GF insults me sexually?

[Jlongdong]

"You're 29 years old and you don't know how to have sex"
"you don't know how to use your penis"
roared the queen in Spanish to our translation app that I could then hear it translated to English.

Those are the words coming from my girlfriend of 3 months when I have a long distance relationship with and traveled to see her in another state twice, for the weekend. I only know English (well I'm picking up Spanish) and she only knows Spanish. We use a translation app

So why does she say this? Because I explained to her I feel nervous and uncomfortable with the cowgirl position because when she grinds back it pushes my erection angle closer to her and away from me and I feel unsafe about the possibility of injury. I don't like it when she tries to give me handjobs if she pushes me erection away from me, again in an angle it doesn't go.

-Thus the queen after pressuring me to do things I didn't feel comfortable doing acted like there's no other way to orgasm or that oral doesn't exist or that you can't just incorporate sex toys into the bedroom

-and she really treated me in a disrespectful way after I spent all that time, money, and effort to travel

[Sofi]

Hi there. I hear you're frustrated with the way your girlfriend is treating you, and I gotta say, you're right that it's not very respectful to talk to anyone, let alone our partners, that way. I went and looked at your previous post after reading this one and it sounds like this isn't a very healthy relationship. Even aside of the things she said, it sounds like sexually you are not a good fit with each other and want different things.

Beyond that, if she is pressuring you to do things you're not comfortable doing, that's really not okay. We should never be pressuring our partners to do anything they are uncomfortable with, especially when it comes to sex. In a healthy relationship, when you express discomfort with something, your partner respects that. Pressuring you and insulting you, and you referring to her as the queen in a possibly condescending way, signals that this is not a healthy relationship and there is a lot of resentment on your end for the way she has treated you.

I want to check in with how you feel after hearing this. We know leaving an unhealthy relationship when we love the person is really hard, so we are happy to help you through that if you need, just let me know.

[Heather]

Hey there, I just want to echo Sofi here, because I think it's been clear since you started posting here that this relationship is just bad news. Bad for you, for certain, but it sounds like it's no good for either of you. Neither of you seem happy with one another, and you have also reported things here that sound potentially sexually abusive (pressuring a partner into any kind of sex is coercion, whatever the genders of people involved).

I do want to say that there are a few things you've said here we might want to table to talk about later though, like the idea that it's not okay for people to just bring sex toys into the bedroom (it is, and a lot of people do just that, but if it isn't okay with *you* and you have told a partner that, then yeah, that's not alright), or what sounds like a sense that if you spend money and time to travel to a sexual or romantic partner that they owe you something (they don't). However, I think the most important thing right now is your recognizing that this is clearly a toxic relationship, at best, and starting to think about leaving it.

[Jlongdong]

Thank you all for replying.

I understand this doesn't sound good. But she did talk to me last night and said she'll stop trying to get me to do a position I'm uncomfortable with

Here's my concern, I understand the cowgirl position feels pleasurable to her and I just want to make sure I can still satisfy her, just like she has satisfied me, in bed. We did mention that I couldn't perform cunnilingus on her this most recent time because she was on her period (she did not expect me to do that and we both felt like it wasn't the time for us). However, next time if we plan the timing better, I can perform cunnilingus on her because she really likes that

She also was initially hesitant to the idea of bringing toys but is open to it now. She said she didn't want an object to replace me and I obviously don't want that either, but I think there's a way to incorporate it into the bedroom where I can use a vibrator on her if lets say my hand gets tired.

She wants me to do something which I think is very reasonable and I will do it for her and for my health. Even though I'm skinny, my cardiovascular/aerobic fitness has declined after my mid-20s because I got lazy with jogging. This means after say 3 minutes during missionary, I start to get out of breath and feel like I've been working out too much, get thirsty too, sweaty. I am confident getting back into the routine (slowly but surely) of 15 minutes of jogging a day will eliminate this problem

The other thing is she wants me not to put my full body weight on her during missionary. So I'm getting used to holding my arms straight out, as long as I get my wrists conditioned so I'm not putting all my weight on her and she can see my face and chest. The other possibility is just resting on my elbows and she suggested I flex my knees some


