oh my dear goodness

[goofball]

so i've always been okay with the idea of liking girls. it's never been weird to me, and i'm very thankful i'm in a supportive enough environment that this is the case. i've liked girls since i was like 9, but never really liked guys much. i like how some of them look when i see them in media, but ive never felt the same about them. they're okay, i guess. my first 'boyfriend' was a 13 month situationship. i'm not even sure if i ever liked him, honestly. i liked that he was nice to me. but anytime i remembered i was dating a guy, i became a bit.. uncomfortable. and the label lesbian feels right, but every time i refer to myself as one, i feel like i'm not ACTUALLY a lesbian, because i have male celebrity crushes. and i still feel attraction to nonbinary people and some masc people, and my partner recently came out as trans. i don't love them any less because of it. i tried talking to my friends about this, but they were all confused upon learning that i havent considered myself a lesbian all along. i don't hate the idea of dating a guy, but i don't think it'd ever be a good relationship and i know i'll never marry one. i know that labels don't matter, and i don't need to worry about it, but i feel uncomfortable without a label. i've been using the label omnisexual for about 5 years now, but it doesn't feel right anymore. plus i'm not sure i'm even a girl, so am i even allowed to use that label?? i told myself that i would figure out who i was outside of my sexuality before trying to figure that out, and now i mostly have (at least as much as i can at this point in my life) so now it just kinda feels like a part of me is missing. anyway, i'm not really sure what my main question is here, so please anyone just offer what you can. thank you <3

[CaitlinEve]

Hi goofball, welcome to Scarleteen!

Right away, I want to mention that while you say labels don't matter and you don't need to worry about them, if you feel uncomfortable without a label then it does matter and that's okay! Some people prefer being labeled, and that isn't any more or less valid than preferring not to be labeled.

With that out of the way, if you feel like the label lesbian feels right then there's nothing wrong with using it. Lesbianism has been described many different ways, but I think the description most accurate to you would be 'the sexual/romantic attraction to non-men'. This can and does include masc-presenting and non-binary people, and even being attracted to men (especially fictional men!) is normal. And if in the future, you find that lesbian as a label just doesn't feel right (like how omnisexual doesn't anymore), that's okay too. Sexuality can be fluid, or you may find a definition you vibe with more, or you might understand yourself more in the future; all of these are valid reasons.

[Asking Queries]

Hi goofball,

As a nonbinary trans girl/lesbian/person (all three of those are genders for me), I’d like to chime in to say that I’ve also wondered about how being a lesbian relates to gender, who can use the label, etc, and that I agree with what CaitlinEve said. I’d also like to say that throughout history (that is, not just now), lesbianism has intersected with trans masc/trans men and nonbinary and androgynous genders. I can find info on that if you’re interested, it would be nice to have an excuse to research it .
I’d also like to say that I’ve experienced the feeling towards guys of “they’re ok, I guess”, in case it helps to hear that someone else has experienced that. I use the label of bisexual/lesbian, but that’s because of one instance in which I felt like using the label of lesbian wouldn’t fit how I felt I related to the person I was crushing on. I think it can be hard (although I don’t want to say that this is necessarily part of what you’re feeling) to deal with a culture, including a lot of things said by and stuff made by lesbians, that makes being lesbian so focused on “girls/women are pretty and cool and we want to date them” — not because we necessarily think that’s untrue, but because our identities of gender and who we’re attracted to don’t fit completely into that message.

I realize that’s a lot of words, so I’ll stop here. I hope this helps.

- AQ

[Jacob]

Just to add another voice, I think you can pretty much use whichever terms feel right to you, when it comes to describing your own sexuality, and that includes lesbian. You're also allowed to combine terms however you like, even if someone on the outside might find those words contradictory contradictory, but for you just aren't. There's also going to be times when you feel more and less part of communities that use the same words, and so you might adjust, but it'll still be up to you.

I know plenty of people who experience similar things to you who would describe themselves as "bisexual lesbian" where the "bi" part doesn't have to mean "two genders" but can often describes being 'between' any multiple definitions or social roles. I'm happy to talk more about that if you like!