roller coaster for my feelings

[PomPom]

for the past few months i started thinking (and trying to convince myself) that i’m straight, i wanted to see how it will sit with me, and all this stuff. it was okay, and i almost accepted that i AM straight, i even started talking to boys and all this stuff. and then a girl appears in my life. we’ve met each other at theater club in our college, but after some time we both stopped going there, and we just see each other sometimes in the hallways. and at first, when we were meeting at theater club i felt nothing. then at some point when we met in the hallway, she hugged me and told me that i’m “pretty as always” i feel this slight dizziness, like pleasant one. then it happened again. i thought that i just like her attention, the compliments, i’m pretty much an attention seeker myself. but then, at one day, she came to me in the cafeteria, hugged me and we had a small talk. i felt my heart flutter and my cheeks went slightly hot. i spent a whole evening thinking about it, and i thought that i might be bisexual, and i might like her, somehow, someway. then every time we see each other, or i think that it’s her in the hallway, my heart beats like crazy, really, different from before. at first i thought that i’m head over heels, but after a few days it hit me, this crazy beating of my heart it’s fear and shame. i feel it every time when someone sees my drawings or some other work that i don’t like, and i’m afraid that they’ll judge me. and i don’t know what to think. i feel like i’m straight, i felt like i’m straight, i don’t want to build family with a woman, i don’t want to have sex with a woman, but i felt dizziness from her touch and words, and then i felt fear. i don’t know what to think about it, and i can’t help but think about it all the time, i would like to hear your opinion on this

[Sofi]

Hi PomPom. I noticed that you have written to us about this topic several times, and most of those times when we reply with more info, questions, and/or resources, the thread ends there. Before anything else here, I wanted to check if you had a chance to read all our replies in the past, so I don't repeat myself or send you a resource you already read. Truly, my answer won't be any different than everyone else's has been - sexuality is not "all or nothing", and you don't have to label it (and if you do, it's okay for that label to change over time). Too, I notice some perhaps internalized homophobia in your sentences like not wanting to build a family with a woman, despite having had romantic feelings for women in the past. Is that something you'd want to talk about, dismantling those feelings of shame and guilt?