Freaking Out!!!!

[Opal112]

I’m Opal 111 and i forgot my password and i think i deleted my email so i made a new one!

Progress is going well, but I’ve made a huge mistake. Recently, I was searching for things on my phone about this cruise I’m going on with my cousins. When unfortunately, my tabs for my intrusive thoughts about pregnancy just POPPED up. Btw i don’t do this that much anymore I barely use safari. I begged him to not tell anyone and he said he didn’t see, but I think he’s lying so I don’t feel bad.

But, now I’m so anxious about him thinking I did something awful because all he saw was that I looked on a subreddit of r/amipregnant. I am so ashamed and disgusted and i swear he’s lying. He said he pinky swears, but…come on.

WHAT DO I DO???? I am so ashamed people outside my parents know about my OCD and it’s the worst obsession ever!!! I am so ashamed and I’m so scared he’s going to tell others and people will think I’m some weirdo freak.

[Latha]

Hello Opal! Thanks for telling us about your new account!

Having people learn something private about you can feel pretty terrifying — I’m sorry to hear that it has caused so much anxiety. I have a few questions that I want to ask to understand your situation better. Once we get a sense of that, we’ll help you plan for what you should do. Does that sound okay?

If your cousin is the sort of person who would lie just so you don’t feel bad, it sounds like he cares about you. What makes you think that he’ll judge you, or go behind your back to share this with other people? Has he acted that way before?

Questions about pregnancy are some of the most common questions we get, and for good reason. Anyone who has the kind of sex that can cause pregnancy must ask them at some point (and by anyone, I mean the vast majority of people in the world). Help me understand: if your cousin saw that you visited r/amipregnant, why would he assume that you’ve done something awful? What is so awful about asking this question? Too, given that this question is so common, why would it tell him that you have OCD?

Having OCD isn’t something you need to be ashamed of — it just means that you struggle with anxiety at times. Hardly anyone in the world goes through life without having any mental health struggles — just considering OCD, you are in the company of 8.2 million people in the US alone. All the same, I understand why you would feel that way. This is a sensitive topic, and there are people in the world with uninformed and unkind opinions about mental health — it isn’t difficult to internalise shame.

The important thing to remember is that these feelings are not telling you the truth about how you are or about how other people see you. We live in cultures that can be quite negative about sex, pregnancy, and mental health, so many people can understand and relate to your fears, even if they don’t always take the form of obsessions and compulsions.

[Opal112]

My cousin isn’t a bad person at all. In fact, he’s very chill and one of my favorite relatives to talk to. It’s why i’m so worried. I worry that he saw these vulnerable parts of mine for many reasons. One, I’m not in a relationship anymore so what reason would I have to look these things up? My mind immediately goes that ge thinks I did something awful. Second, not everyone in my family knows I have OCD. I’m very shy of telling everyone yet and I have a lot of shame behind my diagnosis.

My auntie said i should trust his words that he didn’t see, as that’s all “I can get” and I should trust him. I mean, I know him, But my brain just can’t. I don’t know if i should confess I have OCD and tell him what I searched up. Because what if he wasn’t lying? I don’t know it was my fault and I’m a idiot :,))

[mikky]

Hey Opal,
It’s cool that you have a cousin who you enjoy talking to. Rather than confessing you have OCD to try to quiet your thoughts about your cousin thinking you did “something awful,” do you think you might want to tell your cousin about what you are experiencing? It seems like you aren’t ready to do that (which is understandable), and so doing that from a confession-based place probably won’t feel great. If you two are close, though, there’s a good chance that he can sense something is up. Although it is vulnerable, if there is potential for more support from your cousin, it might be worth telling him.

[Opal112]

I told him and he said that I’m okay! He said he only pinky swears with his closest friends. I told him about my obsessions and that it’s been a thing I’ve struggled with for a while. I also said I was so anxious about it because I was also just ashamed of my disorder. Although he says he understands, I worry he’s secretly judging me. However, as my training said..I just have to believe and accept his word as it is and live with my anxiety. I do feel better, but I hope I didn’t say too much.

[KierC]

Hey Opal!

