complicated situation with boyfriend

[wolfishere00]

hi all, first time posting here. this is a pretty complicated situation im in, im sorry if its long. any advice or help would be deeply appreciated

so im a trans guy whose been in a LDR with my boyfriend for almost 2 years, i really love and care for him a lot.

we've been dealing with a lot of our own personal issues but we've always been there for one another and i do my best to be supportive and understanding of him. but about a week ago he suddenly told me that he wanted to break up with me since he felt like he wasnt ready to handle a relationship and he was feeling like he was losing some of what he used to feel for me. i was super heartbroken because i wasnt prepared for it at all and we were planning to see each other in person again very soon, but we agreed to still be close friends.

not long after that he then told me that he was starting to regret his decision, and that he actually just wanted space for a little while to work on his own stuff and then try the relationship again once he feels ready as long as i would still want to. i was relieved to hear this since i love him a lot and i told him i would be there for him whenever he's ready.

we've been occasionally talking since then, either casually or just to see how we're both doing (though i only answer him if he chooses to reach out first since i want to give him the space he needs), but the situation has been eating me up on the inside because im constantly worried about the possibility of him suddenly changing his mind and deciding to go through with the break up after all.

i've been wanting to ask him about it and see where he's at with all of it now but at the same time im worried that might put more stress and pressure on him, and i dont really know how i'd approach him with it since i do struggle with communication at times as well (i have been trying to work on it though and he's been encouraging me a lot to do that also). im wondering how i should go about this since im unsure what would be the right thing to do or say.

[Latha]

Hi Wolfishere00, welcome to the boards! Don't worry, this post isn't too long.

I understand why you're feeling heartbroken. Your boyfriend may be having a difficult time, but this uncertainty clearly isn't easy for you either. It is good that you are trying to be there for him without pressuring him. Just remember that your needs also deserve consideration here.

I think it would be fair to ask him if you can check in with each other at some point. This could include a conversation about how he is feeling, and what that means for your relationship. You might phrase it like this:

• Can you text me in a week or two to let me know how you're feeling?

• Could we check in in a month to talk?

You could mention that your intention isn't to put more stress and pressure on him, it is just to see how things are.

im constantly worried about the possibility of him suddenly changing his mind and deciding to go through with the break up after all.

Unfortunately, that is a possibility. Needless to say, you can't influence what he'll do, you can only think about yourself. This sort of separation from people we care about can be painful and confusing, and there is no simple remedy for that. For now, be intentional about self-care. Try to spend time on your hobbies and interests, and with other people who are close to you.

though i only answer him if he chooses to reach out first since i want to give him the space he needs

Just to make sure both of you are on the same page, I think it might be a good idea to let him know that this is why you are not reaching out to him if you haven't mentioned it already.

[wolfishere00]

hello!

thank you so much for the advice, i did just reach out to him a few moments ago and asked to talk – made sure to let him know there was no pressure or rush to do so. now im just waiting to see what he'll say. also i did tell him why i wasnt reaching out first and stuff as well.

as much as im scared of being broken up with, i'm beginning to accept the possibility of it even if i dont want it to happen. i've been doing my best to take care of myself, though it hasnt been easy due to all of the uncertainty. im really hoping once i get a clear answer it'll be easier to decide what to do going forward

thank you again :)

[Sam W]

Hi wolfishere00,

I'm glad you were able to take the step and reach out! And I think it's a really sound idea to bring yourself to a point where even if being broken up with will suck, you're ultimately okay with it being a possibility and are taking care of yourself.