Am I a lesbian experiencing comphet or bisexual?

[Queerbookworm]

Hi! As you can tell from the title, I’m confused about my sexuality. I’ve known I was queer since I came out as bisexual over six years ago, but since then I feel a shift has happened. I identify as queer as of right now. This isn’t the first time I’ve questioned if I’m a lesbian or not, but I never feel as if I get closer to knowing for sure whenever I question it. I know I’m romantically and sexually attracted to women, although I scarcely think of them sexually unless I like one or am in a relationship with one. I… I don’t have to “force” myself to think of having sex with a woman to think about it, but it happens rarely and if ever under oddly specific, nonsensical circumstances. However, with men… I think of them sexually. I think of them “by default”, and I think I like it? It’s purely sexual and to get myself to orgasm. I can’t tell if I actually want to have sex with them at all. I might think of having sex with my guy friends, but I know that I don’t actually like them and I “forget” about them days after (in that sense). Rarely, if ever, I think of them romantically. I find them attractive, mostly ones that are unobtainable in some shape or form. I like guys, I find some celebrities handsome and attractive, I have guy friends, but I don’t know if I’d want to date one. I can see myself dating and being in a relationship with someone that isn’t a man though, I have no doubt about that. Last time I liked a woman—around a year ago—I solely thought of her. Of women. I barely gave men a second thought. And thus I started to identify as a lesbian. When we broke up, I immediately went back to thinking of men, specifically sexually. I don’t know if it’s because what’s “safe and normal” or because I was “restricting” myself from thinking about men during that period of time (I identified as lesbian because of how I felt). I’ve also felt that “well wouldn’t I know if I was lesbian?” And the “Well perhaps I haven’t found the right guy? Maybe I do genuinely like them?” And such. My “love” has definitely been, if it isn’t still conditional for men. I have high standards, whereas for women, the bar is way lower. I have standards but they’re not as high as with men. The whole idea of conforming to society’s idea of love, marriage and sex, especially when with a man is repulsive to me. I think it might be different with women?
I want to say I’m bi for “safety” since I don’t know if I’m not, I still think about men in some way too, but also I don’t want to be wrong about being a lesbian. I don’t know if either label fits feel right—I mean I know have time to figure it out, but it’s also frustrating not knowing for certain. Part of me just want to label myself bi or remain labeling myself as queer because of how I think of men sexually still. I’m sort of lost and it’s annoyingly draining to constantly question it.

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards.

You know, I find that if you can let go of the idea that there is EVER a once-and-for-all with any aspect of our identities, especially one as fluid as our sexual identity can tend to be, and instead see words you use as ways of describing yourself in and for the present, this gets a lot easier.

If it helps, in my 54 years of existence, both due to the fact that frameworks and terms have changed, and due to my changing feelings, I have identified myself both as nothing at all (before I even had words for it), bisexual, pansexual, omnisexual, as a dyke, and as queer, the last of which has likely stuck the longest of all because it is the least restrictive of them and tends to fit any shift in how I feel and who I find myself attracted to. And sex and sexuality is my job, so I feel safe saying that if anyone could know these things for sure and forever, it'd be someone like me. Alas, that's just not how identity tends to work for people who don't just attach themself to standard-issue-straightness their whole lives (and many of those people have attractions outside that framework).

It sounds like you want some words that feel like they fit for you. Let's say that you acknowledge what I am hearing as some things you know about yourself right now and so far:
• you are sexually and romantically attracted to women
• you find some men physically appealing and are into the idea of sex with them, but so far only in fantasy
• you struggle with some ideas that come from comphet, like the idea that there is a "right man" out there for folks who ID as women to be attracted to and if they find him, then shazam: they'll suddenly be attracted to men
• you have so far identified yourself as queer, but are thinking about identifying as lesbian

Knowing and looking at all that, what feels like it would feel most true for you in this moment, and also feel GOOD for you? Don't think too hard about it, just try and go with your gut.