I’m so glad to see you here! I am sorry to hear that you’re feeling stressed about this, but glad you’re here for support. It sounds like your cousin respects your privacy with this, and it sounds like he takes his promises seriously. Maybe he might even be someone who could be trustworthy to talk to about some of this if you ever felt comfortable doing so, you know? How do you feel about that?

I agree with what your aunt said, too, which is that sometimes, someone’s word is all we’ll get. That kind of lines up with your training, too, right? One could dive into the anxiety and try to figure out if he’s secretly judging, *but* as you know, with OCD it’s much kinder to look at the anxious thought neutrally and to accept his words as they are.

I also want to check in about your OCD treatment. I recall last time we were looking into a way for you to access therapy. How has that process been going for you?

[Opal112]

I’m with a psychiatrist now that’s going to get me on medication after I return from this vacation I’m on. Mainly because talk therapy isn’t helping as much. No matter the words and knowing what I should do, my brain goes haywire during my exposure practiced and I can’t calm down.

And it feels like my body is against me. I don’t masturbate much anymore, but I have to force myself because if i don’t my body has a wet dream. It’s something I’m not ready for, but I have to do it.

I had it happen to me just right now early in the morning. I’m in someone else’s room and my body did a wet dream. I just spent the last two hours cleaning and I cannot sleep because I’m scared I missed something. My bathroom is shared too with my other relatives. This was after one of the best nights of my life, spending it with my relatives. I feel helpless because I am not in control of my body. It’s forcing me to progress faster than I am ready for. I think I have no hope. I’m thinking about how someone’s going to get pregnant because I didn’t clean well enough and it’s going to be all my fault. Funny thing is I was thinking before I slept, that I was really happy for once. Like that’s going to happen. I’m trying to calm down by watching shows i like, but i am so tired and I’m on the verge of passing out, but i can’t because I am scared.

My life is a joke. I am going to suffer forever. It feels like a punishment.

[Latha]

Hi Opal,

It is deeply unfair that you put in so much effort only to still struggle so much. The anxiety and fear must feel endless and unbearable — I don’t blame you for feeling helpless about your future. Retaining hope in these circumstances is a lot of work, so it’s okay if you need to take a break from trying to think optimistically for a little while. That said, I hope you won’t give up on yourself entirely.

Take a look at these Reddit threads about people taking medication for OCD. Look at the many, many people who discuss feeling so much better, even when they once felt as hopeless as you do now. That is a real possibility for you. Everyone’s body and mind are different, so it may take some trial and error to find a treatment that will work. However, you’ve made very important progress by finding a psychiatrist.

[Opal112]

Thanks for the threads. I read them overnight, and it made me a littel bit hopeful.

So i got no sleep last night… I’m so scared right now honestly. I don’t want to leave my room and I have to get ready, but I don’t want to infect things. I feel embarrassed to ask for help. I asked my parents to help calm me down, but they just texted me to not embarrass myself by looking weird asking for support. So now I feel even worse. My parents are ashamed of me too. I feel so hopeless.

[mikky]

Opal, I am so sorry that your parents aren't being supportive right now. You deserve help without getting that type of shame.
This sounds like a really hard moment, made harder because you just had such a nice night with your relatives. I hope that you can lend yourself the compassion and care that your parents should be giving you.

Could you call in some support from another relative? Perhaps without giving all the details, just that you are struggling.

[Opal112]

Thanks for your kind words <3 I’m trying to talk with my relatives like nothing happened, but I just feel really miserable..i hope no one notices because i really don’t want my relative’s last memory of me being sad (we’re leaving their home after years of not seeing them)

I’ve just accepted my fate and i’m just going to be happy the best i can be until i go home.

[HannahP]

Hi Opal. I'm so sorry you're feeling so stressed and miserable on your vacation! Would it be possible to get a moment to talk with your aunt or cousin who have been supportive? I do think that trying to focus on things that make you happy and on spending time with your family is a great idea, but it can also be good to have a backup plan in case you start to feel overwhelmed. Could talking with your cousin or aunt be your backup plan?

