can't tell if the guy i like is into me or just acts weird with me

[partypoison9]

This is a really stupid thing, but whatever, for a bit of context, I'm (16 FTM) autistic and have a BAD time with tone and social cues. I struggle with socializing and have all my life, but I've been pushing myself and joined a group where I meet other teens/kids. Now I work there (volunteer rn) and work with a lot of kids, and this has of course led to relationships. Most of these are platonic, but I really like this guy (a couple months younger, 15M) but I cannot for the life of me tell what he's trying to get from me. He sees me as a girl, mind you, as I'm not out of the closet
He doesn't talk to many other people-- 2 adults he sees as role models, and one younger kid & her friend group (idk if they're related or know each other outside of the space or something). The group has, like, social hours, but he typically just wanders around alone, he and I see each other several times a week though. I know the way he acts with other people, he tries to be funny lol, and it's kinda charming atp, but yeah he's a little different with me
One day recently, he came up to me out of the blue and just started talking, which he doesn't usually do especially with people his age. He showed me a bunch of memes and somehow it went sexual idek how that happened, he decided to outright show me a random-ass meme that said "i dreamt i f__ked you last night" and i did not know how to react. He wouldn't do that in front of anyone else tho lmao, he knows better. Then he went through his search history while sharing his screen with me, said "Yeah there's nothing bad in here, I wouldn't do that on my family computer!!" and I still did not know how to react to that, he said he did not mean what I thought he did but... idk about that, he kept making a lot of innuendo..
He was giggling the entire time we talked, I didnt even say anything funny so... he also really made an effort to keep that conversation alive, it went over the social hour until we got kicked out lol, idk. Before that the only other time we talked one on one he got shy and embarrassed, giggled, and said "bye!!" and then RAN away Today (since I work at this place) I had to run a group so i couldn't hang out with him alone but he was kinda lurking around the space I was at so idk if he was just too shy to like... come in where the other people were and talk. People tell me I'm really oblivious but I don't know if this is all just wishful thinking, especially cause i don't think I'm that attractive or easy to talk to. like i said this is dumb as hell but it's bothering me </3

[Andy]

Hi partypoison9, and welcome to the boards!

I don’t think this is dumb at all, firstly even just because it is clearly hard for you and also because I don’t see anything dumb about wondering what someone, and especially someone who you are into, thinks about you and if the feelings are mutual. That is a very common and understandable experience to have, so don’t feel bad for struggling with this at all.

As for whether he likes you or not, and in what way, this is unfortunately something we can’t tell you. There is only one person who can and that is him. People can act in many different ways for many different reasons so it is not as much about "reading the hints right" but rather just about communicating openly.

That said, from what you have said it definitely sounds like he is interested in talking with you and maybe getting closer. From what I’ve gathered, it sounds like you would be interested in pursuing romantic relationship with him too, do I get that right?

First off, I just want to check if I get it right that you two know each other from the place where you work? Are there any rules or guidelines about relationships between staff/volunteers and clients? I’m asking because while there is no law prohibiting those, they can often pose some ethical concerns. I’m not saying there is already no chance for you to be in a relationship with him, just that it might be something to chat to your supervisors about.

As for your interactions, were you comfortable with him showing you the sexual memes, if not, would you feel comfortable telling him that?

That was a lot so I will stop there. But we can certainly talk about how you could approach talking to him about your feelings or what the fact you are in the closet might mean for you in this situation, or about anything else you need<3

[partypoison9]

Hey, thanks for the response.
Yeah, I like him, and there’s nothing saying we can’t be together or anything since I’m still a youth attendee there who just happens to do leadership work with them, and he’s not significantly younger or anything so we’re fine.

The sexual jokes and memes were fine like it didn’t bother me, I’m just really confused about where it came from, like we’ve barely spoken so it’s just weird to me that he’d show me that and, considering my open work position, trust that I wouldn’t snitch on him to a guide or something for doing that in the first place

I wasn’t really specific I guess about this, I just don’t know what to do when it comes to talking to him, like should I reciprocate the way he acts or should I keep letting it go in one ear and out the other, and also if things do escalate, how the hell I’d come out as trans cause I hate that conversation and I don’t want to ruin things between us. There’s a couple other factors with that. Idk

[Sofi]

Hi partypoison9. I do agree it's a big strange to send those without having ever discussed that topic first. Even if it didn't make you feel uncomfortable, it's not great to send or show people sexual memes who we haven't established the kind of relationship with where it's clearly okay to talk about something like this, especially the meme you mentioned. So just for you to keep in mind, whether he likes you or not (which as Andy mentioned, only he can answer), showing someone a sexual meme is not a great way to show it.