P.S I want to clear up a misunderstanding. When I said she treated me in a disrespectful way after I spent all that time, money, and effort to see her; all I meant was that I felt like she could have been more kind, appreciative with me and be able to better enjoy my company

[KierC]

Hey there Jlongdong,

I hope it’s ok I’m popping in here. I hear you that she said she’d stop coercing you into positions you’re uncomfortable in. That’s certainly a step forward, but it needs to be coupled with actually changing behavior and actually not coercing you or making coercive comments. That includes comments about trying to get you to exercise or change your body. I’ll refrain from going on a tangent on that, but generally it’s just not cool to expect someone to become more able to do a certain activity. Too, even if the coercion never happens again, it still did happen and is a signal that this person is probably not the best partner to be with.

I want to say, too, relationships just don’t have to be this tough. Nobody should be coercing anyone in a relationship, nobody should be making disrespectful comments, and typically, when that happens in a relationship, it’s normal, common, and totally okay to say “well, that’s clearly an unhealthy dynamic, and not the relationship I want to be in” and get out of it. I know that’s not always easy to enact, especially when there’s some toxic behavior on one or both parts, but it’s the kindest thing you can do for yourself and others to leave when you recognize that. It can help, too, to check in with yourself on this privately, and see if this is actually a relationship you want to be in. For example, what is great about your relationship? What makes you feel good in it? What do you like about her? If you want to type it out here, too, we’d be happy to hear you.

[Jlongdong]

Hey there Jlongdong,

I hope it’s ok I’m popping in here. I hear you that she said she’d stop coercing you into positions you’re uncomfortable in. That’s certainly a step forward, but it needs to be coupled with actually changing behavior and actually not coercing you or making coercive comments. That includes comments about trying to get you to exercise or change your body. I’ll refrain from going on a tangent on that, but generally it’s just not cool to expect someone to become more able to do a certain activity. Too, even if the coercion never happens again, it still did happen and is a signal that this person is probably not the best partner to be with.

I want to say, too, relationships just don’t have to be this tough. Nobody should be coercing anyone in a relationship, nobody should be making disrespectful comments, and typically, when that happens in a relationship, it’s normal, common, and totally okay to say “well, that’s clearly an unhealthy dynamic, and not the relationship I want to be in” and get out of it. I know that’s not always easy to enact, especially when there’s some toxic behavior on one or both parts, but it’s the kindest thing you can do for yourself and others to leave when you recognize that. It can help, too, to check in with yourself on this privately, and see if this is actually a relationship you want to be in. For example, what is great about your relationship? What makes you feel good in it? What do you like about her? If you want to type it out here, too, we’d be happy to hear you.

Thank you for your input and I'll answer your question. Well attraction wise, I think she is an extremely beautiful latina woman. She also has this very playful and flirtatious side. I like that about her personality too, that she has a healthy libido (my ex girlfriends did not) and she likes to initiate sex and be very flirtatious. I also enjoy the company at night that I get to cuddle with her and feel like I'm with someone that loves me. I also love it that she has the goal of building a life with me where we can rent our own place and start our life as an independent couple.


I do know she said her ex-boyfriend cheated on her and he also would pull away during sex and she claims he was verbally abusive. With me, if I start to pull away during sex, it is because if I'm tired and know it's going to take a bit of effort for her to orgasm, then she's going to criticize me, but most importantly it's only if I get the sense that she's going to try to make me do something that I find uncomfortable. She says she'll no longer do that and understands I can satisfy her with oral, other positions, and incorporate sex toys


But I do feel there's very unhealthy parts of our relationship. One of which is when she threatened to leave me if I try to tell her that are respectful and disrespectful ways to communicate with a partner and she's like "maybe i'm not good for you and should leave you" and I ask her please to not leave me

[KierC]

When I asked those questions about what you like about her, I was actually asking you what you like about her as a person, and was hoping you’d have some thoughts about, say, her personality, how she treats people, how she interacts in the world, how her hobbies are cool, how she treats her pets, how she treats herself… anything aside from her existing in your mind as an object that can satisfy you sexually. I asked those questions to elucidate *any* reason for staying in this relationship or not, and frankly your answer says that not only is this not a respectful and healthy relationship, but also that you need to reflect on how you view women as partners, and particularly how your thoughts and words about your partner are tokenizing and fetishizing Latinx folks.

