Attraction (I guess?) to best friend after watching Heartstopper S3

[iloveeveryone]

Trigger warnings: Topics in post: casual touches, sexual attraction, arousal, mentions of mental illnesses, Heartstopper show season 3, masturbation.

Hello! Thank you for your time!

I am slightly worried about certain new feelings I feel for my best friend in college. They are so good to me, and sweet. We are both big on physical contact as our main "language of love". I love them emotionally, and I do feel that I love and often think about the idea of them. Certain touches, like on the thigh, or around my shoulder, etc. have made me briefly feel sexually aroused but I have always brushed it off as a physiological reaction. We are also very close because I am the biggest component of their support system at college with their depression and other mental illnesses. (I feel like this first paragraph describing my general feelings for them makes it look like I "definitely" like my friend romantically/sexually, but I think in real life, other things may also be true!)

What I wanted some insight on today is my new, more frequently-felt sexual attraction to them since we watched the new season of the show Heartstopper a week ago. Certain scenes in the show would inherently make me feel aroused, no matter whether I was watching alone or with someone else. Me and my friend were sitting really close together with thighs touching/us holding hands/other physical affections typical to us, especially with the show's emotional themes.

During and after sessions of watching episodes of the show, and ever since we finished it a week ago, I would be lying if I said I wasn't thinking about my best friend sexually much more than before, including masturbating to the thought of them every day in the last week as opposed to the 5 times in total this might have happened before during our friendship of one year.

What do I do about these sexual feelings? They feel good, but I also feel like 1. it is wrong because they are my friend, and 2. it is unnatural and I should not be feeling this so strongly. I don't want the sexual feelings to go away because they feel good and make me feel closer to my friend, but I'm also worried about the feelings and what situations they might lead to if I say the wrong thing!

I guess I would just appreciate some outsider thoughts on this, since I don't want to talk about it with my best friend yet, and other friends are all mutual friends in our circle.

Thank you so much, I look forward to your response!

[HannahP]

Hi iloveeveryone!

It can be a bit jarring when we suddenly develop a crush or an attraction or feelings for someone, especially someone we're close to! I think feeling a bit thrown off by that is really common. Do you mind if I ask you a few questions about your feelings so we can try to figure out where your discomfort is coming from?

One thing you say is that you're uncomfortable having sexual feelings for your friend because they're your friend. I understand worrying that new feelings will change the dynamic of a friendship that is really important in your life! I'm curious if there are other reasons why you worry that having these feelings is "wrong," besides the fact that it could change your friendship.

It especially stands out to me that you say these feelings are "unnatural." From my perspective, they seem completely normal and natural to me! It sounds like you have a lot of love and affection for your friend and the two of you have a very close and intimate relationship. Many people find that romantic and/or sexual feelings can pop up when they feel close to someone like that! I think it makes particular sense that you felt these feelings grow while watching a romantic and sexy show like Heartstopper together. I think it's pretty natural for seeing an arousing situation in a movie or TV show to translate to wanting something similar to happen to us in real life.

That being said, even if it's normal to have sexual or romantic feelings for someone doesn't mean that we can always or always want to encourage or pursue those feelings. So if you'd prefer to focus on your friendship and handle your sexual feelings yourself, I'm happy to help talk through how you could do that!

[iloveeveryone]

Thank you!

Yes, I would like to know how to handle it myself.

One thing you say is that you're uncomfortable having sexual feelings for your friend because they're your friend. I understand worrying that new feelings will change the dynamic of a friendship that is really important in your life! I'm curious if there are other reasons why you worry that having these feelings is "wrong," besides the fact that it could change your friendship.

It especially stands out to me that you say these feelings are "unnatural." From my perspective, they seem completely normal and natural to me! It sounds like you have a lot of love and affection for your friend and the two of you have a very close and intimate relationship. Many people find that romantic and/or sexual feelings can pop up when they feel close to someone like that! I think it makes particular sense that you felt these feelings grow while watching a romantic and sexy show like Heartstopper together. I think it's pretty natural for seeing an arousing situation in a movie or TV show to translate to wanting something similar to happen to us in real life.

I don't know why I feel it is unnatural! Maybe part of it is because of 'internalised homophobia' ? I should think about this more.

