I still feel lonely despite having completely resigned myself to the fact that I will never have a romantic or sexual re

[Laayiv]

I've been feeling despondent all of the time for a good few days now, after one substantial crying breakdown about how I would never find love, and I think I'm still upset about the same thing. I've accepted these facts to myself, but yet I still feel sad and lonely, and desire a happy long-term romantic & sexual relationship. How do I stop this absurdity and learn to be content with my real situation?

(I can clarify how I know that I will never find love, but it is not necessary for the time being.)

[Latha]

Hi there, Laayiv,

Oh no, I'm sorry you've been feeling so bad about all this. Don't be hard on yourself, it isn't absurd or unreasonable of you to want a long-term romantic or sexual relationship. Still, it is possible to live a complete and fulfilled life without one.

If you want to feel comfortable with this situation, I think you should try to build a life that is full of people, things, and experiences that you love for their own sake. On a personal level, you could try to work on reaching your goals, being a good friend to yourself, and developing your hobbies and skills. On an interpersonal level, you could try to build and strengthen your relationships with friends and family, and you could contribute to your community by volunteering or doing other meaningful work. Look for interesting experiences, and take time to appreciate all the little things that make you happy.

On that note, try to avoid comparing your happiness to that of people in relationships. Remember that you are not less happy than them, you are just living a different life.

All this said, remember to be open to the unexpected. Of course, that is a good position to take in general. But also, I think that as long as we live, we have the capacity to surprise ourselves. Check in with yourself every once in a while to see if your feelings on relationships have changed.

[Sam W]

Hi Laayiv,

In addition to the really good advice Latha gave, I do want to say that it's a pretty big leap at 16 to go from "I have yet to meet someone who wants to be in a relationship with me and who I want to be in a relationship with" to "therefore I should just accept that I will never find romantic love." It'd be a pretty big leap at basically any age, but especially so when you've only had a few years to even be testing the waters of romance, sex, or dating.

The majority of your life and relationships are ahead of you, not behind you, so it might be sound in these moments where you feel a lot of despair around all this that to gently remind yourself of that.

[Laayiv]

I do want to say that it's a pretty big leap at 16 to go from "I have yet to meet someone who wants to be in a relationship with me and who I want to be in a relationship with" to "therefore I should just accept that I will never find romantic love." It'd be a pretty big leap at basically any age, but especially so when you've only had a few years to even be testing the waters of romance, sex, or dating.

That's what everyone says. I so violently hate talking to people that the chances of me meeting anyone who I could mutually be interested in are just so low as to be impossible.

[Latha]

Hi Laayiv,

Do you want to talk to us about that? You don't have to like people, but hating speaking to people must make life difficult. Maybe we can think of something that will make it easier.

[Laayiv]

Hi Laayiv,

Do you want to talk to us about that? You don't have to like people, but hating speaking to people must make life difficult. Maybe we can think of something that will make it easier.

I don't know, I'll probably grow out of it. That's the best I can do.

[Andy]

Hi Laayiv,

knowing that your feelings on this may change over time can definitely be helpful, but I also like to keep in mind that time is not the only thing that can help when we feel crummy about something. Often we have the power to change things ourselves or get support/help from other people.
Let us know how can we support you around any of this, is there some specific aspect you would like to talk about/do you want to have this thread just as a place to vent/something else?

[Laayiv]

"Through this and through no other fault we fell; nor being fallen suffer any pain than this: Always without hope, in desire to dwell." Dante, The Inferno, Canto 4

[Sam W]

Hi Laayiv,

I think it might help us to get a slightly less Classics-based answer to what Andy was asking, in part because they were getting at something that might help you with the feelings you described in your initial post. Feeling isolated, feeling lonely, those things can genuinely suck and leave us pretty despairing. But they're also things where we may how more ability to influence them than we initially think. So I think parsing out whether that's something you want to brainstorm here is a sound idea.

[Laayiv]

Sorry, I wasn't trying to reply using that quote, it's just a line I know that I associate with my situation on the whole. I think I've been given all the help I can get, I think I'll be fine