[thelabrat90]

I'm asexual, and I think you could really benefit from reading Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex by Angela Chen. Not because you're asexual, but the way you describe all the moving parts of your desire, your arousal, and your fantasies? This book is ALL about that, because in the ace community, we talk a lot about the difference between sexual attraction, libido, sex drive, how we might be sexually attracted to fictional characters but not real life people, or how we might imagine another person fucking our fantasy person in lieu of ourselves.

That was a big tangent, but like...you can still be a lesbian even if you sexually fantasize about celebrity men. Just like I'm still asexual even though I sexually fantasize about fictional men. What Heather said about what feels most true for you in the moment is great advice, and like [correction: they] said, sexual identity is fluid. Maybe you'll decide to identify as bi after all. But your questioning if you're bi is heavily based on the assumption that a true lesbian doesn't experience ANY sexual or romantic attraction towards men, whether celebrity or regular Joe. I think your constant questioning is based on a lot of cause-and-effect assumptions. "I think of men sexually to get my rocks off, so is it possible this means I'm romantically attracted to guys as well? Since romance and sex must be paired, perhaps I just have a lot higher standards for them?" and maybe you do! Maybe you genuinely do have higher standards for men, and someday you'll mean a guy you fall in love with romantically. But romance and sex isn't always paired, (split attraction model that's common in aspec communities). You can think of guys as great fun material for your fantasies, enjoying the romanticized masculine sexuality and not give a shit about the regular men you meet in your life because you're not attracted to actual masculinity. Your high standards could very well be you enjoying a romanticized ideal of a man, while you're much more drawn to the natural flaws and humanity of a woman. And that's fine. You can still be a lesbian.

I don't want to imply there's NO WAY you could be bisexual. But ask yourself if bisexual is a label feels good to you, or you're trying to find a label that fits the symptoms you're presenting. Sexuality isn't a medical diagnosis, it's a roaring force of nature, and contradictions are allowed to exist inside you. Focus on what makes you feel happy in your skin, as Heather said, and if you feel stressed out by the questioning, that's a sign you're trying to solve yourself like a math problem. Keep the math problems far, far away, and keep your contradictory, nuanced desires that exist in multiple overlapping realms very, very close

I'm aromantic and asexual but I desire a queer partnership, preferable with someone who's also queer because for me, dating a cishet guy makes me want to vomit! but in my sexual fantasies? it's allll men. Wonderful, problematic men who've got a lot of stuff wrong with them, and if a real life man ever exist, that's a sign my life has gone seriously wrong and I'm about to experience the torment of a toxic relationship. There's so, so many different types of attraction, and they can co-exist inside you.

[Queerbookworm]

Hi Heather!
Thank you for your reply. Sorry for not having responded earlier. I sort of get your point about letting go and kind of going with the flow, so to speak. It sounds like you know where I’m coming from—about the whole questioning your sexuality throughout your life. However, I am someone that likes to be certain of who they are. I get the freedom there is in not having or using a label, but it’s frustrating not knowing precisely who you are attracted to simultaneously. It’s difficult for me to figure that out really—what feels right. I’ve never been or done anything remotely romantic or sexual with anyone in my entire life. Which doesn’t make it easier. On one hand, the bi term (which I’ve identified as before) / the queer term feels right because it seems like I’m attracted to everyone? Or could be, potentially. On the other hand, I don’t know… My lack of attraction for men romantically makes me think otherwise. But then again I think of them sexually. I’ve been thinking recently bi or queer? Because if I was a lesbian, would I truly get any sexual thoughts about men and act on them? I’m trying not to overthink it too much and go with my gut but it’s hard to do so.

