i wish something could fix me

[Caina]

in the last three months or so, a lot has shifted. i recently started thinking about sex and stuff a lot more, which i figured was normal because of my age and how im growing but it started getting to the point where i would talk and think about it too much, and it scaring off or concerning some of my friends.

a little over two weeks ago i remembered, for the first time ever as far as i know, a memory of me being sexually assaulted, but it feels so fake. For one, i'm a trans girl and even though i know boys/amab people (i was very young at the time) can be sa'd i dont understand why it would have happened to me given the circumstances. and also, i dont remember the abuse itself, only the events that lead up to it, and the events after..

The only reason i believe it happened is just because of how i'm acting right now. i've tried initiating sexual activities with adults online by lying about my age and both times i felt gross and manipulative. and i don't wanna do this but i feel like i have to

twice now i've had upsetting dreams about being raped, and i know for a fact they weren't flashbacks of memories or anything but if anything that made it worse. one time, before i remembered anything even, i used the RAINN chat thing to talk about the potential of me having been sexually assaulted and it was sort of helpful but ever since that night i've been worried by the burden of the fact that i have sexual trauma and i have to live with that.

I just wanna figure out why I'm like this... i don't think anything has happened more than once or twice maximum. and need to know how i can stop being like this, and maybe how i can find a safe and healthy sexual relationship with someone my age instead of trying to seek it out in places that could be dangerous for me.

sorry if this post was a lot or against the rules. i tried checking all the rules beforehand

[Sam W]

Hi Caina,

This sounds like a really tough combination of feelings and memories to be dealing with. I think it might help to divide this situation into two parts, then figure out how to address them from there, because it seems like there are a few overlapping issues that are making it all even trickier to deal with. So, I'm going to start with some questions and then we can go from there.

The first would be the question of the memory that's resurfaced; when you say it feels fake, can you say a little more about why? And when you think of the events leading to it and the events after it, do those feel realistic to you?

The other big concern I hear you having is with putting yourself into potentially dangerous sexual situations. You mention that it feels at times like it's something you have to do rather than something you want to do. Would you say it feels like a compulsion at times? Or is it more that you feel like you need to do it in order to get something you need or want?

[Caina]

Hi, thank you for responding

I guess it feels fake because I'm scared to come to terms with the fact that I could have been sexually assaulted before. The memories that i have leading up to it feel real in some ways, but they also feel sort of blurry and there's parts I can't remember well, such the face of anyone involved.

Also i think putting myself into maybe dangerous situations is kind of both. I feel like i have to do it even though i don't always want to. Sometimes I do want to do it, but for the most part it feels like a compulsion

[Carly]

Hey Caina -- I want to first start by validating your experience of having some recall difficulties around what did/might have happened. I feel comfortable sharing with you that I experienced childhood sexual assault and I, too, often feel like it feels "fake" when I remember it. And though I do remember what happened in at least a few specific incidents and know exactly who is was involved, I also remember what happened before and after much more easily. I've learned that this is very common amongst people who have experienced this.

It sounds like a lot of things are happening at once -- you're uncovering these memories, you're having disturbing dreams, and you've been experimenting sexually in a way that is not making you feel good. Can you explain a little bit more about how you lying about your age online is validating your memories of being assaulted? There is no wrong or right answer here at all, I'm just hoping to learn more about how these things are linking up for you emotionally.

When you say you feel like you have to do this, what do you mean by "have to"? Were you on a site or in an online space that was age-restricted? Or, was it a situation where you were seeking something particular and you weren't sure if you could have it otherwise?

[Caina]

Hi. First of all, sorry about taking so long to respond to this. I was trying to write a response last night but I was really struggling to and then i got upset and then i fell asleep.

I am diagnosed with some kind of dissociative disorder. I've been working on it a bit with my therapist, so memories of mine being buried and blurred aren't completely new to me. However it still feels really fake. maybe that's apart of all of that.

I think the reason I feel about lying about my age is validating it is because I don't think i would act out like this is if it weren't for some kind of sexual trauma. The most notable time was when I lied to a friend who was 18 years old saying I was the same age as her so that I could enter a sexual relationship with her. I came clean a couple hours later, and she has since forgiven me and I've tried to be more honest but i still feel really bad about that.

And several times I have lied about my age in order to access age restricted websites or groups. It's something I want, I guess. I like sex and I like thinking about it and doing it and talking about it but I don't really have any other outlet for it other than being weird and flirty with my friends and lying about my age online. I don't really think there's any better way for me to get that, so i end up putting myself in situations I feel uncomfortable in, because the trade-off is worth it.

[Sam W]

Hi Caina,

No need to apologize, users get to respond at whatever pace works for them!

I actually want to address your last comment first. Do you think it would be helpful to talk about ways you could explore or engage with your interest in sex that are safe for you? Because while trauma could be playing a role in you wanting or feeling like you need to seek out sexual interactions or conversations, it sounds like this has as much to do, if not more, with you being interested in sex more generally (I do want to mention that the idea that sexual trauma automatically leads survivors to make compulsive or otherwise poor choices around sex is based in a few different misconceptions, which Heather talks about here: https://www.scarleteen.com/blog/heather ... ivor_stere).

Since you're working with a therapist already, do you feel like you could raise the memory of the assault with them and use therapy as a safe space to dig into those memories or feelings more?

[Caina]

I guess i hadn't thought of the possibility that the two things (memories + acting differently) might be separate. I assumed that since both of it is new and its both happening at once it was related.

i have brought up with the memories and the surrounding feelings with my therapist, although more of that discussion has centered around what happened than my reactions to it. i guess i just don't really know how to express myself sexually at all. i feel weird about it and yet i do it anyway and just. yeah.

[Sam W]

Would you feel comfortable bringing up to your therapist your hunch that these memories are tying into doing sexual things that aren't all that safe? Assuming you haven't already raised that with them, there could be some benefit to using therapy as a space to unpack that.

When it comes to expressing yourself sexually, safely, there are two big things that come to mind as ones you could do without the help of a partner: one is masturbation, particularly masturbation that's kind of involved or is very focused on connecting to your fantasies and pleasure. Another is, honestly, finding ways to explore and express sex and sexuality through art. Do either or both of those sound like things you could try? Or things you have tried?

[Caina]

I have only sort of brought it up with my therapist, but I think its something i should probably talk about more in depth. I just feel weird about it.

I have also done both of those things and sometimes they're helpful and sometimes not enough.

[Sam W]

When you think about bringing this up in therapy, does it feel weird because you're not sure how to bring it to the conversation? Because you're worried about how it will be received? Something else?

When you mention those things you've tried being not enough sometimes, what feels like it's missing from them?