Rape? after a sexual assault

[Jess@888]

I know situationally this is considered rape, but I froze again. Some people may not view it as a special assault or rape. Although I went through this in the past, I still froze and I went through with it. The guy took off my pants after I conveyed I wanted nothing sexual or advance to it. He disregarded my preferences and he avoided looking at me. I was hyper-vigilant about everything he was doing. He gave me oral and we had sex. It was bad sex on my end, but it was not fully consenting. I urged them to avoid anything sexual also for my mental health. I used shame and guilt to understand myself and why I froze again. I swear, it was at the moment.

I am getting therapy at the moment. I am going to address all the traumas I worked through as my therapist wants to see how much I worked and progress through it.

[Jess@888]

I know situationally this is considered rape, but I froze again. Some people may not view it as a sexual assault or rape. Although I went through this in the past, I still froze and I went through with it. The guy took off my pants after I conveyed I wanted nothing sexual or advance to it. He disregarded my preferences and he avoided eye contact. I was hyper-vigilant about everything he was doing in terms of being observant. I apologize if that sounded weird. He gave me oral and we had sex. It was bad sex on my end, but it was not fully consenting. I urged him to avoid anything sexual also for my mental health. I used shame and guilt to understand myself and why I froze again. I swear, it was at the moment. Since then, I used it to fuel my healing.

I am getting therapy at the moment. I am going to address all the traumas I worked through as my therapist wants to see how much I worked and progress through it.

[Sam W]

Hi Jess99,

I'm so sorry that this guy chose to ignore your boundaries and continue even when it was clear you weren't into it (and, it sounds like, avoid looking at you so he could feign ignorance about how you actually felt). One of the most frustrating things about healing from sexual assault is that even when you know you tend to react by freezing and are working on how to manage that response, you can still freeze up if someone crosses your boundaries. That doesn't mean you did anything wrong; just that the freeze response can be very hard to overcome.

I know you've been doing a ton of work in terms of unpacking and healing from the trauma of past assaults. How can we best support you around this new situation?

[Jess@888]

My therapist wants me to write a paper about all the traumas I already have addressed. As much as I want to say I did this, I haven't it done fully.
I thought this guy was a friend for the longest time. I recognized this was wrong of me. Past messages and the way he conveyed himself for the decisions I made for myself that I believe were right.

When it came to this, I remember the messages and the way I spoke about avoiding anything sexual. I had flashbacks to when I was with Dalton. This guy understood the trauma I was working through, yet he was persistent about wanting sex. He took my pants down after a few minutes passed of me saying no to anything sexual. I loathed myself for a while for freezing, but it was for the best. I hope I didn't allow this to impair my healing journey. I did want to forget about this after I understood what took place. I recognize this wasn't consensual. The sex was awful with the way I was at the time and want to refrain from it. He thinks it was right and good. I don't understand that when I told him I wasn't ready for anything sexual. This is what I am currently working through.

[Sam W]

That kind of therapy homework is a pretty big ask, emotionally, so I totally understand why it's something you haven't done yet. If nothing else, I imagine you'd want to be in a headspace where you felt ready to mentally flip through and list out traumatic incidents.

I'm so sorry that this guy was someone you trusted, and someone who knew you are actively working through trauma related to past sexual assaults. You certainly didn't do anything wrong in trusting that a friend, especially a friend who knew your past, would listen to and honor your boundaries. Do you feel like this is something you want to try to address with him? Or does it feel like the emotionally safest choice just to treat this as the relationship ender it is and not have any more interactions with him?

[Jess@888]

I talked to him for a bit, but I ended all contact. I told him to not contact me again as that would be best in terms of preceding forward.

[Sam W]

Going off of what you've told us, it sounds like that's a really good step in terms of protecting your boundaries and well being. How are you feeling about cutting him off?

[Jess@888]

Since I cut him off, I recognize everything surrounding the way he spoke and treated me. It was the best I did for myself. It helped me to focus on my mental health and prioritize myself in terms of knowing myself. I lost certain aspects of myself. This helped to regain some aspects of me. This season has been tough. It has been helping me to grow into the person I aspired to be.

[Sam W]

I'm so glad you're finding that cutting him off is helping you out in those ways. I know you've done so much work to heal, and I'm so glad that you're continuing with that process, even through the tough patches.