For example, you had this to say about what you like about about your partner as a person:

Well attraction wise, I think she is an extremely beautiful latina woman. She also has this very playful and flirtatious side.

When you say you like her because she is “an extremely beautiful Latina woman,” you’re quite literally tokenizing and fetishizing your partner by viewing her differently, particularly in a sexualized and self-serving way, due to her race. Viewing and treating people differently because of their membership to a particular group, in your case liking your partner *because* she is a “beautiful Latina,” is the definition of tokenism, and it’s hurtful and disturbing for others to read, particularly Latinx folks. Your words also made our Latinx staff feel uncomfortable. I don’t view the language you’re using about your partner as respectful or acceptable at all either, I do feel that the words you’re using are rooted in racial bias, and I am asking you in order to keep this community a respectful space, to not use fetishizing and tokenizing language towards your partner, or anyone, here.

I would also highly suggest you privately reflecting on *why*, when asked what you like about your partner as a person, all you have to say is that she’s Latina and likes sex. I want to mention this:

I like that about her personality too, that she has a healthy libido (my ex girlfriends did not) and she likes to initiate sex and be very flirtatious.

These are not personality traits; too, and this relates to what I said in the beginning, these are all just things about her that serve *you*. Also, I noted the subtle “diss” to your exes having an “unhealthy” libido— that’s also signaling to me that you need to reflect on how you view the women in your life; commenting on women’s libido as “healthy” or not is quite inappropriate and not your place at all. Can surely explain that more if needed.

So, in your answers, I’m not hearing anything that someone in a healthy, loving, and respectful relationship might say about their partner. I’ll say, too, what you’ve mentioned about your partner, that she’s attractive and likes sex, is not enough to sustain a relationship. When you talk about moving in with her and creating a life, but have nothing to say about her personality or how she thinks or *anything* besides sex and attraction, and when you say you can only communicate through a translation app, that’s a red flag to me that this relationship may not have what it needs to sustain. So, with regard to your original topic here, I think it’s very clear that you may not even view her as a true and equal partner, and that this relationship is unsubstantiated by deeper connection and understanding of each other. Your partner, whether or not you know it, is a complex and unique individual with much more to see than just her race and her libido, I know that without even knowing who she is; and she, along with everyone else, deserves to be looked at as a whole person. My point is that every person you meet in life will have more to them than how they can serve you, and I want to invite you to reflect on that.

That was a lot to take in, I know, but I want to invite you to read this and sit with it for a bit. I know that most of that may be uncomfortable to read, but it’s necessary for our community, for your partner, and for you to address how some of your words here reflect tokenism, fetishization, and objectification.

[Jlongdong]

Well first of all, most people that I know of who are latin, don't like the term "Latinx" and said it was created by people who don't understand Spanish and that it's okay for some words to be masculine or feminine and applied to people. I know people from different Spanish speaking cultures and they specifically prefer to use Latino or Latina and find Latinx an insulting term that's actually the exact opposite of being politically correct

I do understand I gave an answer that didn't particularly answer the question because I was pressed on time and I'll answer it now but before I get into that I want to say that I used to know a woman that would "fetishize" the race I am and that it's not just something "certain men do". I also had someone either in this thread or another thread completely misread my post and assume I was some creep that thought I was owed sex for visiting her. She misread that I was actually saying that I felt my girlfriend could have been respectful of me and understood I visited her because I loved her. It seems that some of the members will be biased and think if it is a man complaining about a girlfriend, that it is always the man who is toxic and not the woman. There's definitely exceptions to this.

As far as what I like about my girlfriend, I feel that her and I can talk about anything and we share similar hobbies with the types of videos and music we enjoy. I also think she is beautiful. I realize I can't use "Latina" and "beautiful" in the same sentence or else I'm supposedly a horrible man that "fetishizes" women based on race. It's not like my girlfriend ever thinks about my race either

I love that she is ready to get more involved in my life and I get more involved in hers. Her and I have also gone through some very tough situations in life and don't take the simple things in life such as romantic relationship, family, and friends for granted. Her and I have a strong emotional connection. Those are all just some of the reasons.