I would appreciate some tips on how to handle these feelings myself given that I don't want my friend to find out. Two more things I would like inputs on:

1. I don't know if I want the feelings to go away! I just know that given my friend's mental illnesses, these feelings cannot be a good sign for me. My friend just had another bad mental health episode a few days ago, and I'm kind of panicked about what might happen to me if my own feelings persist.
2. I did just come out of another bad romantic relationship, and what does it say about me that I am again having romantic feelings that can potentially harm my own mental health a lot?

I hope I did not dump too many different negative topics at once!

Thank you so much.

[KierC]

Hey there Iloveeveryone,

I want to reiterate what Hannah said first, which is that it’s so natural and understandable to experience attraction to someone you’re so close to — particularly while watching a romantic show! These feelings, if anything, are an indication that you’ve found someone you really enjoy being around, and it doesn’t mean you have to act on them or change the friendship if you don’t want to. One important thing to remember with this is that, while you’re having feelings for your friend, you are in charge of whether or not you express these feelings. It sounds like you’re aware of your friend’s mental health episode recently and do not want to pursue things sexually, and that’s okay! You can remain friends with them and retain this boundary that you don’t want to change the relationship. With that in mind, though, do you want to talk a little more about why you’re concerned about your mental health by being around them?

In terms of how to handle your sexual feelings yourself, I think it’d be worth thinking about what about that situation with your friend makes you feel aroused. Is there something in particular about your friend that you like, for example? Or is there something in the show you saw that made you feel aroused? If you can identify what it is about that situation you liked, you might be able to give yourself those same feelings while exploring sexual feelings on your own.

Last thought: I hear you about internalized homophobia possibly contributing to this. Did you have more thoughts about that? (It’s ok if you haven’t thought about it yet, it’s a big topic that can take some time to go through)

[iloveeveryone]

Trigger warning: self-harm




Thank you so much, and sorry for the late reply.

Yes, I don't need to change the relationship outwardly. I get what you say about getting the same good-feelings from some other source.

I'm concerned for my mental health because I recently I am more affected, and more easily affected, by their severe mental health issues. My college therapist said I need "self-care", but I don't really know what that means.

About internalised homophobia, I haven't thought about it much since because of more urgent developments in our friendship. I just had a heavy conversation where I told this best friend that for the past month I've been feeling more personally overwhelmed by their mental health issues, and I've started feeling resentment towards them for being sick. I emphasised that I didn't expect "time apart" or any such measures. I'm wondering if our relationship will ever be good again. I hope my friend doesn't start self-harming more because of me; they said they'd had a similar conversation with someone else just three days ago :( .

The topic of this post has changed so much!

[KierC]

Hey there iloveeveryone!

It’s totally okay if the topic of your post shifts — this is an important development to talk about, and I’m glad you feel comfortable doing so here.

It sounds like you’re thinking more about your own mental health possibly being impacted by your relationship with your friend who is struggling. You want to be there for your friend, but you also want to make sure your own mental health isn’t impacted. There are certainly ways to be there for a friend who is struggling with their mental health without it bringing you into a heavier mental space.

It might help to start by thinking for yourself (or typing here), what kind of support you feel comfortable providing, and what your limits are. Setting clear boundaries for what kind of help or support you can provide, when you can provide that kind of support, and what limits you have on what kind of things they tell you about can be a helpful start to protecting your own mental health while preserving the friendship. For example, you mentioned your concern about your friend self-harming because of you. I want to say first, it is not okay for someone to say to you that they’re self-harming “because of you.” If they do say that to you, that’s certainly a limit to set with them (and possibly getting them to tell an adult they trust).

I hear you, too, that you’re overwhelmed by this and growing resentment towards them. That’s so important to recognize when you feel this way, because it’s an indication that you may need to set some limits and also care for yourself as your therapist suggested (more on this later!). This type of boundary-setting is a good practice to do in any relationship, too; while it’s natural and good to be there for those you love, you want to make sure you’re there for yourself as well. With that in mind, do you want to say a bit more about what concerns you about their mental health, or what sort of boundaries you feel would be helpful?

I am so glad to hear you’re discussing this with your therapist, too, and that they suggested self-care. Self-care refers to activities you do that support your emotional wellbeing and also help you manage stress. We have a great resource on what self-care, including what it is, and some ideas on how to practice it: Self-Care A La Carte! Feel free to look through this article and try anything that sounds relaxing to you! Important to note too: self-care activities are often relaxing, but sometimes doing something difficult but restorative can be just as helpful (like boundary-setting). You can read more about it here, too: Self-Care When It’s Scary.

