like you're putting a lot of blame on yourself, but I want to let you know that it's not a personal failing for a relationship not to work out, for stressful moments to occur, or for surprise events to require some some sort of action and that you certainly aren't responsible for a medication's side-effects.

You can try to do the right thing when those events come up. But you aren't their cause, and their existence is no failure on your part. I would take some deep breaths when those thoughts bubble up, take a walk, or do some writing and then return to the task at hand if indeed there *is* anything to do.

It may reach a point where staying in a relationship stops feeling like it works for you. Feeling awful probably isn't what either of you were hoping for when you started dating!