In an Ace/Allo relationship?

[Glorious]

Hey friends,

My partner is asexual and I'm either allosexual or demisexual. While our relationship isn't all that new, I think we're still working out how sex fits in (or doesn't) to our relationship. I was wondering if there are any others out there in an ace/allo relationship? How do you go about talking about needs, wants, and boundaries? One thing we've established that's helpful is asking if my partner is in a good headspace before talking about or engaging in sexual activity. From my partner's end, it makes them feel really good/safe when they say "not tonight" and it's respected (which to me feels like basic courtesy). Some things we struggle with are, there have been times where it takes me longer than it shoukd to pick up on my partner's cues that they want to stop, or there have been times I've avoided bringing up sex when I wanted to because I thought they weren't in the right headspace (they've emphasized that they should be the one who makes that call).

[CaitlinEve]

Hey Glorious!

You are absolutely not alone; mixed sexuality/orientation relationships are pretty common and with the right communication & boundaries, absolutely possible and sustainable! Am I correct in understanding that your partner is not sex-repulsed? If you're having trouble picking up on non-verbal cues, it could help to make a safe word that they can use when they want out of a conversation or situation without question; safewords aren't just for active sexual activity! I know sex can be a big thing but by making it clear that their feelings and boundaries are totally okay and practicing that communication, maybe it doesn't have to feel like the big elephant in the room topic that it can be!

Something I would recommend to you is checking out the asexuality subreddit, as there are a lot of ace/allo partnerships talked about there and you could find tips from people with firsthand experience in mixed-orientation relationships like yours! Here's the link for a page with more information for you as well!

[Glorious]

Cool, thank you! Yeah, I should have specified that they aren't sex repulsed all the time, but they are sometimes (generally they just don't experience sexual attraction but are willing to engage in sex as something that I enjoy). I've also made it clear to them that if they became sex repulsed on a more permanent basis, they are absolutely able to say "never again" and I'd respect that and it wouldn't end our relationship (sex is more of a want for me than a need, I'm pretty sure I'd be okay with just sexual intimacy with myself).

I think one of the other barriers we come up against is we understand different things as sexual. They sometimes consider kissing sexual, while I don't. On the other hand, they don't consider being naked around each other sexual at all while I generally do. This probably has more to do with our experiences than the ace-allo thing, they have existed in a lot of "locker room" type settings where it's normal to be naked in front of other people. On my end, I haven't used change rooms since I came out as trans as a young teen and I'm definitely not used to being naked in front of someone else.

[KierC]

Hey Glorious,

I’m glad what Cat said was helpful! Developing on some of the advice Cat gave on how to approach some of these conversations, I want to send these two articles along:

Be a Blabbermouth! The Why’s, What’s, and How’s of Talking About Sex with A Partner
Hello, Sailor! How to Build, Board, and Navigate Healthy Relationships

As Cat said too, mixed sexuality/orientation relationships are entirely possible and quite common! It’s also common to have partnerships where each partner views different things as sexual, like you said. I know sometimes people talk about compatibility in terms of how similar partners may be, but I really think compatibility has to do more with the ability of each partner to actively listen, respect boundaries, and cultivate a safe and pleasurable space for each partner to exist in together. So, you can absolutely have a relationship where each partner has different thoughts on what is sexual, as long as you’re able to talk with your partner about how those thoughts translate into boundaries. For example, does your partner not want to kiss in public or casually because they view it as more sexual? Too, it may be a good exercise to think about what *your* boundaries are, and how you’d like to communicate that with your partner. How does that sound to you?