That aside, you don't need to reciprocate how someone acts, especially if it isn't natural to how you would act. Do you feel like you're comfortable enough with him to just be yourself?
Talking to him about being trans is a conversation we can talk about. First I'm curious why you say you hate that conversation - has it gone wrong in the past with someone else, or is it just that it's uncomfortable to talk about?
The right person wouldn't react in a negative way and this wouldn't ruin things between you and them. So whether it's him or someone else, if you tell someone you're trans and it ruins things between you, that's not someone you want to be with anyway, you know?

[partypoison9]

Yeah, it was a bit odd, but I don't think he meant it maliciously, he's a bit awkward so I think (based off the way he acts with others) he was just trying to be funny, I guess for some reason he is comfortable around me

I feel comfortable around him to be myself-- I usually am when we talk. I just overthink a lot in social scenarios, I always screw up/misread/whatever it and it ends up weird.
I hate the conversation because it has gone badly in the past, people have been upset with me over it, and it's uncomfortable and scary to have. I can't tell what his opinions are on it all, he gives me such insane mixed signals-- he talks about guys a lot and makes comments about boyfriends/being a femboy but idk if he means it or just thinks he's funny it does come up a lot though. I know that logically nobody who gets mad at me for being trans is someone I want to be around, but i'm deathly scared of losing all my relationships (be it friends, family, or whatever).

[mikky]

Hey partypoison,
That makes sense- sometimes, when folks are a little awkward or unsure how to approach a specific type of social relationship, they can be a bit unboundaried without thinking it through or meaning any ill intent. Hope you feel empowered enough that if you were uncomfortable, you could ask for him (or anyone) to not engage in that kind of conversation while you were at work.

I am glad you feel comfortable around him to be yourself! That's so great. Overthinking is tough- I get that way in social scenarios too, and I know how hard it can be to find a balance between getting comfortable and also trying to appropriately read a situation.

I'm really sorry that telling others about being trans has gone badly. That is absolutely scary and upsetting, and not something you deserve. That fear of losing others is so real, and I wish you didn't have to face that

Those do sound like some confusing mixed signals from him-- and trying to figure out if someone is making jokes or is being genuine is hard. Could you try asking him direct questions in response to those types of comments- like, "do you mean that as a joke?" or "I'm trying to understand your feelings about queerness when you say that, and I'm pretty confused. Could you tell me more?"

[partypoison9]

Yeah, i would say something if it was truly a lot or a bother, as I said he's just a little awkward and tends to just act without thinking too much.

I hate starting conversations tbh, I tend to actively avoid people, especially the ones i WANT to talk to, which ends up blowing up in my face.

And yes, as ive said like i know in reality i dont want transphobes/people who hate me in my life but I don't want to be all alone either. it's kinda stupid i guess but like yeah.

Yeahh it's really weird, I thought for awhile that since he talks about it so much, there had to be some kinda truth behind it, but IDK, and we've never had an actually serious conversation so I'm scared to bring it up, if that makes sense? I don't want to scare him off, cause if it gets too much he gets nervous and like... acts out, and everything right now is really delicate. Idk how to be a human, communicating verbally is hard

[char]

Hey partypoison9,

Jumping in to say that I hear you as a fellow autistic person, and I second everyone else's comments on navigating this. It's completely understandable that you're confused about how he's been approaching you and worried about his thoughts on queerness (and queer people as a whole). And starting conversations is never easy! But the fact that he's been quite open with you, and that you've been able to be yourself with him, does give me a relief, which sounds to me he'll likely be more receptive of your questions than you think.

This may sound cliche, but here it seems like the best way to proceed is to let the question find its way to the convo next time the two of you talk. Instead of outright approaching him first, which can be daunting, you may want to ask him after he starts talking to you. Also, do you communicate with him outside of work through text, the group chat for volunteers and folks who come to the group, or something of the like?

[partypoison9]

Hey, sorry its been awhile, and sorry to bring this back up.

I've started talking to them again, we talked about queer stuff, turns out they're also trans so i guess I'm not completely screwed, crazy! We talk on discord now, since as i said, with my work thingy i'm just seen as an ordinary kid who attends the stuff, who just so happens to do leadership work as well with them. So yeah I guess things have got better with that.

Thanks for everything, it genuinely helped me to open up

[char]

Hi there! No worries at all, thanks for updating us. I'm happy to hear that things are going well between the two of you. As always, if you need help with navigating this relationship, we're here!