I’m going to stop there for now, but how are you feeling about all of that to start?

[iloveeveryone]

Thank you for these suggestions.

Unfortunately, I did not take many steps towards self-care or boundaries, and this has been really bad for our relationship. :(

My bad feelings about their mental illness recently made me start building up walls to my friend, like not sharing things with them as much as I used to, and even being upset and possessive whenever my friend had to do other things they are passionate about.

We had a talk, but my feelings didn't go away, and a few days ago, my friend decided to take a "friendship break" from a relationship that had become "toxic" until I "resolve my issues", either with therapy, or through any other way.

I'm very guilty that my feelings came out in a way that hurt my friend, and I am so sad and shocked that this even happened, and that I did so much harm that my friend used the word 'toxic' for me/our relationship.

I don't know what to do, since I don't see ways other than professional therapy to deal with my feelings. The thought of professional therapy is also daunting! I love the idea of therapy itself, but the monetary cost and the efforts I would need to talk to my parents about needing therapy, are very, very scary. Some thoughts on this would be great. Also, I can't help but ask if there are any ways I can resolve my feelings without professional therapy.

My parents are really supportive and smart, and having consistent talks with them about this would help me, but I'm guessing I would need other sources of help too. :cry:
 
I'm sorry, I should have thought about and implemented the things in your previous reply before the situation deteriorated!

Thank you.

[CaitlinEve]

Hi iloveeveryone, welcome back

I'm sorry to hear about how this situation went down. Even though it's easy to read about or recommend boundaries and communication, the reality is that implementation can be an incredibly hard thing to do! I don't think this is an abnormal situation either. Have you ever heard of compassion fatigue? It may help explain how your mental health seems to be linked with your friend's.

Therapy isn't for everybody, but I think it's worth trying a few sessions (if that's feasible) to see if it could help you sort through your feelings. That being said, professional therapy isn't necessarily the end-all be-all of feelings and getting help. For example, there are resources online that may help you with communication and working through your feelings (such as BetterHelp) as well as possibly resources in your local area (such as group therapy). May I ask if you have already talked to your parents, or if that's just another idea you could implement?

[iloveeveryone]

Hello!

Yes, I have heard of compassion fatigue. An internet search ( :oops: ) with what I was feeling a few months ago gave me this term, and it has been useful for me to identify my feelings!

I don't think physical professional therapy is feasible for me at this stage. Thank you for suggesting BetterHelp; I used to think it wasn't a credible source.

For now, I am trying detailed writing by myself about the situation and my feelings, I read a research paper that said this helps.

I talked to my parents right after my friend initiated the friendship break and got their perspective on the whole situation. Although they have not asked me about my feelings since then, and are not likely to bring it up again unless I bring it up, I am almost sure they will be willing to spend more time talking to me about this on the phone (I'm in college).

Also, I do go to a therapist inside college, and I do plan to keep talking to her about the situation, but I don't feel like she is well-enough equipped to give me all the help I need.

[Andy]

Hi there,

I’m glad to hear that you find the term helpful for identifying your feelings. It could also be helpful when communicating what you are experiencing to other people like your therapist or parents.

It sounds like you are doing lot of work on yourself and on managing this difficult situation, that is certainly something to give yourself a proud pat on the back for!
I just want to say that all the things you are doing like asking for help here, writing down your feelings, talking about this with parents or searching for possible therapy options, are really great and can come a long way in making you feel better. But that doesn’t mean that everything will be okay immediately and if not it is because you didn’t try hard enough or something like that. It’s clear that your friend and your relationship means a lot to you so it’s only natural that there are hard feelings present when hardships like this occur. And sometimes the best thing we can do for ourselves is letting ourselves acknowledge and feel those feelings <3

Let us know how we can best support you around any of this!

[iloveeveryone]

I’m glad to hear that you find the term helpful for identifying your feelings. It could also be helpful when communicating what you are experiencing to other people like your therapist or parents.

It sounds like you are doing lot of work on yourself and on managing this difficult situation, that is certainly something to give yourself a proud pat on the back for!

Thank you so much...

I will try to acknowledge and feel my feelings, and let you know if I need support. Thank you again!

[KierC]

So glad to hear what Andy said was helpful, and feel free to let us know if you ever need more support! <3