[Jacob]

Hi J,

There's a lot here so I'm going to break it down:

First, you didn't need to report Kier's post. You feeling attacked is not the same as being attacked. If we challenge our users including you, it is because we believe that doing so can help them - if we believed that you were irredeemably hateful, we simply wouldn't engage, and would shut down your account. Kier obviously thought more of you than that and spent the time to explain their insight into the relationship which you have described for us.

Secondly, I just read Kier's response, and I didn't see anywhere that they were asking you to use the term Latinx, it's simply the term they used. You are free not to use it, especially when speaking to folks who have asked you not to, but speaking anecdotally to us about what those people's opinions are doesn't really have much relevance to this conversation, and some people not liking "Latinx", as is their right, doesn't make it offensive to all the people who use it, often about themselves.

It'd be unfair to expect your friends or relatives to speak on behalf of an incredibly diverse cultural, regional, ethnic and historic group group, just as it'd be unfair to expect you to speak on their behalf. If you want to send us any resources which you think we should read about the terminology we use you can use the contact form at scarleteen.com/contact - you don't need to report posts by staff & volunteers, which to me seems to weaponize a feature which is intended for real and serious violations of our User Guidelines & Privacy Policy.

How you have responded to Kier says a lot to me about how you are probably responding to conflict in your relationship. It seems to me that you felt challenged in this thread, and escalated the situation, which then derailed the whole conversation. If this is something you find yourself doing in your relationship (e.g. you feel attacked, so you attack back) then this is really going to tie you up in unhealthy loops both in your current relationship and in any future relationship, until you work on it.

You have chosen to remain here seeking our support, even after you have accused us of being offensive and combative, and you've also chosen to remain in a relationship with your partner after acknowledging some of the major problems in how you both have treated each-other.

So I think the best thing to do now, is have a hard think about what your red lines really are, and ask yourself what keeps you from walking away from situations you see as somehow harmful?

Digging in your heels, and slinging mud back does not seem like a great approach, whereas listening to yourself and listening to the insight people are trying to share with you, then making your own decisions of what to do after that, and following through with those decisions, seems like the best way to move forward and away from this stuck feeling. We can't offer more than our insights - it's on you to decide what to do with them.

The way Kier approached this is pretty much how I would have approached it, and if you don't like that approach then I'm afraid we're not going to get far here. However, if you're willing to, I think there's a lot you could learn by re-reading what they actually wrote, use it to reflect on yourself (instead of making this about how you feel other people are treating you and what their intentions are) and focus on what you want to actually do about your relationship. That is the best place to put your energy now.

[Jlongdong]

I understand you have your views but I was discussing some toxicity in a relationship and the way I responded to the last post does not in any way reflect how I respond to my girlfriend.

It's one thing to be disgruntled with me about how my report was deemed inappropriate which I will never do again but it's another thing to then tell someone like myself who expressed toxicity he experienced in a relationship that I am at fault of attempting to escalate the situation. I treat my girlfriend with respect and that was part of the whole reason why it upset me to have her get angry at me and insult me sexually instead of being constructive and just asking I do something different for her to help her feel satisfied.

I can only tell you what happened as I realize and understand you were not there to see a woman that I trusted dearly and was always very well mannered and respectful too, to get angry at me- literally angry and raising her voice at me and insulting me because I had difficulty with feeling comfortable doing something sexual she wanted and I really can't help it and I would do anything for her. That's why I felt upset and sensitive about it any post including your rightful critique of me being more mindful with what's appropriate to report, that made it sound as if I was doing something wrong that justified her words and reactions.

I apologize for criticizing the term "Latinx" as if everybody thought that was an inappropriate term and instead If I made a comment I should have said that I know quite a few people that thought it was politically incorrect and said that was only their own anecdotal experiences as people who were born and lived in various Latin American countries/cultures

[Jacob]

I don't think "fault" needs to lie with one person but you are responsible for your own behaviour, and your own decision to stay, even if your partner's behaviour also sucks.

We can nod our heads and say "Yes she's been terrible" but beyond that it's you we are talking to.