[Heather]

I actually have rarely questioned my sexuality through my life, it's more than over time, some subtle -- and occasionally not so subtle -- shifts have happened or the overall language has changed and I have just gone with it. That said, I also have never been bothered by not knowing things about myself or anything else, and because this is the arena I have worked in for so long and started in so relatively early, I also knew pretty early in that who we are attracted to is one of those things we just really can't figure will ever be all that predictable.

The post for thelabrat90 was approved after your last post, but I think they added a lot of good advice and food for thought for you. That includes something I was going to say in response to this last post from you:

"Lesbian" generally just means someone who is themselves woman-identified and who is solely OR mostly attracted to others who also identify as woman. The far poles of orientation in this kind of model, where gay/lesbian and straight are at opposite ends, have always encapsulated that solely or mostly space, and there are a whole lot of people for whom the "mostly" is the case, rather than the solely. We know from sex research that people who are truly ONLY, in a whole lifetime, attracted to either people of their same gender or of what they consider their "opposite" gender are very, very rare. So, no, identifying as a lesbian, if and when that feels right for you, doesn't have to mean you are only, ever, attracted to women. That identity is more about where your attraction is primarily focused or centered.

These words are ultimately for you, not for anyone else, so the best bet is often just to try using one for a while and seeing how it feels, and continuing to try others until you find what feels like a fit (for however long it does). If it's stressing you out, then I'd suggest that you're coming to this in a way that isn't serving you. Perhaps think about it more like what words you use to describe what kind of friend you are, or what you want to focus your work life on, or what describes the way you eat. This is only one of so, so many aspects of your identity, so just giving it a shorthand name that only ever needs to be for now shouldn't be something that is a huge deal, IMHO. <3

[Queerbookworm]

Hi Heather & thelabrat90!
I’m sort of new to this website (hence the newbie title lol) but that also means I’m not sure if I’m actually replying to either of you… but I hope I am. Here goes:
Thank you both for talking this through with me. It makes it easier even if it’s a difficult conversation—if you can call it that. I had to read over a time or two your response Heather, however I reckon I get your point. There’s no one way, if you will, to be a lesbian. Or there is, but— I mean, you get the point… if that was the point you were trying to make? Like maybe taking a step back to… focus on other things is a good idea? Not to completely erase or ignore any of it, but go with the flow? Like, there’s so much more to me than who I like and who I don’t like romantically and sexually and there’s no time frame for me to figure it all out, right here, right now kind of thing.
Thelabrat90, it’s sort of ironic you mention being asexual, because I used to identify as demisexual ages ago. But asexuality specifically, that’s something I’ve been questioning throughout this year and last year if I were too. The thought of actually having sex, in real life, at times, makes me feel awkward. Sometimes I even feel repulsed by it. Granted, that doesn’t have to mean I am asexual or on the ace spectrum. Anyway, that’s slightly off topic- thank you for your reply. The book you mentioned is funnily enough on my tbr, so I do want to make it a point to read it this year. I really get what you’re saying and where you’re coming from, you have good points. Like it isn’t black and white, as I’m making it out to be. I’m sorry if I’m not saying a whole lot to your comment- I want to, I’m sort of at a loss for words. Dare I say you took the words out of my mouth?
I really felt your reply is what I’m trying to say, I can see myself in a lot of what you’ve said and/or felt.
Good thing I don’t like math because that gives me even more reason to stray from that. It’s a lot of thinking and overthinking on my part where I forget to focus on what’s happening in real life, so to speak.
I think why I am in such a haste to put a label on myself is to feel security, like without a label I’m not sure enough of who I am. And thus I go in a spiral of “well this surely means I’m this or that”, “well because of this I must be this and that’s that”, just very… not a good way to go about something as delicate as this.
I don’t know if this is rude—I apologize in advance if it is—but I did find it funny about your comment about dating a cishet guy. It made me laugh and I feel the same way.
Ah, I’m sorry. It’s late for me right now, I have a lot of thoughts swirling in my head and… yeah, thank you both for taking the time to read my post and to give me your thoughts, I appreciate it.