[Opal112]

Sorry for the late response. I was having to travel to another place, we’re on the coast now. I’ve talked and I’ve calmed down, but now it’s ANOTHER dilemma. IT KEEPS COMING AND COMING AND COMING. I don’t know what to do…here’s what I’m worrying about:

So I had the wet dream at night and i wasn’t able to go shower for the whole day because I didn’t want to wake up my family. I only was able to clean the floor of the bathroom because what if semen dripped onto the floor.I also got wipes and cleaned my penis, groinal area. i wasn’t able to go shower for the whole day when it became morning because we had to travel (6am). I had so much anxiety I didn’t sleep all night. After we got to a hotel and began to wash my body, including my genitals, in the shower. This meant I had to touch my shampoo and body wash to clean it. Another night goes by, so surely the alive semen on my bottles is dead or gone due to the water also hitting them. However, the next day, someone packed my bottles without me knowing and then they might’ve touched many things. Can pregnancy occur this way? I’m scared. I have immense anxiety to these things, so I want to be sure of any possible way pregnancy can happen it couldn’t. I’m ashamed, but i want to be sure

It doesn’t matter how much i cleaned my hands or floor. I was stupid enough to not wake up in time to pack my own toiletries and I’m going to pay the price.

I can’t enjoy my vacation anymore I just want to go home. I should’ve gotten my meds before the trip. Now, I’m just missing out on fun things. I don’t even know if this is a risk anymore!!!! I hate my life.

[KierC]

Hey, Opal <3

I’m glad that the other source of stress has eased, but I am so sorry to hear that you’re distressed about pregnancy anxiety right now. It sounds like you’re feeling a lot right now, and I can appreciate how awful it is to experience this, on vacation no less!

I want to say first, there’s no need to feel shame for having these experiences, or for talking about these feelings and asking for support. I’ve felt that way during my own OCD spirals, like it’s bad to bring up or talk about, but there is nothing bad about you for experiencing this anxiety, and also nothing bad about you for talking about it. You’re not alone here, and you’re welcome to be vulnerable and share things that make you feel scared here. We’re right here with you. <3

Having spoken with you for a bit, I can see how much the pregnancy anxiety impacts you. I am so sorry it’s happening again. Since we’ve spoken about this, though, you may remember that we can’t reassure you on this further than we have already. It’ll do more work to continue the cycle of reassurance-seeking and anxiety, you know? But, we can certainly talk about what you can do with these feelings. I see that the pregnancy anxiety started again yesterday. After you made the post yesterday evening, how did the rest of the evening go? Did you do any soothing or restorative activities to try and help these feelings? Too, how are you feeling today?

[Opal112]

You’re right. I’m sorry for bringing it up. I keep trying to reassurance seek because to be honest the anxiety of the unknown has become so intense it’s the only thing that keeps me calm.

Though other than that, I just listened to my favorite music and watched my shows to calm down. It wasn’t much, but it was something..

Today I am on my own enjoying the place we’re at…a cruise! My parents don’t really enjoy my activities, so i’m doing them on my own. Kind of lonely but it helps.

I’m just gonna ask though, does it get easier? I can’t imagine these thoughts ever going away..even with meds. I don’t know anymore :,) i am still having fun but the worries still linger. I am aware i keep getting worse, but i’m barely keeping some resemblance of hope.

[HannahP]

Hi Opal!

I understand how tempting it is to ask for reassurance and how it feels like it's the only thing that can help. But I also know that you know that reassurance is only a temporary relief. You are doing so great by seeking out your favorite things to distract you and enjoying your time on your trip! What kinds of activities are you doing?

I don't have any experience myself with taking medication for OCD or anxiety, but I can tell you that I always find that when I'm in the middle of a strong emotion, it feels like I will always feel that way, that intensely, about that thing forever. And every time I am surprised to find that after some time has passed (sometimes a lot of time, but sometimes only a little time), those thoughts and feelings fade away. Sometimes all it's taken is time, sometimes I've needed to grow or change in some way, and sometimes I've needed help to process those feelings and learn new tools to change the way I understand the situation. But if there's one thing I know for sure, it's that living things like us are always, always changing.