What is Lesbianism Really?? Drop Your Confusion Below <3

[Anya]

Hi folks,

I've been noticing a lot of people talk about feeling attraction to women/non-men recently and feeling confused about what to call it. As someone with extensive experience being confused about my own attraction I thought I'd share some things with y'all and see if anyone resonates or wants to add!

In 2018 I came out as bisexual. This was the first year I had even heard that term and eager to explore my sexuality for the first time, I jumped at the opportunity to label myself.

In 2020 I did a major gender/sexuality remodel (shout out below if you did too). This was spurred by reading the Lesbian Master Doc (LMD readers also give a shout below) and was my introduction to the concept of compulsive heterosexuality. Comp-het is a term used to describe the phenomenon of false attraction resulting from the cultural expectation of heterosexuality. This made a lot of sense to me as someone just basking in the warm glow of my attraction to women and non-men.

After Identifying as lesbian for a long time I started to develop feelings for men again. This was SCARY because to me at the time, it meant the end of my claim over the title of lesbian and all of the community spaces it gave me access to. I thought, "well the literally definition of lesbian is someone who has no attraction to men" and because I did, that I must then give up the all my queer spaces and connection with the word.

Its been several years since this, and now when people as me my sexual orientation I usually just say I like who I like. When I date women I sometimes say im a lesbian or just gay because that feels true and genuine, when I date men I usually remain open to all genders and might name drop pansexuality or general queerness, and when I date other non-binary people it does depend on the vibes but its pretty much just super gay lol.

Since allowing myself to be much more open to complexity and nuance in my experience I've felt much more comfortable in my relationships. Do others have similar experiences or ways they've been able to help themself out of an orientation rut?

Drop down below your experiences with shifting orientations, alternative terms you use, LMD readers, 2020 identity spring cleaning experiences, ways you self-validate, or anything else!

[Heather]

I thought, "well the literally definition of lesbian is someone who has no attraction to men" and because I did, that I must then give up the all my queer spaces and connection with the word.

Thanks for bringing this topic up, Anya!

I do just want to say that that actually isn't the definition of lesbian, and while some people think it is, as I was just saying to another user the other day, that's not actually how homosexuality (and then, secondarily, heterosexuality) frameworks were constructed historically. Instead, homosexuality was defined as someone who only OR MOSTLY found themselves attracted to people of the same gender. From a sexology standpoint, these both were never defined as who people were NOT attracted to, but as who they were, and they also were not defined as being about people only ever, in a whole lifetime, being attracted to people of a certain gender.

[Asking Queries]

Hi Anya!

I also did a major gender and sexuality remodel in the ‘20s (2020s…), so we’ve got that in common

When I first came out, it was a lesbian, which I defined as exclusive attraction to women (note, I agree with what Heather said — I was a baby gay and my thinking/knowledge on lesbianism has changed a ton). Then I got a crush on a nonbinary boy, and I decided that it both wasn’t respectful to their gender or indeed reflective of how I was feeling to call myself a lesbian, so I changed the label to bisexual. Now I use bi/lesbian, to express that I feel like I both have the identity of lesbian (with the expectation of attraction to women and nonbinary people) but also of bisexual in that I’m attracted to more then just women and nonbinary people — it’s logistically helpful to not have to explain my whole deal, especially to people I might be attracted to.
I think it’s interesting that even since realizing I was bisexual, I still am not generally attracted to men/boys or have any crushes on them, except for the crush on the nonbinary boy I mentioned earlier.
There’s also a significant degree to which I identify with lesbian as a gender, so for me it’s both a gender and a sexuality.

Side note: I’m a trans girl, so I have a particular experience of comphet that we might not share.

Here’s the definition of lesbian that I use: “a lesbian is a person who is primarily attracted to women and/or nonbinary people (including transmasc people), and not attracted to men to significant degree.” I used to include trans men in the definition of who lesbians are attracted to, but after a discussion with a trans boy friend who told me about the difference (as he sees it) between being transmasc and being a trans man, I decided to remove them.

For other terms I use, I think Sapphic is nice as an umbrella term, and I’d be happy to be called a sapphic.

- AQ

PS: I have some reservations about the Lesbian Masterdoc, but I figured I should leave them for another message if you’re interested.