relationship issues

[chailover2]

hi,

this might sound awful but sometimes i feel better than my boyfriend. like more mature, a harder worker, more outgoing, more talented, etc. this sounds terrible but i feel that way even though i know for a fact it's not true, and he's skilled at things that i'm not, like we're a very good balance. in high school, i was in all the advanced classes, i did a million things outside of school, won a bunch of awards, etc, and i know none of that matters, especially because there were reasons why he couldn't do those things, but i can't help but feel that contribute to me feeling like i am just like wiser (? idk) than him. a lot of times i feel almost like his mother (ew) and that i have to tell him what to do and how he should do things. i know this is probably a control issue on my end (all of this is probably on my end) but i just don't want to feel this way anymore because i want to feel that my partner is equal to me, and i know that he is, i just don't feel that way. and it sucks for him to pick up on this. please help

[chailover2]

he says i feel like his manager or coach at times but i can't stop myself from just giving my input and trying to make his life easier/better with my advice.

[chailover2]

hi, sorry to keep adding on i just keep thinking of new things hes just a more inexperienced person like he comes from a family that didnt expose him to a lot and even tho hes rly smart i just feel like i always have to be guiding him which isnt true but that makes me feel like im wiser like i was saying. i also feel like there’s so much history in our relationship like so many rly bad arguments that i feel scarred from those. i’ve hurt his feelings so many times and he still stays with me so i think that contributes to like this feeling that he needs me (which contributes to this awful complex i have) even tho he says he chooses to be here. i feel so guilty for hurting him so much like taking out my anxiety on him but also the fact that he’s still with me makes me feel guilty. like i feel like he’s very pure and im very impure idk that’s not a great way to put it but help!

my boyfriend also says that he feels i’m one foot out the door a lot of the time. this isn’t because i hate our relationship or him bc i love him so much, i think i just have relationship anxiety and the need for things to be perfect so like maybe that’s the cause? i pick him apart in my brain which isn’t helpful or kind but it’s just like a force of habit because i think i do that to myself.

sorry there’s sooo much to unpack here. thank u for being so helpful always.

[Willa]

Hi Chailover2,
It sounds like this situation is causing you a lot of anxiety, and in turn, making you extremely hard on yourself. I wonder if you could expand on the dynamic between you and your boyfriend. Do you have a sense of why you feel like you have to manage him or offer a ton of input? For instance, do you feel like you go into problem-solving mode whenever anyone you know talks to you about an issue they're having? Or is it something specific to him or your relationship where you feel like it's something you have to do? You mention holding these same anxieties about yourself, and I was wondering if this was something you have discussed with a professional. I think it is important to consider how you are feeling and whether taking steps to personally work on your anxiety would be enough to alleviate the tension in your relationship.
I would also say it is completely normal to want a partner who is on the same level of maturity as we are, as well as the desire to have equal levels of care and support on both ends of the relationship. Sometimes we can have a lot of love for someone but incompatibilities out of our control can cause a lot of unintentional pain. What have these “bad” arguments been centered around? Have you found ways in the past to resolve these conflicts, or do you feel they are ongoing sources of tension for the two of you?

[chailover2]

I don’t have a good sense of why i feel like i have to manage him. i think i explained this reasoning as well as i could in my previous posts. i think i do problem solve a lot in my life, but not sure. yes, ive worked with a therapist for a year, but since ive been at college since august i couldn’t continue with the teleheath and am in the process of looking for a therapist in my college state. it really helped me with my anxiety so you’re right, that probably would help me to go back.

these arguments have always been instigated by me, which is why i feel like the issue in my relationship. he’s the kindest person ive ever met, so he doesn’t start issues because he usually doesn’t have any. i instigate because i get anxious about lots of stuff and that blows up into a huge fight. this isn’t happened kn awhile tho, i think the only thing that carries with me is the fact that i feel like ive always been the problem. hes told me that bc we haven’t argued like that in months, its in the past and he doesn’t let it affect our present relationship.

my issue is that i want to see him as an equal. i just feel like he has so much that he can benefit from listening to me and that i have to guide him to do the right things. idk ARGH

[Willa]

I am sorry this has been so frustrating for you! It seems like talking with someone was helpful for you in managing your anxiety, but I understand how annoying the process of finding a new therapist can be.

In regards to your anxiety instigating fights, I’m going to link a Scarleteen article that I think may be a good place to start-https://www.scarleteen.com/article/etc/anxiety_lies
Oftentimes if we can identify when we start to feel ourselves becoming overwhelmed with the same patterns of anxious thinking, we can try and use self-regulating tools to curb these emotions before they boil over into larger fights with our loved ones. People have different ways of processing emotions, and asking for more communication with your partner during these difficult moments can make it feel more like a team effort rather than one person being “the problem” or the other.

It is normal to want to help the loved ones in our lives, but setting boundaries of only offering that guidance when asked may help with the anxiety of when to step in and when to leave them to figure things out for themselves. Anxiety can make us fixate on one specific idea and focus intensely on it. What determines when someone is “equal” to you? Are these your own feelings or are these expectations that were set for you by others in your own life? It may help to reflect on the ways your boyfriend helps and improves your life, as well as all the things he has accomplished on his own.

[chailover2]

ok thank you, this was very helpful and i will read the article you linked over. i guess "equal" is determined by education, academic success, life experience/exposure. this is definitely an expectation set by my parents, and has become intertwined with my own values, but i don't know how to NOT value it or try to step away from those expectations. I know how my boyfriend improves my life and I think about his accomplishments a lot, although I feel like the past few months (coming to college) have been the only time I've seen him flourish enough to make accomplishments, and those have been few because it's only been a few months. any other advice for this?

[Latha]

Hi Chailover2,

Hmmm, try to remember that someone's worth isn't defined by your sense of their achievements. They may value different things than you do, and measure their achievements differently. And people achieve things on their own schedule.

It may be that you have more experience than your boyfriend, but he can make his own decisions. That includes the choice to stay in a relationship with you. Don't be too hard on yourself.

If you can, try to make a habit of spending time with him and doing things to show your appreciation for him in ways that don't involve fixing things for him.