fantasies in partnership

[thecolorofwater]

my partner disclosed to me that they once used a picture of his ex (they’re still friends and keep in touch) to masturbate. he insists that it was just a one-time mistake and he didn’t even use it “with this specific person in mind, it was almost like watching porn”. he even admitted that he’s not proud of himself for it but he didn’t want to keep that information from me.

now, i am finding myself trying to understand what he did and why. i know that the reason he told me is because he wanted to be truthful and trusted i’d listen. still, i’m finding myself questioning everything and feeling very sad when i think about what he did. it’s not like i didn’t send him nudes and i have always been very open about desires/fantasies. i feel betrayed.

any advice or thoughts on the situation is very appreciated.

[Heather]

Hi there, thecolorofwater. I'm so sorry that you're having a hard time with this.

Generally, I think that it's common for people to still have good memories of people from past relationships, including sexual ones. Just like we might call up a happy love memory of someone from the past -- yep, even when we also love other people in the present -- we might pull up a sexual memory from the past. Same goes with fantasies: it's common for people to still have a diverse array of sexual fantasies, even when they're very happy with their real-life sexual partners and the real-life sex they are having.

Now, I'm not so sure he actually needed to tell you this, and I wonder if it might not have been better if he hadn't. After all, we all have all kinds of thoughts all the time, they are only thoughts, and we don't share all of them with everyone we're close to, you know? I suspect he probably told you because he felt bad about it for some reason and wanted to feel better for himself, and I can't help but wonder if it might not have been kinder and better for him to talk to someone about those feelings who wasn't you and whose feelings wouldn't have been so hurt.

I do want to say, though, that most people feel attracted to more than one person in the world, even when there is someone they feel very attracted to. maybe that hasn't happened for you yet, but if not, it probably will. That's not about you not sharing enough nudes or being good enough in any way, it's more that our desire for one person doesn't typically cancel out all of our other sexual feelings and interests, especially not long-term.

Can you say a little about how valued you feel in this relationship overall? Do you generally feel desired, cherished and valued? Do you generally feel secure in the sexual part of this relationship?

[thecolorofwater]

i think that he and i have agreed that our fantasies are a place where we get to explore and do what we may without having to feel shame. we also know that we don’t always have to share those thoughts with each other. fantasy isn’t reality, anyway. i guess what i have trouble with is that he took that fantasy from something just in his head to a behavior or action, turning fantasy into something real. so i see what youre saying but also have trouble with the fact he acted out on his fantasies without looping me in (i mean what he did is not something we had discussed before and honestly if we had, i would be okay with it). really when it comes down to it i think this is also an issue of jealousy towards this other person too because the person’s nude is someone still in his life. yes, i definitely understand that we’re always gonna be attracted to more than one person but i guess i have issues with trying to understand when we act and don’t act on that when in relationship; like is what he did even in the realm of fantasy?

i genuinely believe we are both caring and loving towards one another. i feel very loved by my partner and before this happened i felt very secure sexually in our relationship. i think that this has triggered some part of me and has made me question a lot and this has made me feel disconnected from him sexually. honestly, this sucks because i feel myself constantly pulling away and feeling my body tense up as a response to being hurt in this way. does this make any sense?

[Andy]

Hi there thecolorofwater,

it makes perfect sense, thank you for sharing all that. I hear that this has brought up some rough feelings for you and you don’t feel as secure sexually as you used to. It seems to me like it might be more about your own insecurities and feelings you have about your relationship rather than about this one time and specific photo your boyfriend told you about. What do you think? I wonder if taking a step back from sexual activity for some time, because that’s not something you want to do if you don’t feel good about it at the moment anyway, and thinking about ways to feel better in your relationship and body might be helpful. That can look like talking about your feelings with your boyfriend, doing activities that make you feel good about yourself like masturbation, sports or message for example, writing down your thoughts or asking your partner for support. How does that sound?

As for your question whether this still counts as fantasy or not, it is up to you how you feel about it. I personally, would still consider the "possibly attracted to another person" part as just a fantasy. The action he took was just masturbating, which is a perfectly okay thing to do no matter if one is currently in a exclusive relationship or not. He didn’t nor wanted to interact with that person at all. Does that make sense?

And lastly, it is a really good realization that you might be experiencing jealousy towards that person. That is an usual part of most relationships as well and it can certainly be managed! Here’s an article about that I think you might find helpful: Jealousy: Making Friends With a Green-Eyed Monster

[Heather]

I do want to add that I'm not so sure it's fair to count someone's masturbation as acting on sexual fantasy. What it sounds like you are more thinking about this like is as if your partner had sex with another person.

I mean, yes, masturbation is an action, but partners checking in on each other before they masturbate about what's in their heads when they are masturbating is both not something people generally have as an agreement, nor is it something I'd consider healthy to ask of someone. Masturbation is the sex we get to have by ourselves and for ourselves, whether we have partners or not, you know? We shouldn't need a partner's permission to have whatever fantasies we want when we are masturbating, nor should we need to inform them unless we want to out of a place of shared curiosity and enjoyment.

I think all of Andy's advice above is really good. Maybe it's worth thinking about what you need in order to shake off the ick of this and feel able to connect sexually again? And to give yourself as much time as you need to do that?