I am not sure if I am a victim of SA or not

[Deerthing]

Hello. I have been struggling with trauma recently from a past and a current relationship and was wondering if it is appropriate to consider myself a victim of SA. The first relationship was from when I was in middle school to early highschool and was groomed by someone who was 17-18. The age gap was only 3 years but they would try to pressure me into things I didn't want to do, say and do sexual things in front of people without my consent, and told me I couldn't tell people/my parents about our relationship because they "wouldn't understand". I know it was statutory assault because I was under the age of consent and they were above it, but I always consented so I don't know if I am allowed to consider myself a victim of SA. I also had a misunderstanding with my current partner years ago where I started crying during sex and asked to stop. They stopped, but acted very upset and disappointed until I offered to do other sexual things. We continued even though I was visibly still upset. I later told them I was not comfortable with the situation and they felt terrible, but I also confided in other people about it, in which they told me this was sexual assault. They then got upset at me for telling other people. This situation happened when we were both minors and we are now adults. After many years of growth and setting clearer boundaries with each other we now continue to be in a relationship, but I still feel sometimes I did not entirely heal from that situation, even though I do not consider it SA. I was also wondering if after a situation like that, two people can still have a happy relationship? And if I can consider myself a victim of SA even though every situation I've been in has been coersion or statutory.

[char]

Hi Deerthing, welcome to the boards. I'm so sorry that this situation is what brought you here.

I will have to agree with what other people have said about your current relationship: what happened was sexual assault. Your partner shouldn't have pressured you into having sex with them, especially after you explicitly told them to stop. Just because you consented to one sexual act, it doesn't mean you will consent to another. (You may find this article of ours about consent helpful: Driver's Ed for the Sexual Superhighway: Navigating Consent) It also sounds like your partner made you feel like you had to make up for the sexual act you refused to do by offering them to do something else--even though you were still uncomfortable. Even though it has been a while since this happened, I am unsure that this person is a good fit for you. It is concerning to know that they were upset over you telling others what happened between you both.

What happened in your past relationship also sounded like sexual assault to me. Not only have they pressured you into doing sexual things, but they also isolated you from other people that could tell you this relationship was not a good one. You are allowed to consider yourself a victim or survivor--because it sounds like you were hurt and harmed from these interactions.

How does all of these land for you? Please let us know the best way we can support you as well. I've also let other volunteers know if they could help you here as I don't currently have the capability to fully help you, but I don't want to leave you hanging. ;;

[Deerthing]

Thank you so much for your reply. I feel very conflicted. I don't think I need extra support right now, more just outside opinions. I hear what you're saying that what happened with my current partner is SA, but I'm unsure of what to do. We have been together for a very long time and I also still love them very much, so I don't want to leave. But I've never heard about a relationship working where something like that has happened. They have definitely changed and never do things like that or pressure me anymore. The issue was also years ago, and me and my loved ones have forgiven them. So bringing it up again feels like opening a wound for everyone for no reason.
I saw that you said you cant fully help me right now, which I understand, so this is more for if someone else wants to reply. Thank you for your help. I think I am also going to seek counseling again.

[Andy]

Hi Deerthing,

first off, I’m really sorry that people around you did this to you, it was absolutely not okay and I agree with char that this your experiences fall under the definition of sexual assault (you can see the one we use in our glossary: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/glossar ... l,-assault)

Quickly hopping back to your first post and the first situation you described, I want to add that to me it does not sound like you were giving a consent in it. Consent has to be given clearly, freely, willingly, enthusiastically and it can also always be withdrawn at any moment. And it does sound like most of this did not happen in the situation and the way you have felt about it afterwards is a good indicator of that as well. Does that make sense?

You know, more than on whether there are other relationships working after something like this happening, I would focus on how *you* are feeling about what happened and the relationship moving forward.
So I would like to ask (and feel free to share your answers or your thoughts about them with us):

• Do you feel safe when spending time with your partner?
• Are you excited about seeing them, looking forward to that and enjoying it?
• Do you feel able to bring up tough things, feeling, set boundaries and resolve conflicts?
• Do you trust them? Do you trust them to not intentionally hurt you again, emotionally, sexually or physically?

I also want to touch on what you said about it feeling like opening a wound for everyone, I want to gently nudge you to think about putting your own feelings and needs as the priority here, as you were the one who has been hurt and the one who it concerns the most. And people around you that really care about you will understand it and want what is the best for you too<3

Lastly, are you able to access the counseling you mentioned or do you want any help around that?

[Heather]

Hi there, Deerthing. From one survivor of multiple sexual assaults to another survivor -- and while we are a very diverse group of people, I assure you that those who have had this experience by way of coercion are no less survivors than those of us who have experienced it differently, like by way of physical force -- I just want to extend some extra support.

I also want to add a question to Andy's excellent questions: I hear you that your current partner has changed, but I am wondering if they have ever gotten -- or, ideally, are still getting -- any therapeutic support and guidance with those changes. I'm also curious about what they did to take responsibility for what they did and to make amends to you: can you say some about that? These are the kinds of things that could potentially result in two people with the kind of history you have being able to have a healthy relationship together in time.

Lastly, when you say you feel like you haven't yet healed, I wonder if you have any thoughts on what you think you might need to do more healing? I don't think there is ever such a thing as any of us being somehow completely healed from any kind of abuse, that's pretty much always a lifelong process. But it sounds like you might be saying you don't feel like your healing process to date has left you feeling like you'd like to, so I am curious about your thoughts on what you think you might need to get you closer to where you'd like to be.

[Deerthing]

Thank you both for responding, today has been very difficult with realizing I have this type of trauma. To answer Andy's questions, I do feel safe spending time with my partner, I am always excited to see them and have a good time being with them, and I do trust them to not hurt me again. I do have a hard time bringing up tough feelings and issues with them sometimes though. They are understanding, but recently I tried to bring up issues to them and it became an argument. We both apologized to each other and I think things turned out good, but they still raised their voice and interrupted me several times during the argument. They did apologize for this and we talked about it, but it did make me think about what Heather said about therapy. They have never been to therapy or had mental health services, which I think would benefit them. I think along with me getting therapy I will talk to them about these feelings I'm having about the past and talk to them about also starting therapy. The only issue with that is they do not have insurance, so I'm not sure how they'd be able to do that.

Also about them taking responsibility for their actions. We talked about the situation quite a lot in the past and I believe it stemmed from misunderstanding, not intentional harm. During this time I asked to take a short break from seeing each other in person, which they respected. They feel terrible about the situation and have apologized many times for it. Along with this, they have proven to me they changed since then by respecting my boundaries, asking for consent before doing things, and making sure we have a safe word to prevent misunderstandings in the future.

My worry with my healing process is that I am not entirely sure what a healing process is supposed to look like. My whole life I have let the past continue to effect me, and what I'm not happy with is my lack of ability to let things go. The two times I've tried therapy my therapists told me I had to stop hanging on to the past, but I feel like nobody tells you how you're supposed to do that. I'm hoping that by trying counseling again I can work with a professional on a plan to help me heal, even though I am coming to terms with the fact healing is a lifelong process.

Lastly, Andy asked if I needed help getting counseling. I have reached out to a couple places but am having a hard time finding somewhere that accepts my insurance/is affordable. I was wondering what kind of help is being offered or if you know of any good resources for finding therapists?