How to tell people that I’m in a QPR

[Jay27]

So my girlfriend of 2 years and I recently changed to a queerplatonic relationship. We call each other “partner” instead of “girlfriend” now. We just drifted apart and started to feel more like best friends who want to cuddle and hold hands sometimes. I told our closest friends and my parents over text, but I don’t know how to tell friends that I’m not as close with and I don’t want to make it weird. Any advice?

[CaitlinEve]

Hey Jay!

Do you think the friends you're not as close with would understand/know what a QPR is? Could you try explaining it like you explained it here; that you drifted apart and your feelings have changed from romantic feelings to platonic?

I want to also say that changing your relationship to a QPR is not inherently weird and if your friends did think it was weird, it wouldn't be because of you or your relationship or the way you explained it; it would likely be their own bias that cause them to see it as weird. Does that make sense?

[Jay27]

I’m not sure if my friends would know what a QPR is. Most of them are bi or gay so it might be easier to explain to them. I don’t think that being in a QPR is weird. I guess I don’t want to make a big deal of it. Like I don’t want to make an announcement in the big group chat.

[CaitlinEve]

Maybe you could just bring it up on an as-needed basis (like if somebody asks how your partner is or how your relationship is going), if you'd prefer not making an announcement. It isn't and doesn't have to be a big deal if you don't want it to be!

[Jacob]

Agreeing with CaitlinEve,

If you do find yourself trying to explain it to anyone who doesn't get it, I think you could use this sentence from your initial post to convey what you're trying to convey to anyone who otherwise doesn't get what you mean by a queer platonic relationship:

"We just drifted apart and started to feel more like best friends who want to cuddle and hold hands sometimes."

That seems to me like it should be pretty easy to understand, I don't know what more anyone could ask for!

[Heather]

I think it's worth adding that, on the whole, relationships that endure over time do often -- especially when people don't resist change that's happening -- change from one type to another, or shift within a given kind of relationship in a range of different ways.

What's less common are people (though I'd venture to say queer people are better at this) having the mutual flexibility and emotional maturity to recognize when a relationship is changing, and to try and change with it instead of fighting to try and keep it the same. But this kind of rarity is a very good thing. <3

[Jay27]

Thanks for the advice! I guess when I’m talking to people one on one or in a small group I can bring it up. We were at a party a couple days ago and people called us “girlfriends” and it was awkward, because I don’t want to announce the change in a room of 20 people.

[Ro S]

Hey Jay27,

Like Caitlin mentioned, you don't have to make this shift into anything big if you don't want it that way. I think it's wise of you to know the appropriate time to tell others - it seems to me like you're already everything you can to introduce this change to your friends.

Agreeing with Heather's last post that you and your partner are doing something really beautiful by allowing your relationship to shift and change in accordance to the ways that you two as individuals shift and change <3