It feels like you have major things to work on and it will take more than our critique of her behaviour or advice for you alone to repair what needs repairing.

If you are both wanting to stay in this relationship despite it's problems have you considered couples therapy?

Is that something you'd both be able to commit to?

[Jlongdong]

When I asked those questions about what you like about her, I was actually asking you what you like about her as a person, and was hoping you’d have some thoughts about, say, her personality, how she treats people, how she interacts in the world, how her hobbies are cool, how she treats her pets, how she treats herself… anything aside from her existing in your mind as an object that can satisfy you sexually. I asked those questions to elucidate *any* reason for staying in this relationship or not, and frankly your answer says that not only is this not a respectful and healthy relationship, but also that you need to reflect on how you view women as partners, and particularly how your thoughts and words about your partner are tokenizing and fetishizing Latinx folks.

For example, you had this to say about what you like about about your partner as a person:

Well attraction wise, I think she is an extremely beautiful latina woman. She also has this very playful and flirtatious side.

When you say you like her because she is “an extremely beautiful Latina woman,” you’re quite literally tokenizing and fetishizing your partner by viewing her differently, particularly in a sexualized and self-serving way, due to her race. Viewing and treating people differently because of their membership to a particular group, in your case liking your partner *because* she is a “beautiful Latina,” is the definition of tokenism, and it’s hurtful and disturbing for others to read, particularly Latinx folks. Your words also made our Latinx staff feel uncomfortable. I don’t view the language you’re using about your partner as respectful or acceptable at all either, I do feel that the words you’re using are rooted in racial bias, and I am asking you in order to keep this community a respectful space, to not use fetishizing and tokenizing language towards your partner, or anyone, here.

I would also highly suggest you privately reflecting on *why*, when asked what you like about your partner as a person, all you have to say is that she’s Latina and likes sex. I want to mention this:

I like that about her personality too, that she has a healthy libido (my ex girlfriends did not) and she likes to initiate sex and be very flirtatious.

These are not personality traits; too, and this relates to what I said in the beginning, these are all just things about her that serve *you*. Also, I noted the subtle “diss” to your exes having an “unhealthy” libido— that’s also signaling to me that you need to reflect on how you view the women in your life; commenting on women’s libido as “healthy” or not is quite inappropriate and not your place at all. Can surely explain that more if needed.

So, in your answers, I’m not hearing anything that someone in a healthy, loving, and respectful relationship might say about their partner. I’ll say, too, what you’ve mentioned about your partner, that she’s attractive and likes sex, is not enough to sustain a relationship. When you talk about moving in with her and creating a life, but have nothing to say about her personality or how she thinks or *anything* besides sex and attraction, and when you say you can only communicate through a translation app, that’s a red flag to me that this relationship may not have what it needs to sustain. So, with regard to your original topic here, I think it’s very clear that you may not even view her as a true and equal partner, and that this relationship is unsubstantiated by deeper connection and understanding of each other. Your partner, whether or not you know it, is a complex and unique individual with much more to see than just her race and her libido, I know that without even knowing who she is; and she, along with everyone else, deserves to be looked at as a whole person. My point is that every person you meet in life will have more to them than how they can serve you, and I want to invite you to reflect on that.

That was a lot to take in, I know, but I want to invite you to read this and sit with it for a bit. I know that most of that may be uncomfortable to read, but it’s necessary for our community, for your partner, and for you to address how some of your words here reflect tokenism, fetishization, and objectification.

The first time I tried to tell her that I like how beautiful she was, it actually upset her that I did not use the word Latina. I should have realized nowadays on a message board if I said that I should have clarified it.

She did sometimes say odd stuff and I felt like I was being fetishized and she had certain kinks. When her and I had dirty talk, she would pressure me to say "I colonized her" and she would ask me to humiliate her husband by saying he was watching Telemundo while "I colonized her". I only consented to that talk when I realized her kink for dirty talk was important to her

[Jacob]

You seem to have sidestepped my most recent response and my question about couples therapy.

You also seem to have complaints about some of the ways you have been spoken to by your girlfriend but not willing to explore what you are willing to do about it.

I am not sure what we can offer you besides what we have already said.