fantasies in partnership

[thecolorofwater]

my partner disclosed to me that they once used a picture of his ex (they’re still friends and keep in touch) to masturbate. he insists that it was just a one-time mistake and he didn’t even use it “with this specific person in mind, it was almost like watching porn”. he even admitted that he’s not proud of himself for it but he didn’t want to keep that information from me.

now, i am finding myself trying to understand what he did and why. i know that the reason he told me is because he wanted to be truthful and trusted i’d listen. still, i’m finding myself questioning everything and feeling very sad when i think about what he did. it’s not like i didn’t send him nudes and i have always been very open about desires/fantasies. i feel betrayed.

any advice or thoughts on the situation is very appreciated.

[Heather]

Hi there, thecolorofwater. I'm so sorry that you're having a hard time with this.

Generally, I think that it's common for people to still have good memories of people from past relationships, including sexual ones. Just like we might call up a happy love memory of someone from the past -- yep, even when we also love other people in the present -- we might pull up a sexual memory from the past. Same goes with fantasies: it's common for people to still have a diverse array of sexual fantasies, even when they're very happy with their real-life sexual partners and the real-life sex they are having.

Now, I'm not so sure he actually needed to tell you this, and I wonder if it might not have been better if he hadn't. After all, we all have all kinds of thoughts all the time, they are only thoughts, and we don't share all of them with everyone we're close to, you know? I suspect he probably told you because he felt bad about it for some reason and wanted to feel better for himself, and I can't help but wonder if it might not have been kinder and better for him to talk to someone about those feelings who wasn't you and whose feelings wouldn't have been so hurt.

I do want to say, though, that most people feel attracted to more than one person in the world, even when there is someone they feel very attracted to. maybe that hasn't happened for you yet, but if not, it probably will. That's not about you not sharing enough nudes or being good enough in any way, it's more that our desire for one person doesn't typically cancel out all of our other sexual feelings and interests, especially not long-term.

Can you say a little about how valued you feel in this relationship overall? Do you generally feel desired, cherished and valued? Do you generally feel secure in the sexual part of this relationship?